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I have to bite down on my lip to keep from apologizing again. “How old were you?”
“Twenty-five. And angry.”
“So you went to the bar,” I say to remind him of the start of his story.
He sucks in a breath and nods. A moment later he has to turn the wheel again, but he makes do with just his one hand.
We’re driving slower now and on a back road I’m not familiar with.
“I was angry at the world, but Cade got the most of it.”
“Well … if it’s any consolation, Cade is an ass.”
He chuckles. “Why do you say that?”
I shrug, shyness overcoming me. “Because I want to make you feel better.”
This time he lets out a bark of a laugh and I love it. I love seeing this side of him. “You’re sweet, Ella.” His thumb taps, taps, taps as he pulls in the side entrance of a long lot with a row of brick buildings. At the very end is a larger building with parking all around it. I imagine that’s the restaurant we’re having dinner at.
“I wanted to pick a fight I guess, and she was there at the end of the bar.”
“Don’t tell me you fought a woman,” I say, dropping my voice to be comical.
He doesn’t laugh. Instead he gives me a sad smile. “No, we didn’t fight.” His voice is hoarser but he keeps going. “She made me laugh. I hadn’t laughed in a long time.”
He stops then. Not speaking as we pull into a parking spot. The car sways slightly and he keeps it running as we sit there.
It hits me then, that he loved her. I thought he did when we were in the courtroom. He looked like a man who’d lost his love. Seeing him now, there’s no question. He loved her.
“How long were you together?”
“About a year and a half.” He doesn’t hesitate. That little fact tells me more than anything.
“You loved her?”
He shakes his head once, but he doesn’t speak. He doesn’t say it out loud. “We were lovers.”
My heart breaks in this small way watching him deny it. Suddenly I feel like a mistress, like an imposter posing on his arm. And I don’t want it. Glancing at the restaurant and then back to the man denying the obvious, I no longer have much of an appetite.
“Did you come here with her?” I don’t want to be here if that’s the case.
“No. No, this place is new. But my friend suggested it.” He doesn’t pick up on what’s come over me, thankfully. I don’t understand it fully myself and before I can think much of it, Zander kisses my knuckles.
“Thank you,” he says between kisses and then stares deep into my eyes. “For coming with me today.”
I melt for him, for the side of him he doesn’t want to accept. The side that loves and breaks. The vulnerable bits that turn us crazy and allow us to fall into a well of emotion we can’t control. I ache for him. Because I feel it. No one can deny the fact that I feel every bit of it. And then there are people like him, men who pretend they don’t when it’s so very obvious that they do.
I wonder if he would ever admit that he loved me. If he ever did fall for me. Would he say it? Would he tell me, or would I just have to know it and be complete with that?
“You’re certain you want this?” he asks as he finally shuts off the car. “Knowing I’m a little fucked up too?”
“Yes.”
“Show me,” he commands and leans across the console of the car, taking my chin in his hand and kissing me deeply. So passionately it shocks me at first, my lips parted, granting him access and my world tilted. All because of him. Because of what he does to me.
Not a damn bit of it I can control.
Zander
The days pass easily. It’s been weeks now of spoiling Ella and enjoying her in bed … as well as discovering her boundaries.
One thing I love is taking her out, and watching her light up a room when she doesn’t even realize it.
Ella looks gorgeous in soft candlelight. She looks gorgeous in every light really, but the candlelight at the Italian restaurant does something special to her features. It catches in her silky hair and makes her dark, sultry eyes shine.
And it makes me want to do filthy things to her.
I feel lighter after the hearing, and somehow heavier. Lighter because this part of my history with Quincy is closed. There are no more hearings, other than the formal sentencing. Heavier because I want Ella so much. My feelings seem much more intense than they should. Which makes me question them. More specifically if I’m using her emotionally because of what I went through with Quincy.
