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“Absolutely. I’ll be working on these over the weekend. I’ll give you a call and you can come round to my house?”
“I’d love that. Thank you,” I beamed, bubbles of excitement stirring in my stomach.
“You know one of the most important lessons in photography?” Mark asked. I cocked my head upwards a little in response. “Learning how to carry equipment.”
“Huh?” Confusion forced my eyebrows together until I saw a smile creep across Mark’s face. “Ah, I see,” I said, breathing out a small laugh. Bending down, I picked up two of his bags and hooked them over my shoulder before making my way back to Ivan’s SUV. I smiled to myself along the way, filled with a newfound enthusiasm. For the first time in a long time I saw a future ahead of me.
Back at the studio I was surprised to find Ryder there, messing around on the laptop in Ivan’s office.
“Hey,” I greeted, my voice a notch higher than usual. “What are you doing here?”
“Came to take you home.”
“You didn’t have to do that,” I said, walking over to kiss the top of his head. “But I’m glad you did.”
“Are you ready to leave?”
“Yeah. I’ll just grab my stuff.”
I walked through to the set where I dumped my bag this morning. It had an extra change of clothes inside because I planned to shower before I left but now Ryder was here I figured I’d just do it when we got back to his place. Meeting him in the hall, I followed him down to his car. We didn’t talk much while he drove, but after a minute or two I rested my palm on top of his thigh, my heart beating a little faster when he briefly looked down at it and smiled. My groin ached, my head swam…but I would wait. I’d wait forever if I had to. I would wait until he was ready, body and mind.
As planned, I jumped straight in the shower when we arrived, sighing contentedly as the itchy sand between my toes slipped away down the drain. For me, today had been a positive day and once I was clean and dry, ready to spend my evening with Ryder, I only hoped his had been the same.
It was an exceptionally warm evening so instead of slouching in front of the TV, we ordered Chinese food and ate it outside on the small balcony. We’d never done this before – sat and watched the world go by below us. It felt quite grounding. It brought a certain sense of peace knowing that whatever was going on in our heads the world still moved forward as normal.
“Did you see Elle today?” I asked casually, not wanting him to feel the need to tell me what they spoke about. If he told me, I wanted it to be because he wanted me to know.
“Yeah. I feel like I’ve really let her down.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“That’s what she said,” Ryder replied with a short laugh. “But I promised I’d always talk to her if things ever got bad again and I didn’t. Which is why I’m now regretting telling you I’d try and open up, because the reality is, I probably won’t.”
“You promised to try. I’ve been in dark places, Ry. I know what it’s like to feel fucked in the head. To feel alone. To want to be alone. Just know, I don’t expect anything from you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I breathed, closing my eyes while I gathered my thoughts. “When my mom died, I kinda fell apart. I didn’t have anyone. I couldn’t find my dad, I had no friends – not real ones anyway, no money, no job, soon to be no home after I fell behind with her medical bills…” I trailed off, forcing down the lump in my throat that was stopping the words from escaping. “I…I tried to kill myself, Ryder.”
“You… I mean… holy shit, Mason.” He gasped, dragging in a long gulp of air. “I…how?”
“Pills. There were a ton of my mom’s meds lying around the house. I didn’t do it on a whim. I thought about it. I planned it. I wanted it.”
Holy fuck I couldn’t believe I was admitting this to him. The shame bit into my stomach, making my pulse race and I wondered if this was how he felt when he told me about the night he was raped. In my mind, ‘I’ deserved to feel embarrassed, unlike Ryder. I chose to end my life, he had no say in what happened to him.
“And I feel so fucking selfish saying that because I’ve never experienced anything even close to what you have.”
“It’s all relative, Mase. Nobody chooses to feel like that and no one’s pain should be compared to another. It doesn’t matter what put it there, that pain was yours. It owned you.”
