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“My grandfather on my mother’s side is, but he doesn’t recognise us anymore. Alzheimer’s. He’s in a care home in Warrington.”
“I’m sorry. I imagine that’s even worse than them being dead. To know who they are, to love them, and yet you’re a stranger.” My voice fades, my mind unable to conceive what that must feel like. “Sorry. That was insensitive,” I add the second I realise I’ve practically just told him his granddad would be better off dead. Fucking moron, Theo.
“No need. You’re right. It’s been difficult for all of us.” The rawness in his tone steals my breath for a moment.
“Do you visit him often?”
“As often as I can. At least once a month. Sometimes, if only for a few minutes, he remembers me. I see it on his face when it registers and…” Emotion causes a crack in his words and a lump forms in my throat. “I cherish those moments.”
We stare at each other and, right now, he’s the only person in the world.
“Well, I don’t know about you two but this third wheel is gonna leave you to it.” Tess’ voice startles me back into reality.
“You don’t have to leave,” I tell her.
“I’m not.” She jumps to her feet. “I’m going to bed. Your bed. At least with your sex ban I don’t have to worry about fuck-grunts and banging furniture keeping me awake.”
I’m too mortified to reply but in my head I’m wondering if you can buy arsenic on the internet.
“So she knows about your ban, huh?” James asks when the bedroom door closes behind Tess. He sounds amused.
“I tell her everything. Though I’m beginning to regret that after tonight.”
James chuckles. “I like her. She seems fun.”
“You do?” I don’t mean to sound surprised but James and Tess are opposites in every possible way.
“She makes you smile,” he says. “And you have a beautiful smile, Theodore.”
Biting my bottom lip, my gaze wanders down his body until it lands on the laminate floor. I’m not sure whether I’m embarrassed, flattered, or turned the hell on. Probably a little of each.
After clearing the plates into the sink, I nip into my bedroom and grab a spare duvet, laughing quietly at the sound of Tess’ snores. It’s the closest to a sofa I can manage and I spread it out onto the living room floor for James and I to sit on.
Castle plays on the TV but we don’t watch it. For hours we simply lie together, on our sides, face to face. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we just stare at each other, but we don’t touch even once.
And it’s perfect.
What sounds like a bomb detonating over my head startles me awake and I leap from the floor like a ninja on speed. “What the fuck, Tess?” I blast, silently grateful that I haven’t shit my pants as I eye up the two pan lids in her hands. Unsurprisingly, James is sat up, too. I don’t remember falling asleep with him.
“Ha! Your faces! That was even funnier than I planned.”
Strangely enough, she’s the only one laughing.
“Your mum called. She’s doing dinner early today. Tom’s bringing his new bird over.”
Blinking the sleep from my eyes, I scratch my head. “Tom’s got a girlfriend?”
My brother has never brought a woman home before. His idea of a relationship is sleeping with a girl for a second time before he ends it. A bit like James, my mind torments me. My gaze roams to him, still sitting on the floor, and I inwardly tell my thoughts to fuck off. He’s here, that’s all that matters.
“Your mum sounded equally shocked,” Tess says. “Yet weirdly excited. Think she’s picking out a wedding hat already.”
“Tom’s your brother?” James asks, standing up.
“Yeah. Sunday is family day at my mum’s. I can’t get out of it.” It comes out like an apology, although I don’t mean it to.
“And you shouldn’t. Not all families are so close. Don’t ever lose that.”
Something hides in his words and I study his face. Envy, maybe? Is he not close to his family? The concern in his brother’s voice when I called him from the hospital made me think they were tight. So did the sadness in James’ eyes when he talked about his dad. Perhaps I’m reading too much into it, seeing things that aren’t there. I just can’t seem to shake the sense that there are some pretty dark demons lurking inside him and I wonder if his family know about them.
“Can I use your bathroom before I leave?”
“Course.” I point to the relevant door. “It’s the one on the right.”
I smile as I watch him walk away and I know I look like a lovesick fool. More to the point, I know Tess will pull me up on it.
“You look happy, T.”
That certainly isn’t the insult I expected. “I am.” I think. Is that what this feeling is? The one that makes my chest tighten, my stomach flutter, when I’m with him, when I think of him? Is it happiness? “But don’t mention him to my mum yet,” I whisper.
“Um, okay.” She sounds confused.
“She’ll want to meet him and I’m just not sure where things are heading between us yet.”
James coughs, startling me. I wonder if he genuinely needed to cough or if it was his way of alerting us to the fact he could overhear.
Shit.
Tess disappears into the bedroom without a word and I swallow forcefully as James steps closer to me.
“Thank you,” he breathes, before brushing my lips so softly with his I can’t be sure I haven’t imagined it. “I had a really great time yesterday.”
“Me too.” And I mean it. I’ve learned so much about him in the last twenty-four hours. Nothing monumental, but the little things that have moulded him into the man he is today. His tastes in music, films, books. The places he’s worked, bits and pieces about his family, although the latter was brief. I don’t think he feels comfortable discussing the people he’s close to and I can’t imagine why. It’s just one of the many mysteries surrounding James Holden that I’ve yet to figure out.
