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“I . . . she was my friend. Mine and Grin’s. I woke up on Sunday, and I knew she was dead and now at her funeral I thought maybe I wouldn’t even miss her all that much cuz that’s just what happens is every single thing that holds us together and makes us care about each other just disintegrates and we’re not attached to anything, just specks flying around and bumping into each other and then drifting away.”
I wasn’t listening to myself. I had my head between my knees, crouched next to the bench, and I kept almost dropping my phone. My fingers felt oddly numb. Rhys was talking but I couldn’t make any sense of the words and then he was saying my name over and over.
“Sorry, what?”
“Matty, I need you to take a breath.” I took a breath. “Another one.” I took another one. “Can you hear me?”
I nodded, realized he couldn’t see me, and said, “Uh huh.”
“Okay, listen. I want you to grab a cab. Get in the cab, and take it home.”
My head spun. Home home home. I couldn’t think where that was. It was easier to take the subway from Brooklyn. But, no, home wasn’t my apartment. Not any of them. Not anymore.
“To Sleepy Hollow?”
Rhys paused. “Yeah, babe. Give them our address in Sleepy Hollow. You . . . you remember it?”
I knew our address but . . . “It’s so expensive.”
“It doesn’t matter. Do you have your credit card?”
I patted my pocket for my wallet.
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Go home, baby. I’m going to see you really soon.”
I blinked. “You are?” Had I lost track of the days again? It was still a few days until he came home, I was pretty sure.
“Yeah. Do you want me to stay on the phone while you get the cab and ride home?”
“No, I’m okay. Wait, but you’re not coming home until Saturday, right?”
“I’m gonna come home tonight.” It was his don’t bother arguing voice.
“No, no, Rhys. Don’t you have a show tonight?” I thought he did. Then they were driving home Friday and . . . was there a show Friday night? I wasn’t sure.
“I’m coming home tonight,” he said again.
I felt sick and my mind raced with regret and shame. I shouldn’t have called him. I was ruining everything. This was Rhys’s big chance for everything he wanted, and I was fucking it up for him. I wanted to throw up.
I sucked in a huge breath and used it to make my voice very okay. Very firm. “You can’t miss your shows. People are counting on you. They paid for their tickets, and they’d be so disappointed not to see you.”
“You’re counting on me, and you’re the only one I care about disappointing,” he said, anger leeching into his voice. I knew what I had to say.
“Well, you’ll disappoint me if you cut your tour short because I had a bad day, okay? I’m an adult, I can take care of myself. I’ll be fine. Seriously. I just . . . I just freaked a little but I’m fine.”
I could feel his hesitation. He wanted to do the scheduled shows. Rhys was responsible, dependable. He hated to let people down.
“Seriously,” I said again. “I’m . . . I’m embarrassed I got so upset. Don’t make it a bigger deal than it is, okay?”
“I . . . I think I should come home.”
“Nah, come on. I’ll see you Saturday. Okay? I can’t wait to see you and hear all about this leg of the tour.” I needed a final nail in the coffin—no offense, Sid. “Besides, I’ve got a ton of clients tomorrow, and I’ll have to catch up from leaving early today, so I’ve gotta work late anyway, probably.”
“Matt. Are you sure you’re okay?”
I had him, but I couldn’t oversell or he’d know.
“Yeah. I’m . . . I miss you a lot, and I guess the funeral just kind of freaked me out. I’ve never been to one before. But I’ll be all right. I’m gonna go home like you said.”
“Okay,” he waffled. His voice sounded small and afraid. “Babe, you would tell me, wouldn’t you? Nothing is more important to me than you. Not this tour, not this album, nothing. If you need me, I’m there, no matter what.”
Tears streamed down my face. I’d never wanted anything more than I wanted him in that moment. But it was pointless. I’d see him soon and he’d finish the tour, win-win.
“Thank you,” I choked out. “I mean, I know, but it’s okay.”
“I love you so much, Matty. And I’m sorry if I was short with you last night. I guess I’m a little stressed out too. Tell me you know how much I love you?”
“I know that. I’m sorry too. And I love you too, so much. I’ll see you Saturday.”
