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She cocks her head to the side, almost like she fucking forgot why I’m even here, and then she sits up straight and blurts out, “Right! Right! Sophie!”
Just hearing her name, even from my sister’s mouth, brings everything right back to the pain. Back to the regret. Back to the reality that I might’ve lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
“Fuck, Win, what am I going to do?”
She reaches out both of her hands and clasps them over mine. “We’re going to fix this. Together. That’s what we’re going to do.”
“But is it even fixable?” I question. “I mean, Win, I hurt her so bad. I was a total bastard.”
“That you were, but it’s because of all that Winslow baggage you’ve been carrying around.”
I want to tell her that’s bullshit, but even I know that’s a lie. All the crap I’ve seen my mom and Rem and even Winnie go through over the years when it comes to love and relationships has done nothing but make me put up some kind of wall or some shit. Out of self-protection more than anything else, I think.
“Just tell me this, Jude. How far are you willing to go for her?”
The Jude of the past, before Sophie, would’ve had a real prick answer to that question.
But the Jude of now? Well, his answer is easy.
“Anything and everything. Nothing is off-limits.”
Winnie’s eyes and mouth go wide. “For real?”
I nod.
Then her mouth quirks up into a grin, and she leans over to wrap her arms around my shoulders tightly. “I love you, Jude. And I promise you, everything is going to work out.”
God, I hope so. Because not even a week has passed, and life without Sophie is proving to be the most-painful, un-fun, miserable time of my existence.
Wednesday, April 11th
Sophie
My phone chimes loudly from my purse, and I snag it out quickly to put it on silent. But I don’t miss the name that glares back at me from the screen—Jude. He’s texted me at least twenty times since Sunday and called me another ten times on top of that, but I’ve made a point not to read any of his messages or, of course, answer his calls.
And I don’t really know why. Because the pain is still too raw? Or because I’m scared that the lure of simply being with him because I’m in love with him is still so strong that it could make me give in to something that will only end with more pain?
My heart tells me it’s probably a lot of both.
But the temptation to see what he has to say is so real that I even find my finger hovering above the screen, just one tap away from giving in to the urge.
“Sophie?” Dr. Winters’s voice yanks me back to the present, and I quickly shove my phone back into my purse, mortified of my appointment faux pas.
Especially because this appointment is different from all the rest. More important probably, too.
“So sorry,” I apologize and look beside me to where Belle and Katelynn sit. “My phone is on silent now. Promise.”
“Let me guess…Jude? Again?” Belle asks, and I just offer a small nod.
Belle knows most of the sordid details of my Jude situation, but my eldest sister is mostly clueless. She knows I was seeing someone and it ended badly, but that’s about it.
When Katelynn met Belle and me for brunch last Thursday, the day I was at the peak of my mental breakdown after I kicked Jude out of my apartment, I’d felt so numb from telling Belle everything that I couldn’t do anything that day but keep myself distracted and avoid rehashing everything both in my head and out loud again.
And for the past week, I’ve continued to give avoidance my best college try. Although, the persistent attempts by Jude through texts and calls haven’t been helping.
I just don’t understand why he’s trying to reach out to me. Because he feels bad? Because he wants to try to go back to when we were just two people having wild and crazy fun?
Anyone’s guess is as good as mine. And truthfully, knowing Jude’s past, I probably don’t want to know the answer. A player tiger can never change his stripes and all that jazz.
Both Dr. Winters and Katelynn look at me curiously, but my therapist is the first one to ask me outright.
“What’s going on with you and Jude?”
“Nothing,” I say, and I hate that those words are my reality. “I ended things with him. Well, it was kind of a mutual decision, I guess. A chaotic, drama-filled mutual decision.”
“What happened?” Katelynn asks, and I stare down at my hands on a deep inhale of breath as I try to push the tightness out of my chest.
“I guess you could say our relationship had started out as a fun, no-strings-attached kind of thing, but over time, I grew feelings for him. I even felt like he was feeling things for me, too. But when I confronted him about it, he said no.”
