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What can we do? Nathaniel asked, softly.
He smiled, a little weak, a little watered down, buTHE managed it. I thought it was a good sign. I hoped it was. You really want to know?
Name it, I said.
He smiled again, but his eyes flinched, as if Id hit him instead of told him Id do anything he wanted if it would take the pain away.
Perdy isnt here to tell me dont, or to tell you dont. Im a free man again. He tried for a laugh, but it was a sound more like a sob.
I get it, Nathaniel said.
I frowned at him. Then explain it to me, because I dont.
He wants to have sex with you again.
What? I said.
Perdy cant tell him, or you, no anymore. You can be lovers again.
You mean now, like in right now?
Nathaniel gave a half-shrug. Jason moved his head off the other mans shoulder. He dropped his hand away from my leg.
Its okay, Anita, Ive fucked this up. I know this isnt the way to approach you. But my head is so ugly tonight; I just cant seem to think clearly.
He pushed to his feet and started for the doorway.
I opened my mouth to say dont go, and yes. I closed it without saying any of it out loud, and looked at Nathaniel. I frowned at him. He was more than just my sweetie. The ardeur made me a sort of living vampire who fed off sex, but with the downsides came some interesting upsides. Nathaniel was my animal to call, which meanTHE was like my familiar. We shared emotions, power, and sometimes thoughts. Youre projecting inside my head, arent you?
You can shut me out if you want, he said.
Jason hesitated just short of the doorway. He frowned at us both. Im missing something.
I looked into the face of a man that I loved. Is this really what you want?
Hes my friend.
You know, most guys dont want their girlfriends to sleep with their friends.
If youd never slept with Jason, that would be different, but you have. Why is it wrong to sleep with him tonight?
I opened my mouth to say something reasonable, then closed it, because for the life of me, I couldnt come up with a clearheaded answer. Why was it wrong to sleep with Jason tonight? Because I hadnt planned on it? Because it felt slutty? Were any of those reasons good reasons?
Jason stopped in the doorway, caught between the light of the kitchen and the darkness of the living room beyond. Ive made you feel sorry for me. Im not sure I want that to be your motivation for taking me to bed.
Once upon a time, you wouldnt have cared why you got to sleep with me.
I was a slut, I know.
I didnt mean that, Jason.
Stay here tonight, Nathaniel said.
He half-turned so he could see us, but his face was still mostly in shadow. Why? Why do you want me to stay?
I shrugged at Nathaniel, with a this-was-your-idea expression.
Because youre our friend. Because we care about you.
And you, Anita, whats your motivation?
I looked up at him. There was something defiant about the set of his shoulders, as if he expected me to hurt him. I tried very hard not to do that. It just seems wrong for you to walk out the door right now. Stay, if the sex is an issue, then just stay for a big puppy pile. We can actually just sleep.
He shook his head. You never want to make me just sleep, Anita.
That made me uncomfortable. I dont know what to say to that, Jason.
Say you want me.
I started to say something, but Nathaniel touched my hand. He needs the truth, Anita.
And what is the truth? I asked, taking my hand away from his.
Tell him how you feel, really feel about him.
I took a deep breath and thought about the truth; what was the truth? You are one of the best friends I have, Jason, and you shouldnt be alone tonight.
Jean-Claude would let me sleep with him.
But you wouldnt let him hold you while you feel miserable.
How do you know I wouldnt?
Call it a hunch.
He stood frozen in the doorway as if he couldnt decide, or as if part of him wanted to and part of him didnt. Id made him come to me to hold his hand. Now I went to him.
I wrapped my arms around him. He stayed stiff and unyielding. I pressed my head to his shoulder. Stay with us tonight, Jason, please.
He whispered against my hair, Why?
Because you want to.
Not good enough, he whispered.
Because I can feel how much it would hurt Nathaniel to see you leave tonight, and know that you didnt have anyone to hold you while you slept.
Its not sleep I want, Anita. Im afraid to sleep. Im afraid Ill dream. Last night wasbad.
I lifted my face up to look at him. You found all this out last night?
He nodded.
Bad dreams? I made it a question.
The worst; something about the news about my dad just raked a lot of shit up.
Nathaniels need pushed at me, almost staggering in his desire to have Jason stay. I tried to shield against him, but realized that one of the reasons I couldnt shield was that I agreed with him. A large part of me felt Jason should stay. Nathaniel was right; Jason was already on my list of lovers. Why was it wrong for me to admit that it was fun to sleep with Jason? Why was it always wrong for me to admit that I simply wanted to be with someone? Not because I had no choice, but because for once, I did?
