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There’s a heat, a longing, a stirring of anxiousness that’s just getting worse and worse.
I want another drink and then another.
He can’t even agree that we’re an item? I shouldn’t have come in here without dealing with it first, but here we are.
He’s stayed back and behind me, not by my side. He’s there, though, I remind myself. He’s here, we’re just … I don’t know what we are.
With two drinks in, I’m already feeling it, and every passing second he’s not by my side, I feel more and more betrayed.
“You good, girl?” Kelly asks, clinging to my side before kissing my cheek.
“Just pissed,” I whisper and it takes a second for her to register it, more reading my lips than hearing it over how loud everything else is.
With her brow knitted she asks why, and I nod toward Zander.
All I asked him was what if we were to be called “an item” and he couldn’t say that we were. It hurts. I tried to pretend like it didn’t, but alcohol has a way of making lies go quiet. I haven’t forgotten what Kam said. I haven’t forgotten what Damon said.
“Fuck him,” Kelly murmurs and then peers across the patio to a hoard of men. Some of them I know, one of them I know-know, and others I don’t.
“I don’t want them. I want him,” I tell her and she nods.
“Maybe a little attention from them and Zander will shape up?” she suggests and I shake my head. “I’m not … no. I don’t know.” My head is fuzzy.
Minutes pass and more people gather. Only one person mentions James. With everyone talking over each other, it barely registers. I only know it was spoken to me because the group around me goes quiet. I stare back at a tall man, his hair cropped back and his tie loosened around his neck.
“Just, I’m just … I wanted to give my condolences is all.”
My heart does that pitter-patter thing. Before I can even answer, Zander’s on one side of me, telling me someone named Arthur is looking for me and Kelly’s on the other side, a flute of champagne that was in her hand, being pushed into mine.
“Drink up, baby.”
It feels like stumbling, as I turn my back on the group, Zander’s arm around my waist as he leads me away.
“You all right?” he questions and I throw the flute back, letting the bubbles worm their way down my throat.
My eyes prick and suddenly everything isn’t so great and wonderful.
“It fucking hurt,” I say to him and breathe out, but not daring to look him in the eye. If I do, I think I’ll lose it. The one night of all these nights where I need to simply be and be seen, and this has come over me.
“I know,” he says and then I realize he’s talking about James. Fuck, it’s a knife to the chest. I struggle to respond at all. In a sea of people, I glance around them, feeling the cool breeze against my hot face, and I feel alone. With the exception of this man.
“Do you love me?” I ask him, barely breathing.
His striking eyes hold me for a moment, and I think he’ll admit it. He has to feel it, doesn’t he? He speaks his words carefully. “Ella, you’re drunk.”
I’ve felt my heart break before. I’ve felt it shatter. It belonged to someone else back then. Someone who would never dare to hurt it. “Don’t do this. Not here.”
“Right,” I answer him in a single breath, attempting to compose myself. Swallowing thickly, I push it all down. All I can hear are my heels clicking on the ground as slow as my heart beats.
With my heart beating faster, I walk with him and accept the bottle of water. “No more drinks,” he orders. “Only water.”
Fiddling with the cap, I nod in agreement.
Why does it hurt as much as it does? It feels like the rain has poured down around me.
All because he couldn’t say we’re an item?
No. No it’s not that. It takes me minutes to register that I asked him if he loves me.
He knows. He must know, that I love him. Fuck, I am drunk. I’m far more than tipsy.
The conversation plays on repeat. Then the one with Kam insinuating we aren’t on the same page. Then the one with Damon, and how my feelings may be displaced.
“We’re going to steal her, if that’s all right.” Kelly’s voice rings clear over my head in the dark corner behind the bar that Zander’s cornered me into.
“I think it may be time for us to head out.”
“You just got here.” Kelly’s objection reflects both her shock and disappointment.
“I’m not leaving. I’m fine.” My voice is clear and my decision firm as I look Zander in the eye.
“So … about stealing her away? I think she should see some people. Some influential people Kam mentioned?” she tells him. Asking him permission and not me.
