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“Julian…”
He laughed softly. “I know. Too much, too fast, right?”
“It’s everything I ever wanted to hear,” I admitted. “I wanted this so bad that I deluded myself into thinking you wanted it, too.”
“I do! I do want this. I want you.”
“But I wasn’t honest with you either.”
He furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”
I took a deep breath. I could do this. I could get all of this out. I was making this decision, and it was the right one. No matter what his reaction.
“I have an anxiety disorder,” I told him. “It’s relatively severe, and I’ve been medicated daily since high school. I also have severe social anxiety, and I get debilitating panic attacks. So, I have emergency Xanax as well as a sleeping pill to help with the anxiety-induced insomnia.”
Julian didn’t even blink. He met my gaze evenly. “Okay.”
“Okay? That’s it?”
“Well, I mean, I thought you were just shy. I’ve always thought you were shy, especially in crowds.”
“I am,” I said with a shrug. “I am shy, but a lot of it is a medical issue that I’ve been dealing with my entire life. I’ve been in therapy for almost as long. It’s why I’m pretty good at breaking down other people’s problems and finding a solution. Not that I’m great at that with my own problems.”
“This all makes perfect sense.”
I flinched. “It does?”
“Yes, I think it explains a lot of your behavior. I thought you just…didn’t want to be with me. That you weren’t as into me as I was into you. But in reality, you were dealing with this mental illness all on your own.”
“I…I was,” I said. He’d articulated it so clearly.
Julian sat for a minute in contemplation before asking softly, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I hung my head. The question I’d been dreading.
“Not that you were obligated to,” he said quickly. “It’s your mental health. I want you to feel the best about what you’re going through. I just…I don’t know why or even how you were able to keep it from me.”
“Well,” I began, swallowing hard, “I didn’t know how you’d react.”
“React?” He honestly looked confused.
I took a deep breath and let it out carefully. “My last real boyfriend found out about it. This was a couple years ago. And he…he called me crazy.”
Julian winced. “Fuck.”
“Yeah. He said I was crazy, and that was why he didn’t want to be with me. It ended poorly. Not to mention, my mom has always kind of ingrained in me that I should keep this to myself. But I’m tired of hiding this big part of myself.”
“Jen,” Julian said, cautiously taking my hand, “I would never judge you for this. Anxiety is a real illness. And I’m so sorry that anyone made you feel like you were less for having it.”
Tears rushed to my eyes. The words I’d always wanted to hear and feared I never would.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
He leaned forward, cupping my jaw in his hands, and kissed me tenderly. “You’re a gem, a revelation. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. This changes absolutely nothing with me. It only makes me see the perfectly wonderful, vibrant woman that I’m in love with more clearly.”
I gasped against his mouth, my eyes shooting open. “Love?”
“Yes. Jennifer, I love you.”
My throat closed up, and I thought I was really going to start crying now. “Julian, oh my God,” I whispered. I rested my forehead against his. “I love you, too.”
“God, it’s good to hear that.”
I laughed through my tears. “It really is.”
“And again, I’m sorry. I won’t repeat the mistakes I did to upset you. I want to work to be the man who deserves you.”
“You already are.” I kissed him again. “You already are.”
He pulled me into his arms and kissed me long and deep. “God, I thought I’d lost you.”
“I know. I thought so, too. But I never wanted this to happen.”
“Me neither.” He kissed me again before pulling me to my feet and lacing our fingers together. “You’re mine.”
“All yours.”
“That’s what I like to hear.”
So, I kissed him again, glad that I’d found the power of my own truth. The power of being exactly who I was and having a man who loved me for that person and nothing else.
Julian Wright saw the pieces of me, jagged edges and all, and he loved me anyway. Just as I loved him.
Epilogue
Six Months Later
“That’s a wrap!” Campbell called to everyone backstage.
The Wright Vineyard workers cheered at the end of the longest night since harvest. Julian shook hands with the band, rubbing elbows with the record representatives who had come to see the kickoff to Cosmere’s world tour. The fact that it was in the middle of nowhere in Lubbock, Texas hadn’t been their first choice, but it sure as hell helped the vineyard.
