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I shrugged, aiming for nonchalance but failing miserably. Even after all these years the memory still managed to make my stomach roll and my eyes damp.
“How badly did he hurt you?” Jake asked, shifting closer to me on the bed and curving his hand around the back of my neck. His touch… I’d never felt anything like it. It made my skin tingle, my heart rate quicken… I was comfortable with him. I felt safe with him. When I was with Jake, I was no longer famous. I wasn’t a star. I was just a man. A man who was possibly falling in love… and it was the most exhilarating, terrifying feeling in the world.
“Pretty bad. I was in the hospital for two weeks. He kicked me so hard he punctured one of my lungs.”
I winced at the memory. It’s as fresh and vivid in my mind as if it happened just this morning. ‘Dirty fucking queer’ he yelled at me, over and over again while he punched me. I fought back, of course I did. Landed a few bruises on him here and there but he was so much stronger than I was. I remember everything up until the point I heard my nose crack under the weight of his fist, then he must’ve knocked me out because my next memory is waking up in the hospital after being ‘jumped for my wallet’.
I screamed at him until the point he’d knocked all the air from my lungs. I denied it, blamed Jake. I told him I wasn’t queer and that the thought of it sickened me. I shouted it until my throat burned, said Jake forced himself on me and that I hated him for it. At the time, I did. At least I wanted to. I wasn’t gay – a poof, bender, shirt lifter, shit stabber… that wasn’t who I was. It’s only now I’m starting to wonder if maybe I was that person, I just didn’t want to be.
“Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry.” Jake’s arm was draped across my stomach and he snuck his hand under my back, squeezing me a little tighter. “I hope they locked that bastard up for long fucking time.”
“I didn’t report it,” I admitted, avoiding eye-contact with him.
“Why the hell not?”
“Because I wanted to forget it!” I snapped unintentionally. I immediately felt guilty and softened my tone. “I didn’t want anyone to know what he saw. I was so… ashamed I suppose. My mum would’ve disowned me, my friends would’ve ripped the ever living piss out of me. I couldn’t talk to anyone. You were gone and I hated it. Then I hated that I hated it. I’ve never stopped thinking about you, Jake. Fuck knows I’ve tried, but since that day… I’ve just never felt ‘right’. I’ve got a life most people can only dream of yet I’ve always felt like something was missing. I never knew what that something was, until now.”
“Sawyer,” he breathed, leaning up to nibble my neck.
“Mmmhmm?”
“I need you to fuck me again.”
Without a second’s doubt, I gripped Jake’s shoulders and forced him onto his back. Rolling on top of his toned body, I brought my face to his, our noses touching.
“What the fuck are you doing to me?” I whispered hoarsely, then I crashed my lips to his, and made love to him until we were both numb.
When I started to stir, an arm draping over my hips startled me to full consciousness.
“Shit!” I exclaimed, making Jake jump to a sitting position. “It’s 4AM! I need to stop falling to sleep with you.”
I tried to throw a leg over the edge of the bed but Jake pulled me back.
“Calm down, Sawyer. When have you ever known any of the guys to be awake at this hour the morning of a show? I’m not saying it’s not time for you to leave, but let’s just take a moment, huh? Wake up together.”
“Hmm,” I sighed, pulling my leg back into the middle of the bed. “Ok. Just a few minutes though.”
I lay down back down on my side so we were face to face. He was so close I could feel his breath on my face. For the first time, I looked at him, getting lost in his eyes, and I allowed myself to admit something both to him, and myself.
“You’re really beautiful,” I said, raising my hand and stroking my fingers through his short, black hair. To admit that out loud was terrifying, yet it rolled off my tongue as if it was the most natural thing in the world to be so attracted to him.
“You think so?” He was wearing a teasing smile, staring back at me with the most hypnotic eyes I’d ever seen. Honestly, they were crystal blue. Flawless. Completely mesmerising.
I never stood a chance.
“Tell me how you feel about me, Sawyer. I’m not asking you to say you love me, I just need to know where you’re head’s at. If we’re heading towards the same goal.”
Wow. Serious much?
“I don’t know what my goal is,” I said honestly. “I haven’t let myself think that far ahead. Guess I’m still trying to get used to this first. To us.”
“And how’s that going?”
“I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop wanting you, needing to touch you. You need to know I really care about you, Jake. I don’t know if that’s what love is, but I know I will never intentionally hurt you. I don’t ever plan to push you away again, but I also can’t promise I won’t. You’re the only person in the world who knows me absolutely. My whole life is an act, and I can be myself with you. You have no idea how liberating that feels.”
“That’ll do for now,” he whispered, leaning into me and brushing my lips with his.
“Listen, I’ve been thinking.”
“You sure that’s a good idea?”
“Funny,” I said, forcing sarcasm into my voice. “I own a house in the Lakes. It’s really secluded, far away from everything and everyone. I thought maybe you’d come and spend a week with me there before we need to head to LA. We’d have to think of an excuse. I don’t want anyone knowing I’m there, or especially that you’re there with me. And of course, if you don’t want to then, you know, that’s ok. It was just an idea. You know what, it was a stupid idea…”
