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That took her by surprise, since it seemed so unconnected to anything else they had been discussing. “Hawaii?”
“Yeah. I think that’s the last time we spent more than a full day together. Tyler was born less than a year later, and we both got caught up in him and in our jobs. Mom saw Tyler as a way to solve her empty-nest syndrome, so she started spending more and more time here. And I spent too many weekends when I wasn’t working fishing with—with Dad, instead of being with you and Tyler.”
He still couldn’t mention Carl without hesitating, she thought with a pang of sympathy.
He continued quickly, as if hoping she hadn’t noticed. “Anyway, for some reason I started thinking about our honeymoon today. We had a lot of fun that week, didn’t we?”
It had been nonstop fun from beginning to end. They had laughed and played like two irresponsible kids, and Laurel had been so naively certain their marriage would continue just that way. Fun. Passionate. Carefree.
Watching him interact with his parents afterward had altered her rather fanciful illusion that it was just the two of them against the world. Having a helpless infant placed in her arms only a few months later had forever changed her carefree view of life and marriage. Sitting alone in her house with a crying baby in her arms and a case of postpartum depression draining all of her energy and enthusiasm, waiting for her husband to make an occasional appearance from work, had taken away the rest of her expectations for a fairy-tale life.
But she still remembered every minute of that honeymoon. “Yes. It was fun.”
“Remember the big luau, when those hula dancers pulled you onto the stage and had you dance with them?”
Echoes of music and laughter filled her mind as she nodded. “Of course.”
“I remember watching you up there. You were so beautiful. You looked as though you were having such a good time. You moved as gracefully as any of the native dancers, though you didn’t know the steps. I remember thinking that I was the luckiest guy in the world, and that every man at that luau must be envying me.”
A single tear escaped to slide down her right cheek. She reached up to wipe it away. She wasn’t the only one who had found marriage to be different than she had expected, she reminded herself. Motherhood had changed her drastically from the woman Jackson had proposed to.
She had worked so hard before to be the life of the party, someone others gravitated to for fun and laughter. She had spent so much of her childhood alone that she’d deliberately surrounded herself with people after her mother died.
Everything had changed for her the day she learned she was pregnant. She had been stunned—and then determined not to fail at the most important role of her life. Overwhelmed by fear and responsibility and an almost crippling lack of confidence in her mothering abilities, she had put all of her energy into taking care of Tyler. What little she’d had left had been directed into the job that had been her one refuge from fear and insecurity. That hadn’t left much of anything for Jackson.
“I had such a good time at that luau,” she murmured. “Everything seemed so perfect. The two of us on an island in paradise. Together all day every day, with no more pressing responsibilities than to find something to eat occasionally.”
“Everything changed when we came home to find ourselves expecting a baby, didn’t it? I guess neither of us was really prepared for that.”
“It scared me to my toenails,” she admitted, possibly for the first time aloud. “I knew so little about being a mother. I felt confident about finding parents for other babies, but I had absolutely no confidence in my own abilities. I wasn’t even sure then that I would approve myself as an adoptive parent.”
“Funny,” he said, though there was no humor in his expression, “I was just as insecure about my role as a father. You were afraid that having no role model would be a problem for you, but my dilemma was somewhat the opposite. I didn’t think I could ever be the same kind of dad I had. I tried so hard to be just like him,” he added in a rough murmur.
Laurel swallowed, then suggested tentatively, “And maybe you tried a little too hard to encourage me to be just like your mother? Your own upbringing was so perfect, in your opinion, that you tried to duplicate it almost exactly for Tyler.”
“I didn’t—” he began with a hint of irritation. And then he stopped himself, thought a moment, then sighed deeply. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
Since they were being so honest, for a change, Laurel risked one more confession. “I knew I could never be like Donna. And I knew that trying to make myself into her would lead to disaster. I decided I had to be myself—and that I would have to let you go if you came to the conclusion that I wasn’t what you wanted. I thought that was exactly what you had decided when you started spending more and more time away from me.”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you,” he murmured. “You are exactly what I want. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking during the past couple of days, about many things. I’ve got to admit that it hurts to feel estranged from my parents, but I can deal with that. Eventually. But the past couple of years I’ve felt that I was losing you—and that’s a loss I don’t want to have to face.
“When I realized how close we came to losing our son, I fully understood that you and Tyler are my whole world. Maybe I haven’t told you enough. Hell, I know I haven’t. I’ve tried to show you, and I guess I wasn’t too good at that, either. But it’s true. You’re the one I want—the one I’ve always wanted.”
He cleared his throat, then continued when she sat silently trying to digest his words. “You’re an amazing mother, Laurel. Tyler is a happy, well-adjusted kid, and you’ve made him that way. You’ve pursued your own life, yes, but in your case, that seems to make you an even better mother. I watched your co-workers and your clients this past week, and I saw how much they respect you and how grateful they are for the work you do. I realized that I’ve been incredibly selfish trying to keep you from doing that work. I’m the one who got so caught up in trying to be the great provider that I neglected the very family I was trying to provide for.”
The self-recrimination in his voice took her aback. For some reason, she hadn’t truly comprehended that Jackson had been as afraid of parenthood as she had been. That he’d felt the crushing weight of responsibility, just as she had, and that he had dealt with it the only way he had known how—by working even harder.
They really should have talked about these feelings sooner, she thought regretfully. The last few years could have been much different if they had been more open with their feelings from the start.
She said something along those lines to Jackson, adding, “I suppose I was afraid to let you know how scared I was. I thought you would think less of me if you knew what a mess I was inside.”
His voice was gruff when he replied, “I guess I felt the same way. I’d been taught that men don’t let their fear show. That their actions should speak louder than their words. Maybe that works for my pa
rents, but it isn’t right for us. We have to learn to talk, Laurel. I need to know when you’re afraid or unhappy or worried, and I have to learn to tell you how I feel. Both of us need to stop being so damned strong and independent and learn to be half of a true partnership.”
“That’s all I’ve ever wanted,” she whispered, wiping her eyes again. She had never let Jackson see her cry. Maybe that, too, had been her way of holding him at an emotional distance.
His eyes were dark with emotion when he leaned toward her and spoke with a sincerity she could not have mistaken. “I have never doubted that I loved you. Maybe there were times when I wondered if we married too quickly—”
