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“Do?”
“Yeah. Are you gonna tell him?”
“I…I guess I have to at some point?”
“Well, either that or you could perish of longing.”
I flicked her nose.
“Does he love you too?”
Did Dane Hughes love me? It seemed like a question for a Magic 8 Ball or a flower with an unknown number of petals.
He was so hard to read. Sometimes he couldn’t seem to keep his hands off me. Other times I got the feeling he wasn’t letting himself touch me. He’d invited me into his home by giving me the diorama table, but there was still a distance between us. Still things I knew he wasn’t telling me. He was so self-contained that sometimes it seemed impossible even to speak to him. It still intimidated me a little; it made me feel like his life was complete without me. So did the fact that he hewed so strictly to his routine, when I would happily cancel any plans to get to see him.
But the other night…
He had come to me. He’d sought me out when he felt messed up, and there had been a need in him that had screamed through his fingertips. A need for me. That was what I wanted: for both of us to find comfort in each other. He’d fallen asleep right away but I’d lain awake for a while, listening to him take harsh, shuddering breaths as he dreamt about something I couldn’t imagine. In his sleep he’d clutched me to him, fingers seeking my hair and my skin.
“I…don’t know. Maybe he could? Someday? I don’t know.”
Sofia grinned and bumped me encouragingly with her shoulder. Then she bounced into the kitchen, leaving me a warm puddle on the couch, and brought the chips and salsa and the bag of marshmallows from the kitchen.
“Do you wanna know a secret? But an actual secret, not like yours, which wasn’t a secret at all because everything you feel is basically readable on your face at all times.”
A small, mean voice said: I’m better at hiding my feelings than you know, since I’ve spent the last few months feeling abandoned and missing you and you never knew it.
Instead I said, “Hey, it’s a secret because no one else knows it!”
“Fine. Well, mine’s a secret because no one else can know. Okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.”
She fixed me with the intense stare that used to mean Tell Mom and you’re dead. Now I guessed it meant Alert the media and you’re dead. How times had changed.
“I’m kinda dating Coco.”
“Holy shit, Coco Swift?!”
She dead-eyed me. “No, cocoa powder. Of course Coco Swift! The fuck other Cocos do you know?”
“Well, excuse me for not immediately being like ‘Oh, obviously, you’re dating rock star Coco Swift!’?”
Her eyes went all soft and dreamy.
“Well, I am.”
“So, um. When you’ve been staying the night with her, you’re like…Are you serious?”
“Yeah, kinda. I mean, we’re leaving it open ’cuz dating someone in your band has disaster written all over it. But…” She shrugged. “She’s pretty great.”
I mustered a smile, though I was definitely shocked.
“Damn. She’s gorgeous. And an amazing guitar player. And intimidating as hell. Well done.”
“I know, right?”
Sofia made a mock swoony gesture that I thought might not be mocking at all.
“Wow.”
We sat there, facing each other on our twenty-dollar couch, knees touching, marshmallow powder on our fingers.
“Everything’s different now,” I said.
We reached for each other and clasped hands the way we had as frightened children.
“Everything’s different now,” Sofia agreed.
* * *
—
“Hi,” Dane said. “I’m…calling you.”
I grinned. He was so damn cute.
“Thanks for listening,” I told him. “It’s really nice. That you called. How are you? How was your day? What are you doing right now?”
“Talking to you.”
I laughed, then realized he wasn’t kidding. He hadn’t called me while he was walking or doing an errand or cooking. He’d just…called me.
I shivered with happiness.
“Sofia get on the road okay?”
“Yeah. She left yesterday morning. They had some kind of festival thing that the label set up first, then the first show of the tour is tonight. She was a little freaked about all the shit people are talking about her online. Like, probably people wouldn’t have liked whatever new singer Riven got that wasn’t Theo. But because she’s a woman, people are being predictably disgusting about it.”
“Sucks,” Dane grunted. “Theo never looked online for that reason.”
“Probably smart. I think Sof’s too excited and it’s all too new for her to resist yet. Plus, some people are super excited about her. So that’s nice.”
“How are you doing with her leaving?”
I sighed and allowed myself to indulge in feeling sorry for myself. It was easier and less sad when someone else was listening.
“I can’t believe she’s gone. The apartment feels so big without her. Well. Okay, not big.”
Dane snorted in amusement.
“But you know what I mean. Empty.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“Yeah.”
The silence stretched between us.
