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Staring into the mirror after my shower, I still look like shit. My eyes are so dark and swollen I can’t help wonder if they’ll ever look normal again. I don’t want to look at myself anymore so I dress quickly, brush my teeth, and then call work. Mike rang several times yesterday after I failed to return, and again this morning, but I don’t have enough energy left in me to deal with him so I dial Stacey’s extension instead.
I’m purposely vague, explaining that James has had an accident and I need to take a few days to be with him. There’s a wariness in Stacey’s voice that makes me think she doesn’t quite believe me but that’s the least of my problems right now so ignore it. I don’t know what James will want people to know and it’s not my decision to make. I also don’t know what’s going to happen ‘at the top’ of Holden House. James has a silent business partner and other higher management members that I’ve never met, but I assume Max is dealing with those.
“Lucy’s nice,” I say to Tess as I tie the laces on my shoes. “I’m sorry I haven’t gotten to know her properly yet.”
Tess smiles, and for a moment she looks lost in her own little world. “You know that ‘click’ you told me about when you started seeing James? The one that makes no sense, it’s just…there? I felt that click. We just get each other, you know? I think…” she trails off, lowering her voice, presumably in case Lucy can hear us from the bathroom. “I think I love her.”
Knowing how that feels, I smile. “I’m happy for you.” And when James is better, because he will get better, I will get to know Lucy like I should’ve done already.
“Do you want me to come with you to the hospital?”
“No need. I’ll probably have to hang around until visiting hours. I’ll be fine on my own.”
“Well if you change your mind, I’ll be on the first bus over there.”
“Thanks,” I say, forcing a weak smile. “My taxi should be here any minute. I’ll go wait outside.”
“Do you want me to arrange for your car to be picked up from the cemetery?”
“Thanks, but Tom said he’ll sort it.”
When I stand from the sofa, she throws her arms around me. “I love you, T.”
“Love you too, gorgeous,” I whisper, fighting the urge to cry…again.
Drawing a deep breath, I head out of the flat to spend another day, flooded with worry, uncertainty, and hope, by James’ side.
**********
Day two: No change. I sit with James, alongside Max with Tom popping in whenever he can, for as long as the nurses will let me. At night, I don’t sleep, my brain forcing me to relive everything that’s happened over and over until it’s time to get up and do it all again.
Day three: No change. I’m living in déjà vu hell as the day pans out exactly the same as the last.
Come on, James. Wake up for me.
Day four: Today, the doctor with the jazzy stethoscope attempts to wean James off his ventilator. It’s unsuccessful, and the day remains the same as the previous two.
Day five: No change.
Day six: “Hello?” I answer Max’s call in a panic, abandoning the task of making toast that I’ll nibble at until I throw it in the bin.
“James is awake. The hospital just called.”
When I exhale, it feels like fifty tonnes of pain pours out of my body. “Oh thank God.”
“We can’t see him just yet, but they’ll let us in before visiting time. I’m going over now. Do you want a lift?”
“Yes. Absolutely. Yes. Please. Thank you.” Oh God thank you.
“I’ll be there in about twenty minutes.”
“Thank you.” Thank you, thank you, thank you.
After hanging up on Max, I call Tom. It goes straight to voicemail, he must be at work already, so I leave a message before ringing my mum, then Tess.
I’m already outside, my feet tapping anxiously against the pavement, when Max’s car pulls up. I get in quickly, and he sets off again before I’ve even finished fixing my seatbelt. The drive seems to take forever, every traffic light working against us, and when we arrive we head straight up to the waiting room outside the ICU.
We’ve been waiting for almost an hour when Tom turns up, dressed in his scrubs. “Any news?” he asks.
Sighing, I shake my head.
“Let me see what I can find out.”
Both Max and I stare after Tom as he walks away. He disappears into a room marked ‘Staff Only’ and returns after several minutes that feel like hours, with another doctor.
“You can go through,” the other doctor, an older man with salt and pepper hair and an out-dated moustache, says. “I’ll join you in a few minutes to discuss any questions you might have.”
Nodding, Max turns straight to the door of James’ ward.
I start to follow, but I’m stopped by Tom’s hand appearing on my chest. “I’m so sorry, Theo. He’s not ready to see you just yet.”
“What do you mean?” I argue, attempting to step past him. “The doctor just said…”
“He was talking to Max. James doesn’t want to see you. His care team have to respect that.”
“He…doesn’t want to? Why? What…what have I done?”
“He’s recovering from a major trauma. Physically and mentally. He just needs some time.”
I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. “But why? How much time?” This doesn’t make sense. “If you just let me see him, he’ll change his mind, I know he will.”
“I can’t let you do that. I’m sorry, T, really I am. You’re going to have to be patient.”
Patient? Time? How am I supposed to do that when I’m going out of my fucking mind?
“You should go home,” Tom adds. “I’ll keep checking in here and keep you updated.”
“No,” I spit. “I’ll wait.”
“Remember what I said about the long road ahead? He’s in a bad place right now. He might not change his mind today.”
“Then I’ll come back tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Whenever he changes his mind, because he will, he has to, I’ll be here. I’m staying.”
