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“Many reasons. She might have loved him.”
“He wasn’t a lovable man.” I remembered that distinctly. Even when he’d tried to be nice to me, had thrown a few balls for me to catch and had taken me horseback riding—the one hobby we’d done together consistently over my childhood—he’d never been anything other than stern, really.
A constant father figure. Never bending enough to smile or really let loose with me.
“A child only sees one aspect of his parents’ relationship,” she intoned wisely.
“I guess.” But I knew I was right. I let out a breath and tried to shore up the courage to continue with the revelations because I knew brushing her off wasn’t the way to go. I tried again, “There’s a reason I was relieved he’d gone, Lauren. He just wasn’t… he was very stern and stoic. Stressed, I guess. And with all the lies he had to tell, I guess that didn’t help his bipolar.”
“Jesus, he must have been high-functioning.”
I snorted. “Sociopaths often are.”
“Ouch,” she said softly.
I shrugged. “It’s what he was. I’m sure of it. Don’t need a degree in shrink to know what the man did was atrocious and speaks of so many nasty traits to his personality.” Sucking in a breath, I murmured, “Anyway. My point is, this man lying here today, was only in my life for a handful of years, but he’s managed to touch everything I do. Every success and every failure rests with him.”
“It doesn’t,” she argued, and I felt her pride in me at that moment. It filled me with a warmth that was lacking on this cold, grim day. “You did it on your own merit.”
I cut her a look. “I did it to prove I wasn’t like him, Lauren. I even broke up with you because of that.” She sucked in a sharp breath, but I didn’t let her speak. “I needed to prove to myself that I could be successful. I-I guess, in a way, that translated eventually into my needing to prove I was worthy of you.” I closed my eyes. “If I was ever going to be with a woman, I was never going to do to her what my father had done to my mother.”
Air wheezed from my lungs at the confession. “It would kill me to come to you without some measure of success. I know you’re nothing like my mother, Lauren. You’re strong, confident, and can make your way in the world without my help. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to give you the world. I never wanted you to do without, and when I was going to New York, I knew for a long time you’d be doing without me.”
Silence fell at my words, and I didn’t turn my head to look at her. Just kept it bowed as I let her come to terms with what I’d had to say.
I hadn’t intended for this to be a word vomit session. To throw all my secrets at her, secrets that were so intrinsic to me that I couldn’t separate them from any part of my personality.
“But, I’d have been with you.”
“Do you think a man my age reaches the position I have at an agency like Leviathan and Dronig without making a sacrifice, Lauren? I have no life outside of the job I have now. Back then, believe it or not, it was worse. You’d have been in a city you had never visited before, on a new campus with new people and new professors and new subjects, all without the family support you all your life, just so you could be with me. But I’d never have there. I didn’t want that for you. I didn’t want to see the love you felt for me die slowly from lack of care.”
“But I was used to you working a lot.”
The confusion in her voice made me wince. “I know, but you were in a safe environment. With people around you that you’d known for years, and you were so close to your family too. I knew you’d come with me, and I knew that one day you would come to hate me. I know you hated me when I left, but I could deal with that because I left you with the best intentions. I only wanted to protect you. That’s all I ever want, Lauren. For you to be safe and happy. Even if that meant I couldn’t be a part of your life, I wanted that for you.”
The stillness and the peace of the cemetery were appropriate at that moment. I could tell that she was astonished by my words, by my admission. I hadn’t really meant to blurt all that out, but they were words that had needed to be spoken. Words that she deserved to hear.
“If it’s confession time,” she said softly, catching my attention with the oddity of her tone, “I guess I have something to share too.”
I blinked. What could she possibly have to confess to me? And why hadn’t she stormed off in outrage? Did her staying here by my side mean she forgave me? Did it mean she understood why I’d done what I’d done?
“Okay,” I said, drawing out the syllables a tad, realizing it was my turn to be confused.
“Justin asked me to find him an ad agency. I remembered the name of the one you interned at and looked you up. It was all on the off chance.” She pursed her lips. “Fate must have been on our side, because I saw you listed on the site. You could have moved to another agency, you could have been in a different city, but you weren’t. You were exactly where I could find you.”
I blinked at that, taken aback. “You targeted Leviathan and Dronig because of me?”
She nodded. Slowly. There wasn’t a hint of recrimination on her face—not that there needed to be. But…
“Hang on. You were so angry when I arrived,” I blurted out, the hurt from that first meeting still had the power to punch me in the gut.
“I know. That surprised me. I was prepared for you coming, prepared to see you, and yet when I did, I was just furious. You were so different and yet the same too.” She pursed her lips. “I was mad that I hadn’t been there to see those changes manifest as they happened, angry that another woman had seen what should have been mine.”
I swallowed thickly at her words. “L-Lauren, I don’t know what to say.”
She studied me a second. “Are you mad at me?”
Should I be? She’d lied, I guessed. Had deceived me. But– “No. I can’t be mad at you over that
