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Oh fuck. I didn’t even think about it. Rex already told me he hates violence. He told me about his lover who was beaten to death. When I asked him if I could teach Leo to fight, he hesitated. I thought he was confused about why Leo needed to learn, but of course he didn’t want to watch it happen; he was just too generous to say so. He told me. He told me in so many different ways that violence upsets him and I didn’t even think about it. God, all I had to do was mention the Internet once and Rex got it installed in his own house just so I could use it. He comes right out and tells me about how traumatized he was by violence and I just invite Leo over and start fighting with Will right in front of Rex. I am such an asshole. How could I be so oblivious?
“Rex, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think—I should never have done this here. Fuck, I’m sorry.”
I slide my palms up his chest and squeeze his shoulders, feeling them relax a little bit.
“I just….” Rex shakes his head and his fingers trace my throat and my nose and my ears, all the places Will touched me. I put my arms around him and pull him into a hug, stroking his back. His heart is pounding but he relaxes a bit more, burying his face in my neck.
“It’s just,” Rex starts again, his voice broken, “when I saw him on top of you, all I could think of was how I couldn’t get to Jamie. How if I had just been stronger. Or if someone had taught me to fight like you’re teaching Leo. Maybe I could have saved him. But they fucking killed him and I didn’t—” His voice gives out until it’s just breath against my neck.
“Rex,” I say, hugging his trembling body closer to me. “There were three guys with a weapon. Even if you’d been stronger or known how to fight… man, there was nothing you could’ve done. And you probably would’ve gotten yourself killed trying.”
I push Rex down onto one of the stools next to the counter.
“But maybe if I’d known how to fight better—”
“Have you been in a fight besides that day?” I ask gently, pulling up the other stool and sitting across from him.
He shakes his head. I’m not surprised. The only people who would take on someone as big and strong as Rex would be on drugs or wasted, and I doubt Rex is even around those kinds of people. After all, that was his goal in bulking up. It seems like it worked.
“It all happens so fast you barely even notice what’s going on. I can’t even really explain it, but adrenaline kicks in and everything is a blur. And you do whatever you need to do to make the other person hurt worse than he can hurt you. And you do it as fast as you can, because once that adrenaline wears off, it really, really hurts.” I squeeze Rex’s thighs between my knees. “Maybe, maybe, if you had been training for years, you could have taken on three guys, if they were crap fighters and waited to take turns going at you. But three on one? And all bigger than you? Out in the open?” I shake my head. “All one of them would’ve had to do is hit you in the head with that stick while you were fighting with one of the others and you would’ve been out.” I take his hands in mine. “What happened to you and Jamie is horrible. But I’m so glad you didn’t throw yourself into that and end up dead when it probably wouldn’t have made any difference.”
Tears are running down Rex’s face even though his expression hasn’t changed. He pulls me up so I’m standing between his knees and squeezes me tight, his face against my chest.
“I hate,” he says venomously, “that you’ve been in enough fights to know that. But thank you.” He rests his chin on my chest and looks up at me. It’s strange to feel taller than him, but I take advantage of it and lean down to kiss him. I can taste salt on his lips, but his mouth is warm and he kisses me so sweetly. He pulls me down to straddle his lap and runs his thumbs over my cheekbones.
“I hate that you know all that stuff you were showing Leo, too,” he says, “but I could tell you’re a good teacher watching you show him.”
“Yeah?”
“You explain things well. And you tied each new thing into something he already knew how to do. When he couldn’t balance, you put him on his skateboard where you knew he could. So smart.” His expression is heated and he kisses me again. “I love how smart you are.” I laugh, putting my arms around his neck.
