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“Because… I’m not gay, Elle! How many times do I have to tell you that?”
“You let another man suck your dick, and not for the first time I might add. Sounds pretty gay to me.”
“Don’t, Elle,” I warned.
“I was just teasing. But you know how I feel about it all, Saw. This isn’t the first time we’ve had this conversation. Why won’t you let yourself be happy?”
“Happy? You think coming out would make me happy? Elle, I would lose all my fans, therefore my career. The guys would never speak to me again. My mother would condemn me to the pits of hell. That wouldn’t make me happy, it would destroy me.”
“This isn’t the 1950’s anymore for Christ’s sake. There are tons of gay singers out there!”
“Oh please. Maybe in the prissy boy bands, but not in our world. Besides, when Jake went down on me, I closed my eyes. I didn’t touch him once. It could’ve been anyone giving me that blowjob – any woman. I know what’s going on; I’ve thought about nothing else since he got here. Fucking men is a fantasy, that’s all. People have all kind of fantasies but that doesn’t mean they act on them.”
“Who are you trying to convince? Me or yourself?”
“Shooting in ten!” Gavin called through the door. I’d never been more thankful for an interruption.
“Shit!” Elle hissed. “Come on, I’ve got ten minutes to turn you into the knicker-soaking rock star the world wants to see in this magazine.”
“Gorgeous girl, I can make women drip for me with just a wink. My hair doesn’t matter.”
“That’s quite an ego you have there,” she joked, whipping out the little pink pouch that contained her comb and scissors from her pocket. “This conversation isn’t over, Sawyer. Just on hold.”
“Hmm, I thought as much.”
The photo shoot was long and monotonous, just like they always are. The only good thing is, I didn’t have to force a smile. People have come to know me as the brooding, mysterious member of the band, so for the most part I can just sit around looking miserable as shit, and people think I’ve done a great job.
Posing with my guitar for an individual shot, I decided Elle was right. I didn’t need to fuck that Candi chick to prove a point. But then I caught Jake staring at me like he wanted to fucking devour me, and I knew I did in fact need to prove to both him and myself, that I wasn’t who he thought I was.
So that’s how I came to find myself in my hotel suite, lying on my back with my dick balls-deep in Candi’s mouth after cancelling my night out with the guys, knowing Jake was standing right outside my door. I looked down at her, watching myself slide in and out of her mouth. I could see what she was doing to me, but I could barely feel it. It was then I realised I was talking shit to Elle before. It couldn’t have been anyone else sucking me off before. Only Jake has ever made me come as hard as I did in my dressing room just hours ago.
And that pissed me off.
“On your knees,” I ordered. Offering me a lopsided smile as she bit her lip, Candi scrambled to her knees on the bed, ass in the air, just how I wanted her. I crawled up behind her, and after rolling a condom down my waning erection, I wasted no time in nudging at the entrance to her pussy. I needed this. Being inside her would prove a woman could provide everything I need. “Now, Sawyer. I need you to fuck me.”
“Put your head down on the pillows,” I told her after catching her looking behind to study my face. From behind was always my position of choice. I don’t like eye-contact during sex – it makes it too personal. I don’t want or need any kind of mental connection. I eased in slowly, and then stilled while her body got used to me filling her.
“Please,” she begged. “Fuck me, Sawyer. Fuck me real hard.”
Slowly, I started moving. I rocked my hips, pushing myself deeper with each thrust. She wasn’t as tight as I’d have liked. Unable to get the friction I needed, I stared down at my cock entering her body, hoping the visual would speed things up. When it didn’t work, I closed my eyes.
And I imagined Jake.
Soon enough I was pounding her hard and fast. She was a screamer, but I tried to ignore the moans coming from her mouth as I pretended it was Jake’s hips I was grabbing on to. Gritting my teeth, I fucked her like my life depended on it. Then, the second I allowed myself to think of Jake’s mouth wrapped around me this afternoon, I exploded, my body shuddering as my orgasm ripped through my body.
“Fuck,” I said, exhaling and immediately withdrawing so I could collapse onto the mattress.
“Mind if I take a shower before I leave?” Candi asked, thankfully understanding the fact she was only here for a quick fuck, nothing else.
“Sure,” I said, draping my forearm over my eyes so I didn’t have to look at her. I’d just used her completely. I fucked her for no other reason than to prove to myself I was straight.
I failed.
The only thing that got me off was the memory of Jake’s mouth around my cock and the image of his naked body, a body that I had to imagine. I’d seen Jake naked before – back in our teens, but even through his clothes I could tell he doesn’t have the same body I remember. His shirts didn’t used to cling to his firm chest like they do now. If he wore a jacket, it wouldn’t grip his broad shoulders causing the material to strain with every flex of his muscles.
Damn him for coming back here!
When Candi got out of the shower, I took one myself while she was fixing her clothes and hair and all that other shit women do. She was just about ready to leave when I’d finished, picking her back and jacket from the floor as I made my way into the bedroom with just a towel wrapped around my waist.