He kissed my forehead. Ill go home.
I hugged him tighter, kept him in the doorway. It would be lovely if you stayed.
He looked startled. You sound like you mean that.
I nodded. I do.
He smiled, and it was a shadow of his usual one. Somewhere in there did you actually say please?
I smiled at him. I think I did.
Ive never heard you ask a man to please stay with you.
I dont usually have to.
Stay with us tonight, Nathaniel said.
I nodded. Stay.
The bed will be a little crowded when Micah gets home.
Hes out of town, I said.
A new wereleopard wanted to join our pard. Hes off interviewing, Nathaniel said.
Jason nodded. I like Micah, you know that.
But hes not your best friend like Nathaniel is, and hes not a girl, I said.
Jason nodded again. Tonight, I dont really want an audience.
Damian is even sleeping over with his latest vampire lover, Nathaniel said. We have the house to ourselves.
Some tension I hadnt been aware of slid away from Jason. I love everybody, but sometimes the group thing gets a little old. It was one of the things I liked about Perdy, at first.
You dont want a group orgy every night, but you dont want to be monogamous either, Nathaniel said.
Jason nodded. I am so fucked.
Not yet, I said, hugging him, but we can fix that.
He grinned at me, and it reached his eyes. Bedroom, bathroom, living room, or kitchen?
The kitchen floor is hard and the tile is cold. Why not just go to the nice soft bed? I asked.
Jason looked at Nathaniel.
Nathaniel answered the question. Jason has made love in a bed and only a bed since he started being with Perdy.
I frowned, then looked at Jason, still in a loose hug with me. I understand no shower or bath sex. Mermaids have trouble retaining human form in water, but nothing but the bed?
He shook his head.
Standard positions, too? I made it a question.
He nodded.
My eyes widened. Oh, Jason, Im sorry, I didnt know. I hugged him tighter.
He moved back so he could see my face. With all the bad news Ive had today, and you look that stricken that my girlfriend would only do standard bed sex?
I tried to put into words what I was thinking, not always my best thing. You love sex. Youre good at it.
Why, gee, thanks. He grinned.
I gave him a look, but kept talking. I was going to finish this thought, damn it. Sex is one of the most personal things we do as people. To have someone who says she loves you limit how you express yourself in the bedroom is like a small death. It kills the soul.
The grin left his face, then his eyes. He stared at me, and there Jason was, that part of him thaTHE hid from most people. Heck, thaTHE hid most of the time. He let me see that there was a good mind and a deep thinker inside those usually smiling blue eyes. It made him look sad, and older, but I valued that look. I valued thaTHE let me see him all the way down.
How did you get to be so smart? he said, softly.
I have smart friends who give me good advice sometimes. I smiled. Sometimes I even take it.
He smiled back and ran his hands down my back. So, youd really let me pick where we make love?
I nodded.
Just because I havent had a choice in a while.
Yes.
What if I want something too freaky?
Then Ill say no, and you can back it down a little.
His eyes had that solemn look again. He searched my face. You mean it.
I put my hands on either side of his face and nodded. I try not to say things I dont mean, Jason. I put a soft kiss at the end of the sentence.
He moved his hand lower on my back to press us closer together. Close enough that I could feel that his body was already happier than when we hugged last.
He closed his eyes and took a breath. He looked at Nathaniel. Do you have a preference?
Youre the guest.
Jason lifted me off the floor with a hug. We were both short enough that I was in no danger of hitting the doorjamb. I love you guys; you make me feel less weird about myself.
Why, because were weirder? I asked.
No, he said, laughing up at me, because your relationship works. It just flat works for you guys. You make me feel that out there somewhere is someone weird enough to make me happy.
Id rather not do the bathroom, Nathaniel said, it takes forever to dry my hair.
Jason let me down, so I was standing on the floor again. Im leaning toward the living room.
There are chairs, and the couch has a back and arms, Nathaniel said.
How sturdy is the coffee table?
Not that sturdy, Nathaniel said.
Id caught on. No, not sturdy enough to have sex on.
Start in the living room, move to the bedroom? Jason said, making it a question.
I looked at Nathaniel. He nodded, and gave a little shrug.
Deal, I said.
