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The soft protest he made when our lips parted would have to be enough for now, as would his hand tightening on my T-shirt before he let go and stood flat-footed again. He looked up at me, eyes heavy-lidded with desire, mouth soft and plump. I pressed my thumb to the center of his lower lip, almost surprised when his flesh didn’t give like a ripe berry. His eyelids fluttered shut, and he wrapped his arms around me in a hug once more.
The problem with feeling so much pleasure, so much joy, so much contentment—with feeling so much, period—after so long spent feeling very little was that I instantly craved more of it. It frightened me how much I wanted him.
Fear is the mind-killer, I told myself. I took a deep breath and tried to let the fear go.
“Will you get home okay?” I asked, needing to do something. “Want me to walk you to the subway? You need cab fare? Here, I should walk—”
“Shh, no, I’m fine,” he said. He stood on his tiptoes one more time and clumsily kissed my cheek. It landed more on my chin, and Felix screwed up his nose in a way I was coming to love.
“Too tall,” he said. I nodded, and a strange expression crossed his face. Then he said, “No, you’re not. You’re just right.”
It sounded like something out of a children’s book, or a group affirmation—and God knew I’d heard enough of those. But he seemed perfectly serious. Sincere in his concern that he might have hurt me.
I bent down and gave him a proper kiss on the cheek.
“You’re real sweet, Felix,” I said in his ear. “Get home safe.”
The smile he shot me over his shoulder as he walked out into the night stayed with me for a long time.
Chapter 4
Felix
On Wednesday, I sat on the steps of the Museum of Natural History, listening to my audiobook as I waited for Dane.
The morning after our date, I’d been a giddy mess at work, spilling coffee and fumbling bagels, too distracted by running the name Dane through my mind to pay attention to motor control.
I hadn’t been able to play it cool. I’d texted Dane, Hi :) Wanna go out with me again? and then, cringing, immediately gotten into the shower so I couldn’t agonize over his response.
Now, I took a picture of myself with the museum in the background and sent it to my mom, saying, Look, educational programming! <3
After a few minutes she wrote back, Have fun honey. Learn lots!
My mom was endlessly curious, and she was constantly after us to pay attention in school and seek out knowledge the way she had always wanted to but rarely had time for. When I was younger, before Adrian, Ramona, and Lucas were born, my mom would narrate for me everything she was doing. In that way, I learned to change Lucas’s diapers, basic kitchen skills, directions, and whatever other tidbits she decided to impart.
Though I’d known she liked to learn, I’d never really thought about what it meant that she’d had me when she was nineteen. When I asked her if she’d wanted to go to college, she’d waved the question away. But the day Sofia announced she’d gotten into Fordham, I saw my mom’s mask crack and envy peek through.
I’d never been as into school as my mom or Sofia. I liked reading and I was interested in some of the subjects, but I didn’t have the attention span for hard-core studying and the things they taught us seemed so arbitrary. I preferred to sneak my earbuds in during class, daydream, and then learn stuff on my own—I’d always learned better when I could see and touch things. But I loved museums.
I put my phone away just in time to see Dane striding toward me, long, powerful legs eating up the distance between us. His shoulders were impossibly broad, thick muscles emphasizing their breadth, and his torso was solid muscle beneath a plain red T-shirt.
He was all flashing eyes, dark brows, tight jaw, and stern mouth. But I knew how kind those eyes could look. I knew how soft and sweet those unsmiling lips felt on mine. How gentle his hands could be despite all that strength.
“Hi!”
I stood, bouncing on the balls of my feet as Dane took the steps two at a time.
“Hey.” And he smiled at me. A full-on teeth-showing smile. The first one, and it made me giddy. His eyeteeth were sharp.
I stopped him on the step below me.
“Can I kiss you hello?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said, and the second it was out of his mouth, I reached for him, wanting to feel the smile still on his lips. With several inches difference in our heights, this time I cupped his jaw as I kissed him. I could feel his surprised inhale and I slung my arms around his neck and kissed him again.
