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He lets his words trail off as a smirk begins to play on his lips.
“I’m not—”
“You’re not beautiful?” he muses, making a show of raking his eyes over me. “Tell that to my body that appreciates the way you’ve changed. You’re not passionate? You should feel the way you kiss or read what you write. You’re not completely spontaneous? That’s not even up for debate. You’re still fucking perfect, Mika. I’m just asking for a chance for us to work together. That’s it. Just a chance.”
I really hate how easy it is to forget the disaster we are.
“Just a chance is dangerous for me,” I remind him. “Emotions are… They’re a fucking wild card from hell, Chase. I… I lost it. Something as simple as a shift in plans sent me spiraling into the madness so deep that I destroyed my brother all over again. My brother isn’t even allowed to show me physical affection. Do you know that? Seven years. I went seven years without any physical harm to myself. Do you understand?”
He doesn’t look the least bit deterred. If anything, he looks like he’s even more steadfast than before. So I simplify what I’m saying.
“I’m a fucking psycho,” I add, watching his lips twitch like he finds it humorous.
“You’re not psycho. How long are we going to do this dance before I convince you to come back?”
“Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to keep saying no?” I groan.
“Then say yes,” he chirps, grinning like this is a game to him. Just his smile makes me stupidly smile back.
It takes a very, very large effort, but I mask my features once again when I see too much triumph in his eyes. This is a one-way road to fucked-up-ville, and there isn’t much of a chance for return for him.
“You’re still in love with the girl you knew, Chase. Yes, I agree that this argument is getting tired, but I’m not that girl anymore. Stop. Just stop,” I say quietly, leaning forward to rest my head on his chest again when staring into his eyes becomes too hard.
His arms wrap around me, and his hand slides up and down my back, a soothing motion that feels too good. I just got over the need for physical contact… Or at least I thought I did. I’m soaking it in right now like I can’t get enough, even though I should be putting distance between us.
“You’re the only person who makes me feel anything,” he says so quietly that I almost don’t hear it.
A tear escapes my eye, and I squeeze my eyes shut in protest of the other tears that want to join the escapee.
“I fucked up once and let you go. Then I lived with a hole inside of me, Mika. Yeah, I know that’s cliché and cheesy, but it’s the truth. Then you came back, and I stopped surviving and felt like I was finally living. You’re still it for me. I’m not letting you go again.”
“I have so many limitations,” I admit, still trying to talk him out of this. It’s insane. “I don’t even know how to ride a bike anymore.”
“I guess it’s a good thing I outgrew my bike,” he says dryly.
I laugh and groan at the same time, and he kisses the top of my head.
“My mind only works well if I’m not agitated. Normal people get agitated in a good relationship. Do you understand I could go loco at the slightest thing?”
“You’re sexy when you’re crazy.”
I lean back and glare up at him as he smirks down at me.
“I’m literally crazy now. And this isn’t a joke.”
His smirk vanishes.
“You’re not crazy. There’s a difference in a brain injury and being crazy. But I wouldn’t give a damn if you were certifiably insane—”
“I was at one time,” I interrupt, but he goes on as though I haven’t said anything.
“I don’t care if you put ice cream in the cabinet instead of the freezer. I don’t care if you can’t ride a fucking bike or bowl. I don’t care if you have to break shit on occasion. I don’t give a damn about all the things you have to do to cope. It’s not a sacrifice, Mika. At all.”
I study his eyes, and he moves closer, sliding his hands around my back, sparking so many feelings and desires I’ve tried to ignore.
“And what happens when I push myself too far and end up in the ER again?” I ask in a broken tone as I fight back tears.
“I have an idea, actually. But we’ll get to that later. The point is, you’re getting better and better. Dr. Stein will help us adjust, and we’ll figure it out. All relationships have hurdles. This one is ours.”
