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“So ye see, my undying need tae protect her and keep my mate safe forced me tae stay away. I’d rather live in misery with her alive than be the cause of her death.”
I looked down at the table, unsure what to say to all of this. I’d told him my mother died giving birth to me, that I’d grown up in foster care. When he found out how alone I’d been, how I didn’t have family, my human and Lycan sides unaware of me, he’d been devastated… and enraged. I’d been taken aback by that anger but surprised he reined it in so quickly. Or maybe it had been because Caelan had growled low, a warning for him to keep himself in check.
But then that anger faded and I’d seen the pain on his face. I’d felt his… hope where I was concerned.
And as easily as it could’ve been to allow the pain of all I’d lost out on to consume me, I didn't let it. I couldn't. I never had before, and I wouldn’t start now.
“I’m… so sorry.” His voice was low, thick with pain and regret.
I shook my head. “I’m not. My life might not have been ideal, but I don’t regret all I learned, how I had to start from a young age to rely on myself. Life is hard, and I know how to survive because of my experiences.”
My life was how it was, and I didn’t regret any of it, but of course a part of me wished I could’ve had a different upbringing with loving parents. And on the heels of that thought, I also couldn’t fault my mother for running and being afraid. I couldn't blame my father for staying away. Both had done what they thought was best.
“I would have ended my life if I didn’t have the hope that she’d want me again one day.” God, the pain in his voice was tangible. “I didn’t leave this world because, what if she needed my protection. What if she came tae me and was no longer afraid.”
He didn’t phrase any of it like a question, and emotion clogged my throat too much to respond.
“And gods,” he whispered. “I am so verra thankful I didn’t give intae the darkness, because I have a daughter.” His voice was choked up, and I wanted to reach out and take his hand in mine. I wanted to hold him close and comfort him like I wished someone had done to me in the past.
But he leaned back once more and clasped his hands together in his lap. This heavy, thick silence descended, and I felt so much tension I suffocated in it, barely able to catch my breath.
“If I’d known about ye, I would no’ have hesitated in coming. I would have protected ye, cared for ye… loved ye, Daughter.”
I blinked rapidly as tears stung my eyes.
He lifted his hand and rubbed slow circles over his heart. “The pain of losing a mate is unimaginable, but knowing I left ye out there in the world… alone…” He cleared his throat again. “Nay, that I canna live with.” He leaned forward, bracing his forearms on the table, his expression clearing with something profound. “I want tae believe that yer mother felt something for me, even if she ran, even if she told me she hated me and I was a monster in her eyes. I want tae believe this, because she gave ye a very Gaelic name, Darragh.” There was a shadow of a smile that played across his lips.
I looked at Caelan then, not sure what to say or do. When I finally glanced back at my father, I knew the only thing that could be done. “I’d like to know who you are, Conor.” His shoulders pulled back, and his spine straightened. I swore he held his breath. “I’d like to know… my father.” My hands were tightly clasped together in my lap. The very real fear of rejection surrounded me, but the look on his face, the way he smiled, how his eyes misted told me I was finally going to get all the things I’d been looking for in life.
“Ye’d like tae get tae know me?” He lifted his hand to rub it over the back of his neck, looking away, as if he couldn’t hold my gaze, as if it was too emotional.
“Yes.” I waited until he looked up at me again. “Yes, I would very much like to get to know you.” I gave him a smile, one that I was surprised to feel was completely genuine. I was excited, anticipating all the things I could learn from him. “Maybe you can tell me about my mother? You can tell me about her life, what she was like?” As soon as the words left me, I worried about how that would make him feel. Surely it would be painful for him to talk about.
