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“I-I don’t think that.”
“Yes you do.”
He opens his mouth to reply but I place my finger over his lips. “I need those documents.”
“S-sure,” he stutters, his expression stunned and oddly adorable. “I’ll get right on it.”
Still grinning, I turn for my desk. “You might want to pull up your pants first.”
“R-right. Yeah.”
Taking a seat behind my desk, I sit back in my chair, clasping my hands together as I watch Theodore straighten himself up. He dresses swiftly and offers a small, somewhat bemused, nod before unlocking the door and leaving my office.
I’m so fucking happy right now. It’s an emotion I’d almost forgotten and I refuse to let it go.
**********
Sliding my waning dick out of Theodore’s mouth, I sigh. “I really need to get going,” I say, grabbing the headrest of the backseat of my car to pull myself into a sitting position. “Max is expecting me.”
Theodore wipes his mouth on the back of his hand while I fasten my pants and belt.
I smile, but he doesn’t return it. “What’s wrong?” I ask, reaching out to touch his arm.
He shrugs, staring down at the foot-well between the seats. “I don’t know if this is what I want.”
My breath catches in my throat and for a second it feels like my lungs are paralysed. “What do you mean?”
“What is this, James? What are we doing?”
I’m confused, and I’m sure it shows on my face. “I think they call it oral sex in the back of a car.” I know that’s not the answer he’s looking for, but I just want the serious look on his face to disappear.
It doesn’t. “It’s not enough. For the last few days, all we’ve done is fuck in your office, in the car, in a bathroom at the village. I’m starting to feel like some kind of cheap fuck toy.”
“Theodore…”
“I don’t like it, James. I don’t like the man I’m turning into. Sex used to mean something to me. I didn’t just give myself to anyone who asked. But with you…”
His words fade and I don’t know what to do, what to say. I want to reassure him but I don’t know how. I’ve never done this before. Theodore’s the first man I’ve ever fucked more than twice. Does that make this a relationship? I wouldn’t know. Is that what he’s even asking for? I wouldn’t know that either.
All I know is that I’m not ready to stop being with him yet. He’s a good man. He has values. He cares. He makes me wish I could be like him. He makes me want to be better.
“I know it’s just sex,” he continues. “And that for some people it doesn’t need to involve emotion, but it does for me. I can’t help it.”
“Don’t say that like it’s a bad thing,” I say. It’s not a notion I particularly understand, but I admire it nonetheless. “I don’t know if I can be who you want me to be, but…but I can try.”
He shakes his head and it confuses me even more. I’m losing him and I don’t know how to stop it.
“I’d never want or ask you to change. That’s not how relationships work.”
“Is that what you want? A relationship?”
Theodore sighs. “I just want to know you. You. Not just your dick.”
He has no idea what he’s asking for. If he did, I’m sure he wouldn’t be sitting here right now.
“I’m really not that interesting,” I say, forcing playfulness into my voice. I suppose it’s my way of trying to dodge this whole, uncomfortable conversation.
“But I am interested. To everyone else you’re an uptight, arrogant prick, but I’ve already seen deeper than that. And…and I want more.”
More? “I don’t know if I can give you that.”
Sighing, Theodore pulls away from my touch. “Then I can’t do this anymore.”
“Wait!” I say, panicked as his fingers curl around the door handle. “I’ll try. I don’t know if I can do it but, please, let me try.”
“Why? I’m sure you’ll find a replacement in no time. In fact, for all the shit Ed talks about you, I’m pretty sure he’d jump at the chance to suck you off in your car. You wouldn’t even need to say please.”
“But I don’t want him, or anyone else. I want you.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I could come up with some cheesy bullshit but it would be a lie. You’re different. I haven’t been able to get you out of my head since the very first time I laid eyes on you. It makes no sense to me so, no, I can’t tell you why. But…I-I need you, Theodore.”
Closing his eyes, he exhales slowly through his nose. “I feel like I might be about to agree to the worst mistake of my life.”
“I can’t promise that you’re not,” I say, my heart pounding.
“But no more sex. I’m banning it.”
What! “For how long?” My balls ache at the thought.
“Until we know each other a little better.”
“So…you want to date first?”
“I know it’s old-fashioned but-”
“It is,” I cut in. “But I also find the idea strangely fascinating. I can’t say I’ll be any good at it, but I’ll give it a go.”
“You will?”
“The concept of courting has-”
“Jesus, don’t call it that. You make me feel like an old man.”
I can’t help but smile. “Dating has never appealed to me before, but for you…” I think I’d do just about anything. What the hell has this man done to me? “For you, I’ll try.”
“Okay then,” he says, with what looks like a mixture of surprise and suspicion clouding his eyes. “Let’s just hang out. See what happens.”
Hang out? I don’t think I’ve ever ‘hung out’ in my life. “I can still wank though, right?” I ask, my tone teasing.
Theodore rolls his eyes and offers a lopsided smile at the same time. “I want to get to know you, not control you. Wank away.”
When I realise our time together is coming to an end, my smile fades. “Can I at least kiss you before you leave?”
He responds with actions, climbing into my lap and twisting his fingers into my hair. My lips part, eager to take his tongue, but it doesn’t appear. Resting his forehead on mine, he pecks feather-light kisses across my top lip before sucking it gently between his teeth and releasing it again.
