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“Fuck. I know. I’m sorry. I’m just… oh fuck, Elle I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
“You care about him don’t you? You always have.”
I sighed heavily, unsure what to say. I decided at this point honesty was probably the best policy.
“Yeah. I really do.”
“But you think that’s wrong don’t you? It’s written all over your face. You’re ashamed.”
“I don’t want to be. But I can’t help it. The thought of people knowing terrifies me. Talking to Ryder before in my dressing room, I admired him so much. You know, there aren’t many people I respect in this world, but he’s one of them. Crazy, huh? I don’t even know him.”
“I know we’ve had this conversation before, but what exactly is it that scares you? Imagine the world finds out tomorrow, what’s the worst that’s gonna happen?”
“People will… I dunno… laugh. Put me down, put Jake down. I know it sounds ridiculous but I’m a fucking rock star, Elle. A celebrity. We’re all wired with this crazy need for attention. To be adored, accepted. I need that. I need to feel like people want me, that they need me.”
“But those people don’t matter. People do need you. I need you. Jake needs you. Maybe you should have a long hard think about putting the people who genuinely care about you first. And don’t take that as me saying we need to throw a coming out party with rainbows and butterflies tomorrow. It’s your life and you deserve to keep parts of it private. All I’m saying is, don’t push the only person I’ve known you care about in that way aside for fear or what might happen in the future. I don’t think this is even about being gay. I don’t think you want to let anyone in because you’re scared of getting hurt.”
“What? That’s ridiculous.”
“No it’s not. If there’s anyone in the world who understands you it’s me. We’re the same. Cut from the same cloth. You’ve never met your father and the only thing your mother’s ever loved is her pride. The only difference between us is my mum chooses to love the booze instead. I know what it feels like to want somebody to love you, Sawyer. We all want someone to accept us, take care of us. Most people get it from their parents… we didn’t and it’s fucked up and hard to deal with.”
“Is that why you’ve never had a serious relationship? Are you scared of letting someone in?”
“Looking back, yes. It was only recently I was forced to look back on how I reacted to people wanting anything more than a quick shag. I want more, Sawyer. I deserve more. And so do you.”
“Are you saying you’ve met someone?”
“That’s another story for another day. We’re here.”
I hadn’t even noticed the car slowing down but, looking out of the window, I saw she was right. The other guys had arrived first and were waiting for us on the pavement. Ryder seemed to be quite at home, chatting away with Gavin. He was going to fit right in with us, however long he was around.
“About fucking time!” Matt complained. “Now… take me to that pussy.”
“Oh,” Ryder said, contorting his face into an ‘ooops’ expression.
“What?” Matt asked.
“Um… nothing.” Ryder turned his head away from Matt and I caught the silent laugh he had to himself. Was there some kind of surprise waiting for us I hadn’t been made aware of? Along with our own team, club security accompanied us into the building and the ‘surprise’ immediately punched me in the face.
Ryder had brought us to a gay club.
“What the actual fuck?” Matt yelled. “Where the hell’s all the pussy?”
“Um, you’ll still find some if you look hard enough,” Ryder shrugged. “Straight people come here too. But I’m afraid they don’t get many groupies looking for famous rock stars to fuck.” The amusement on Ryder’s face was palpable, and I couldn’t help but smile.
“Ugh. Never again will I go along with you guys.”
“Shut the hell up, twat,” Daz said. “We’re here now. Go and get us some beers.”
“Fuck beer. The only way I will survive this place is to get off my fucking face and fucking quickly. Don’t know about you guys but I’m having vodka. Lots of it.”
Spiral was definitely a new experience for me. I’m not quite sure how I felt, most likely because I felt such a wide range of things during my time there. At first I was uncomfortable, possibly even nervous that somehow the people in here would ‘know’ about me. Like maybe they had some kind of sixth sense for spotting other gay people. Soon enough though, my discomfort morphed into a form of envy. I watched people dancing, couples embracing each other, laughing, joking, drinking… It was all so ‘normal’. No different to any other regular nightclub, bar the fact most of the people groping each other were the same sex.
I realise now the reason for that is because it is normal. But it’s too late for me. I’ve dug myself a hole too big to ever climb out of. If I was honest about who I really was now, people would want to know why I’d lied for so long. They’d know I was too ashamed to admit it for so many years. These people dancing and living their lives in front of me didn’t deserve anyone being ashamed of who they are and what they represent. If I was to come out, I’d be letting them down.
“How long have you known?” Ryder’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. I hadn’t noticed him sit down next to me. The rest of the guys were wasted, dancing and making utter twats of themselves on the floor somewhere no doubt, so I was alone. Our guards were around somewhere, lurking in the corners watching us from afar.
“Known what?” I asked casually. Ryder scanned the area around us as if looking for anyone who might hear us.
“That you’re gay?” he whispered, hovering his mouth next to me ear so I would hear him above the music.
