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“’Kay, in a minute, but seriously.”
Will groaned. “Seriously, what? What more do you want me to say?”
My first thought was that I knew exactly what I wanted him to say. The three words that I’d let loose like hellhounds a few minutes before and that Will had barely even seemed to register. But if I thought about it—really thought about it….
“I want you to say whatever you’re thinking. For real, though.”
I pushed myself off Will, and he winced when I accidentally elbowed him in the ribs. He ran a hand through his hair and threw his head back, addressing his words to the ceiling.
“Look, I don’t have a lot of answers here, okay? I am very aware that I’m not the easiest person to be around sometimes, and you’re… well, you’re not exactly a paragon of experience yourself. And I reserve the right to find other people desirable. And to, like, renegotiate shit down the line.”
“Okay, great, fine, and I reserve the right to maybe want only you and for you to not act like that’s me lying to myself.”
Will nodded, though I could tell this part made him uncomfortable. That he couldn’t believe someone could want only him.
“Okaaaay,” I said, “so we’ve established that neither of us knows what we’re doing, so we both just have to trust that we know what we want right now and that what we want might change?”
“I… guess so?”
“So are we… together?”
Will rolled his eyes so hard I was surprised he didn’t have an aneurysm. “What, you want to update your Facebook status?”
“I don’t even have Facebook, you fucker.” I shoved at Will’s shoulder. “But like… just say I did, what would I be updating my status to?”
“It’s complicated,” Will mocked in a singsongy voice. I elbowed him. “How about ‘Leo is now in a relationship with Thai Food’?”
“Huh, you totally have Facebook, don’t you?”
“Whatever, Claire set it up for me a hundred years ago.”
“Wiiiiill,” I whined.
“Leooooo,” he whined back.
I climbed on top of him again, snaking my hand down his pants. “Well, you should be happy, anyway. This was, like, the absolute least romantic getting-together moment of all time. I should just go offer myself to Viggo Mortensen,” I told him, kissing his jaw. “He’d totally update his Facebook profile to include me.”
Will groaned like maybe the thought of me with Viggo Mortensen was kind of doing it for him, and arched up underneath me. I leaned down slowly, loving the way he tilted his chin up so our mouths met, like his lips were just waiting for mine. I put a hand on either side of his face, holding him still. His golden lashes fluttered open, and his brows drew together.
“Why did you do it?” I asked him slowly. His brow wrinkled in confusion. “In Holiday. Why did you really kiss me?”
Will pushed me off so he could sit up.
“I shouldn’t have,” he said so softly I could barely hear him.
I sighed.
“I didn’t say I didn’t want to,” he muttered.
I pulled him to look at me, willing him to give me something.
“Look, I don’t have a good answer for you, Leo.”
“Just tell me the truth.”
“You were honest and sweet and infuriatingly hot, and I wanted you to want me. It seemed like if someone like you could like me, then maybe it would mean I was worth liking.”
I gaped at him.
“That morning, I was packing my stuff up at Claire’s and she was upset that I was leaving, even though I’d been telling her for days, and I was too tired to get into it with her. She said, ‘You make it so easy for people to hate you. It’s the only thing you never fight about.’ I just… I wanted you be different. I wanted you to like me, okay? And that was the only way I could think to do it. And then when I kissed you—” He shook his head sharply. “I knew I’d made a big mistake.”
My stomach sank a little at that, even after all these months and everything that had happened between us since then. When he spoke again, his voice was rough.
“Because I was the one who ended up wanting you.”
He looked down, and I couldn’t quite catch my breath.
“You promised,” he said, still looking down. I bit my lip as guilt washed through me again. “You promised that when you found out I wasn’t the… the fantasy you wanted that I wouldn’t lose my best friend. But I did. The thing is… I knew I would. I knew it would all go to shit and I would lose you and I would miss you and it would suck, and I did it fucking anyway. Because I wanted you. I didn’t know how exactly, but I just… I wanted you, Leo. I always wanted you.”
