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The more uncertain he seemed, the more I needed to be reminded of what we had. I wanted him to hold me down and show me who I was. That I was his. But he touched me with too-gentle fingers, like I was something elusive and breakable.
On Friday night Rhys called as I was getting home to say he was at Caleb’s and they’d been working on a song, and I should come over to their house for dinner. But I wasn’t sure how I’d get there since he had the truck, and I said I was tired from work. Rhys said he’d be home later and I hung up the phone with his absence echoing through my bones.
He was gone again.
You cannot be this weak, I told myself. You can’t feel this way. Because if you’re not okay being alone anymore, then what will you do the next time he leaves?
I shoved the question down deep in my gut as the sun set and pulled the blanket onto the couch. I’d only meant to watch TV for a while, but I must’ve fallen asleep because I woke to Rhys’s hand on my cheek.
“Hi,” I said sleepily, reaching for him.
“Hi, baby,” he said and kissed me. I could taste ketchup on his lips and knew Caleb must have cooked hash. I wound my arms around his neck and held him to me.
“Want to come to bed?”
I nodded and let him pull me to my feet.
“What’s up with the couch?” he asked gently.
“Nothing. Just fell asleep.”
Rhys turned me in his arms and looked at me closely.
“Were you sleeping there when I was away?”
“Sometimes,” I muttered.
Rhys ran his thumb over my cheekbone. “How come, babe?”
“Cuz I missed you and the bed was sad without you.”
That look—that tender, possessive look—made my heart beat faster.
“Come to bed, Matty. It’s not sad now, right?”
I shook my head. Rhys looked tired.
In our bed, Rhys kissed me, hands running up and down my ribs and back like he was worried if he wasn’t touching me I would disappear. I worried about the same thing.
I ground my hips into his, thrilling at the press of his hard flesh against my own. His hand was in my hair and I bit at his neck to feel him rear against me. I didn’t know what I was doing. I bit him again and his eyes were surprised, but heated. His erection was steel against mine.
I swallowed hard and he grabbed my ass and squeezed. I shuddered at the delicious force.
“Make me,” I breathed and something flickered in his eyes. I didn’t know what I wanted, exactly.
Make me come, make me do what you want, make me stay here with you. Make me.
Rhys wrapped a rough hand around my cock and tightened the other in my hair, and jerked me off with hard, searing pulls. I cried out and buried my face in his neck, trying to reach his erection and failing.
He aligned our hips, his back bowed, and jerked us together, his lips hovering a breath from mine. I thrust hard and he held me down at the hip and I wrapped a hand around his. I could feel where his cock pressed into mine, heat against heat, and I let his hand set our pace, wild with desperation and need for something I couldn’t name.
When Rhys came with a shout, his lips parted and his eyes squeezed shut, I felt like I slammed back into my body. This was Rhys, my Rhys. I pulled him to me and felt his strong shoulders tremble as he said my name.
Then he was kissing me, and his come slicked the way for my own. He pulled my orgasm from me in white-hot flashes that left me clutching him.
Rhys said my name again and gathered me to him, and I thought the trembling in his arms lasted longer than it usually did after he came. I fell asleep with him still stroking a hand through my hair.
I came awake thrashing in the dark. Something was holding me down, and I pushed at it hard, fighting blindly.
“Matty!”
I rolled off the bed and nearly knocked over the lamp. I was breathing hard and the dream clawed at me. The open grave, Rhys standing above me, face composed in an expression of utter neutrality so gutting that when the dirt hit my open eyes I was glad for it to be blocked out. Another shovelful. Another. Rhys’s distant voice asking about the weather.
I ran into the bathroom, slammed the door, and threw up.
I must’ve only been asleep for an hour or so because it was still full dark out. I brushed my teeth until the toothpaste foamed pink.
Rhys stood at the door when I opened it, and he looked stricken.
“Are you okay?” He reached a hand out to me, from the darkness into the light of the bathroom. I nodded.
