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Not even my kids.
Not today.
Today Linc could step up again, like he had the last few days.
I shut myself in the bathroom, stripped, and stood under the shower. Closing my eyes, I let the water cascade down my face. It soothed me a little. A momentary reprieve. No thoughts. Just me and the water and silence.
I don’t know how long I stood there. It wasn’t until Linc came in, held out my towel, and said, “Lil, you’ve been in here long enough. The kids need the bathroom,” that I joined the world again.
He should not be in here.
I turned off the shower and stepped out, ignoring the way his gaze dropped to my naked body.
I allowed him to dry me off and wrap the towel around me.
I let him comb my hair.
All the wrong things.
I didn’t have the energy to argue over any of it.
My mind drifted to King again.
I’d known the man just shy of three weeks. He should not have been a thought I so easily chased. Memories of his face, his eyes, his hands… they should not have crashed into me so effortlessly.
And yet, they did.
They pummelled me.
I wanted him to make me coffee. Argue with my mother over her tea. Tell me I’d been in the shower too long. I wanted his hands drying me off. Wrapping the towel around me.
I wanted King to be the one who was here for me.
But he wasn’t.
And I didn’t have Brynny to help me through this.
All I had was Linc.
So I let him do all those wrong things.
And avoided thinking about the way he looked at me. Because when the only energy I had was barely enough to get me through moment to moment, I had none to think about the fact my ex was likely misreading everything and making plans to move back into my life.
Linc dropped Mum and me off at the hospital after he took the kids to school, on his way to work. If I wasn’t so wrapped up in myself, I would have cheered over the fact he’d found a steady job. As it was, I only just noticed a car that pulled out of a parking spot abruptly, almost knocking me over. Everything happened in a blur. Mum pulled me towards the footpath, away from the car before I was hurt. After, we stood in shock staring at each other until she wrapped her arms around me and cried.
We stayed like that for a long few minutes, shedding tears we didn’t know we still had in us. It seemed tears lived deep inside, in limitless quantities.
By the time we stepped off the lift near the intensive care unit, Mum’s face showed how close she was to shattering. I wasn’t convinced she’d be able to sit here for another day, watching tubes and machines and doctors and nurses helping my sister fight for her life. Two days of this had revealed the desperation that long days filled with nothing but silence and beeps from those machines caused. I’d sat by Brynn’s side, teeth chattering from the frigid air, heart aching with pain from sadness and uncertainty, and I’d prayed like I’d never prayed even though I didn’t believe in praying anymore. I’d made God promises I wasn’t sure I could keep. And even when there were no tears streaming down my face, they drowned my soul.
I can’t lose her.
A new wave of agony washed over me as we approached the unit. It knocked the breath from me, and I grabbed at the railing on the wall to hold myself up. The world spun, and black dots stole my vision.
I can’t do this.
I can’t do life without her.
Oh God.
