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“He loves me.”
“Duh.”
“No, I mean, he said it. For the first time.”
“And what did you say when he said I love you?”
“Uh. Nothing.”
“Wow, son.”
“I—no, I mean, he didn’t really pause after that. It was kind of part of his whole…rant about wanting to quit the band.”
“Lord have mercy, you absolute horse’s ass. So, he said I love you and you dismissed it because of other stuff, so not only did you not say it back, but then you got into a huge fight, you freaked, and then you ran away.”
Fuck my life.
“Um. I suppose it could be summarized like that.”
“Caleb.” Rhys’s voice was the one he used when someone’s behavior pained him so much he couldn’t express it, so I cut him off before he could call me a horse’s ass again.
“Look, Rhys, this is always what was gonna happen, you know? It was—”
Rhys snorted. “This? This, meaning a rock star falling in love with you and then confessing to you that as a result of hating being a rock star, he wants to quit one of the best rock bands to come out in the last five years? That was always gonna happen. Man, I forgot that you’re totally psychic. Sorry, what’s the spread on tomorrow’s game gonna be, ’cause Matty wants to go on vacation to Croatia.”
“Screw you, I— Wait, why Croatia?”
He threw his hands up.
“Speak now or forever hold your fuckin’ peace, Whitman, okay? What the shit is wrong with you?”
Rhys’s eyes were so familiar that looking at him was almost like looking in a mirror. He was here for me, I knew it. Whatever I said, he’d hang.
After Theo and I had performed our song in New Orleans, I’d watched Riven’s set from the wings. Though I’d seen a hundred videos of Theo performing on YouTube, it was the only time I’d ever seen him live. And he blew me away. There were performers with amazing voices, and performers with great stage presence, performers who could wrap a crowd around their finger, and performers who loved to sing even if the crowd wasn’t with them. Theo was all of these and more. His voice rang out clear, rich, resonant, then gravelly in the lower register, high notes as sharp and cutting as glass.
It wasn’t just his voice, it was everything. He connected with the crowd even as he made it clear he was there for himself, he was sexy as fuck but it looked natural, just an excess of desire for the music leaking out into the crowd.
I watched him with awe, and only realized I was holding my breath through every song when I finally let it out. Because what I saw was pure joy. The pure joy of someone doing what he was meant to do. And even though I knew he wasn’t happy with how he had to do it, to take it away from him felt like a crime.
“I can’t let him give up his whole life and then have nothing but me, because…”
“Because,” Rhys prompted.
“Because if all he has is me then he doesn’t have shit!”
“Oh, babe.” Rhys’s eyes went soft, his voice was sadness and sympathy, and his hands on my shoulders heavy.
“Don’t,” I muttered, because Matty didn’t like to hear Rhys call me that.
“Caleb. Fucking look at me. Two things—three things. Number one. Just because he wants to quit the band doesn’t mean he’s just gonna lie around the house all day wanting to express his undying devotion to you.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Number two. It’s not your place to let him do anything. You ain’t his manager, and you ain’t his daddy. This isn’t your choice. Accept the things you can’t change, right?”
“Do not quote AA to me, you absolute fucker.”
“Number three. And this is the important one, so I’m saying it last, for emphasis and shit.” He backed me against the counter and looked at me, eyes utterly serious. “Loving and being loved by you is a fucking honor. It isn’t nothing. You aren’t nothing. There isn’t anything you can say to me that would make me change my mind about that. Do you hear me?”
I opened my mouth, and all that came out was a sob. Rhys caught me in a fierce hug and I bawled my fucking eyes out. Couldn’t stop. Finally, I pulled away enough to speak.
“I fucked things up between you and me,” I said. “I fucked up every relationship I ever had.”
Rhys pressed his fingers to my lips.
“You fucked those relationships up because you were on drugs, Caleb. Plain and simple. You were then, and now you’re not. The end.”
And the thing that kind of broke my heart was that, to Rhys, it really was that simple.
I didn’t know how to explain it to him. The feeling of not being able to trust myself. The possibility that I was the quicksand someone else could slowly drown in. The gut-twisting terror that just by loving them, I might be condemning them to being ruined by me.
