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How funny this guy wanted to judge, like he had a right?
I pointed at him. “You didn’t want to call me on my shit. You wanted payback—point-blank, because I wouldn’t let you put your hands on me.”
He said nothing, of course, and how could he?
It was true.
I really was hella freaking good at picking guys. I actually thought he’d been the nice one.
And tossed the one I wanted away.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Cleo
I tried Jaxen several times that night, but his phone must have been off or dead because it went straight to voicemail every time. I ended up having to give up and go to bed, but when I woke up the next morning, same thing. I couldn’t get past the voicemail option. I thought to leave him a text message, but decided on a whim, just to head back to school. Odds were, he didn’t go back home for the weekend and I needed to talk to him. This couldn’t wait.
I needed to apologize.
I hadn’t held faith in him like I should have, so first thing, I was up and heading on the road. I told Mom everything this morning, that what happened wasn?
?t Jaxen’s fault but Lawson’s. I told her this whole thing was a big misunderstanding, and she immediately contacted Lawson’s mom too. Odds were, he hadn’t told the truth to her. He was a coward, and cowards didn’t tell the truth. It’d probably be best if he decided to go to another school next term because I had a feeling once Jaxen learned Lawson’s place in all this, he’d be coming for him as he should. He’d screwed us both.
Mom hadn’t understood my need to go until I told her that truth too, that it hadn’t been just sex as awkward as the conversation was. I had real feelings for my stepbrother, and though she hadn’t been in love with that, she hadn’t stopped me from going.
“I trust you know what you’re doing,” she’d said and that we’d discuss everything when Dad came back home. I asked if she knew where he went and she said she didn’t have too many details herself. He just said that he had to leave quickly and was supposed to check in with her this morning. I assumed he had a work obligation, usually the case and since Mom didn’t seemed to be too alarmed, I wasn’t either. Anyway, I didn’t want to bother him with all this anyway. That wasn’t priority. I needed to get back to campus and talk to Jaxen.
My hour-plus-long commute was anxiety-ridden, and not one moment of it did I think about anything else. My thoughts were completely on Jaxen and what I’d say to him. I didn’t know how to handle this situation.
I’d never been in love before.
Of course, I’d loved people. I loved my mom, my adoptive father, and my biological dad. I loved my baby brother, Nathan, but this kind of love with Jaxen was completely different. It was all-consuming and so overwhelming I couldn’t even easily admit it to myself. It was terrifying, but also the most beautiful thing I’d ever felt. I wanted to be surrounded by it every day, which made all of this just that much more scary. Odds were, he might not feel the same way. Topics such as this, openness and feelings, were just so much harder with him, and add to the fact I hadn’t believed him about the text? I just didn’t know what would happen.
Instead, I attempted to focus on driving, and though I didn’t normally answer text messages on the road or even look at my phone, something compelled me to glance over to my device on my passenger seat when it buzzed.
Jaxen: I don’t expect you to talk to me. You haven’t been, so you probably won’t, but I got to tell you something. I know you’ll at least read this so that’s why I’m sending it as a text instead of just calling you. I hope you’ll respond.
The messages buzzed in one after the other, long and I tapped a finger to navigate to my text messages screen.
Jaxen: Something happened last night. Something big that completely fucked with my head. I basically found out everyone’s been lying to me. My mothers. Rick.
Dad?
Jaxen: And this lie basically made me blow up my life. It made me try to punish Rick for something he didn’t even really do. As it turns out, my biological mom had actually done the thing I thought he had. He’d been lying to me, he said, to protect me and my life as I knew it.
My thoughts traveled back to those last conversations with all of us, how my adoptive father had said he needed to keep something from Jaxen. That he couldn’t take something away from him. He’d been so adamant about it. Like there was no other way.
Jaxen: I thought I’d be more angry finding all this out, but honestly, I was just tired. I was tired of hating my father. I was tired of pain. He, my moms, and I talked a lot after they all fessed up. Fuck, my mothers were losing it. Tears everywhere by the end, and Rick got emotional too. He flew all the way over to my moms’ place just to hash this out, and I was glad he did. I was glad we all didn’t have to do this anymore, this shit thing, and I actually got to talk a lot with Rick. Just us. It was good for us. It was good.
Oh my gosh.
Jaxen: Anyway, why this relates to you was I royally messed up. I fucked up. I was operating by a lot of false information. Things I felt Rick did to me, and I punished you for them. I wanted to hurt you, hate you for a bunch of stuff that had nothing to do with you. My issues were with my father, and I took it out on you, easier than just being a decent fucking human being, which is actually who Rick Fairchild turned out to be. It makes sense because of who you are, the kid he did end up raising, but you’re more than just a decent fucking human being. You’re everything.
Everything…
Jaxen: I don’t have words for how good you are, Girl Scout. Not good at this shit at all. I just know you’re too good for me, and I don’t blame you for not believing me that night. I gave you more than one reason not to in the past, a million reasons. I’m a screwup who fucked with the only pure thing I had in my life. The only thing that wasn’t pain, the only thing that wasn’t lies. I thought you were playing me all this time. But really, I was the one who ended up playing myself.
My throat constricted, breathing while trying to navigate the road. I shouldn’t be reading these while driving, for many reasons.
