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She contemplates that. When she speaks, there’s sadness in her words. “You are stuck, Luke. I can see that.” She lets my hand go and makes her way back inside.
My heart beats a little faster in my chest. She’s never walked away from a conversation before. As much as I wanted some space and a minute to myself, I didn’t want her to leave.
Fuck.
25
Callie
“So what happened after that?” Avery asks on Sunday night when we’re out celebrating. The music in the club almost drowns out our conversation but I can just hear her. It’s busy; if I didn’t know better I’d think it was a Saturday night.
“He spent about half an hour outside by himself. The rest of us sat around the dining table listening to his mother talk about her man. When he finally came in, it was really awkward between us for a while. Like, I’m talking a couple of hours. Everyone left, including Paris. Sean had a sleep while Luke and I sat on the couch watching TV in silence.”
She pulls a face. “Oh, God, it
sounds awful.”
“It was. Eventually, he started talking about the documentary we were watching and we just went from there, but it feels like there’s this distance between us now.” I slump against the table. “I hate it. I kinda wish I hadn’t said anything.”
She drinks the rest of the cocktail in front of her and shakes her head. “No, you had to say it, Callie. You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t tell the truth as you see it. And besides, I think you’re right.”
“Yeah, but he’s clearly not ready to hear it.” I drain my glass, too, and hold it up. “We need more.”
She laughs. “We do! I’ll be back.”
She leaves to get more drinks and I contemplate where Luke and I are. He was so distant this afternoon, but he made it clear he wanted me in his bed tonight, so at least there was that. I wish I were the kind of person who could just let this go, but I’m not. I want Luke to face his demons. I want him to let them go. And I know I’m going to push him to do that, which is what concerns me the most. Will we survive me doing that?
Avery returns and passes me a Long Island Iced Tea. We’ve been drinking them all night and I’m beginning to feel their effect.
“So, what’s the plan from here?” she asks.
“I’ll probably fuck up what we’ve got. That’s the plan.”
“Babe, Luke knows better than anyone who you are. He knows how stubborn you are and how you pursue something when you believe in it. He’s chosen to be with you regardless, so I think you need to give him some credit here and expect him to be ready for what you’re going to bring to this relationship.”
“You make a good point.” I take a long gulp of my drink. “I just hope you’re right because I’ve fallen in love with the man, and I might just die if he decides he doesn’t want me in his life.”
Her eyes widen with glee. “You have? Have you told him?”
“No, it’s only been a month. It feels too soon to tell him.”
“I don’t agree. I believe that when you know, you know.”
“Yeah, I do, too, but I don’t want to scare him away by declaring my love for him if he’s not ready to hear it.”
“If he’s scared away by that, then he’s not the man I think he is. I think you should tell him.”
Anxiety consumes my insides. I’m feeling so much anxiety tonight over so many little things. I’m actually irritated by myself. I gulp more of my cocktail. “God, why is this shit so hard? I just wanted love and I wanted it to be easier than this.”
“Yeah, don’t we all? But, would you give Luke up for an easier man who had no baggage?”
My heart constricts at the thought of giving Luke up. “God, no.” Disappointment flares also as I think about his thoughts on marriage. I’ve been going over it since he told us, finding it hard to forget what he said. I’ve always wanted to get married, so to have fallen in love with a man who seems so against it makes me sad. I can only hope he changes his mind in the future.
She raises her glass. “Drink up, babe. As much as you’re a mess of stress, you have a lot to celebrate. A good man, a career that’s taking off, and me.” She grins. “You’ll never get rid of me.”
I clink my glass against hers. “And you’ll never get rid of me.” After we both take a drink, I say, “How’s your Dad? And your sisters?”
“He’s doing okay. And Helena and Beth seem to be doing better. I got Helena to start seeing her shrink again. She’d stopped and I didn’t realise. And I’ve almost got Beth to the point of agreeing to start seeing someone, too. I’m just taking the chance to catch my breath before the next crisis comes up.” She pauses and her eyes bore into mine when she adds, “For once I’d just like a stretch of months for myself with no fires to put out. You know?”
