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For Theodore.
For my family.
For me.
Chapter Thirteen
~Theo~
Naively, I thought the knot of worry tangled around my stomach would loosen once I saw James. It hasn’t. The poised and confidant man I knew just isn’t there anymore. The James I visited yesterday was timid and nervous. His back was hunched, his fingers fidgeted, and his eyes were so…lost. I don’t know how to help him and I feel so damn useless.
After yet another bus ride, I wait for Max outside the hospital unit. When I see him arrive, his mum by his side, my stomach flips in anger. So she’s decided she can be arsed seeing him now, has she?
Swallowing down my frustration, I decide I need to give her the benefit of the doubt for James’ sake, and offer a weak smile.
“Hey, mate,” Max greets me with a pat on the shoulder.
“Hey.”
Julia, James and Max’s mother, doesn’t acknowledge me, so neither do I. After pressing the buzzer to be let inside, we walk through to reception and Max signs us into the visitor’s book. There are so many buzzers and locked doors here. It’s like a prison they’ve tried to disguise with pots of plastic flowers and landscape paintings.
“Do you mind if I go in alone for a couple of minutes first?” I ask, turning to Max.
“Ye-” Julia tries to answer, but Max over-talks her.
“Of course,” he agrees, making the childish side of me feel a little smug when I see the scowl on his mother’s face.
James is waiting in the same spot as yesterday, talking to a guy wearing an eye-patch.
“I didn’t do it,” the guy says, twisting his fingers together in front of his chest. “Don’t let them tell you I did.”
Nervous, I smile awkwardly, and step past him to get to James.
“Hey,” James says, standing to hug me. His touch melts my anxiety instantly. I miss this.
When we sit down, he tugs at his sleeves like he did yesterday. I try not to stare because clearly he’s self-conscious, but I hope, in time, he learns that he doesn’t need to hide. Not from me.
“Don’t look so nervous,” he says, clamping his hand on top of mine. “They won’t hurt you.”
Is it so obvious that this place, these people, make me feel uncomfortable? I can’t help it. I’m not judging on purpose, but they frighten me a little. “Sorry. I don’t mean to.”
“It takes a while to get used to, but they’re just people who aren’t well. Like me.”
The difference is James is my person, and I feel at ease with him whatever he’s going through.
“Have you taken your meds today?”
“Yes. I’m being a good boy,” he replies, wearing a sarcastic smirk that calms my racing heart.
There you are.
“Oh, I have good news. JD Simmons hit the New York Times bestsellers again. Number twelve.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Leaning forward, I whisper in his ear. “I’m so proud of you.”
When I pull back, I expect to see a look of excitement on his face, but it’s not there. “Aren’t you happy about it?”
“I am.” He shrugs. “It’s just that release feels like a lifetime ago.”
Yeah. Yeah it does. “Max is outside.” I draw a deep breath. “So is your mum.”
“Oh,” he mutters, his solemn gaze sweeping the floor.
“You don’t want to see them?”
“No, I do. I’m just a little nervous. Embarrassed, I suppose.”
“You have nothing to be embarrassed about. They’re your family. They love you.”
He looks unsure and my heart aches for him. “You’d better go get them. My mum doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”
Your mum can kiss my arse. “Okay. Back in a sec,” I say, keeping my true thoughts to myself before squeezing his hand and fetching his family.
James is standing when I return with his mum and brother, running his fingers through his hair as if trying to make himself look presentable. He’s thinner, his hair has grown out of style, but he’s still beautiful. He’s still my James.
Julia sits straight down in the chair I can’t help thinking of as mine, whereas Max puts his arms around his brother and claps his back.
“When are they letting you out?” Julia asks as James and Max sit down.
When he’s better, you selfish old cow. Maybe it was an innocent enough question, but because I dislike her, everything she does pisses me off. Like the fact I need to pull up another chair because she’s sitting in mine.
“Not yet,” James answers. “A couple of weeks, maybe.”
“You should’ve told me you were struggling,” she says, and I genuinely hope she’s about to prove my opinion of her wrong. “I’d have called Gerard in sooner. Maybe we wouldn’t have lost so much money.”
Yeah…my opinion hasn’t changed.
“It was more than the business,” James says, his voice timid as he stares over her shoulder.
“Well, what else is bothering you?”
“Nothing. It’s…it’s not like that.”
“You have a nice home, two nice homes, a good car, a great career,” she continues, ignoring him completely. “Do you know my friend Maggie? She was diagnosed with breast cancer last month. She has real problems and she’d do anything to survive.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, barely audible.
“What were you thinking?”
“I-I’m sorry.”
“To just…give up on life like that? When you’re perfectly healthy?”
But he’s not healthy. He’s sick. Bitch.
“Mum,” Max interrupts, his voice scolding. “You’re not helping.”
“He knows what I’m trying to say,” she dismisses with a wave of her hand. “Don’t you, James? Everybody gets depressed now and again but not everyone chooses to put their family through this. You see that, don’t you, James?”
“Y-yes,” James mouths, agreeing with her like a scared child.
“Everyone gets a little down sometimes,” I cut in. “Not depressed.”
She looks at me like I’m something she wants to squish under her boot and it takes purposeful effort not to snap.
As if sensing the tension, Max changes the subject. “Isobel got in trouble at nursery yesterday. She flushed a kid’s drawing down the toilet.”
James laughs, and it’s magical. “Why?”
“He called her a baby.”
“Good for Izzy. That’ll teach him for messing with our girl.”
“That’s what I thought. I couldn’t tell her that of course. She’s lost her tablet for two days.”
