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It’s been too long to endure any of this. She doesn’t understand she’s playing with fire.
I rip open the condom and start to unroll it onto myself, working it down all the way while Raelynn watches with rapt attention.
“Lie back,” I say, pressing a kiss to her forehead before gently pushing her shoulder until she’s flat on the seat again.
I move over her, eclipsing the night sky and the overhead light so she’s shadowed in darkness. I still see enough of her though, her eyes meeting mine, so trusting and open. Her hands come up to curve around my neck and she nods, over and over again, a silent consent for me to start pressing into her. I go so slow I worry I’m going to die in the process, but she’s small and tight and I don’t want to hurt her. Another inch and her eyes pinch closed. More and she takes her bottom lip between her teeth to keep from crying out. It’s so hard to stay in control. It feels like this is all she can take, and I’m not nearly all the way in.
“Please don’t stop,” she whispers.
I rock my hips a little more, press farther in. Maybe I don’t understand what I’m feeling. Something isn’t right though, but I don’t realize until I rock in another inch and she cries out in pain.
I wince before I can help it, and she sees. She fucking sees, and I know it breaks her heart.
“Birdie…”
I start to pull out and she grabs my shoulders, squeezing, her imploring gaze impossible to turn away from.
“Please don’t. Please.”
Still, I pull out and sit up, dragging a hand through my hair, trying to piece together how I could have failed to realize Raelynn was still a virgin.
She sits up and closes her legs shyly, resting her head on her knees.
“I’m sorry.”
She squeezes her eyes closed as if I’ve just somehow wounded her even more by apologizing. Then she groans in annoyance. “Please don’t. It’s not what you think. I wasn’t waiting for any particular reason. I wasn’t saving myself for some narrow-minded view of purity and virginity. I don’t have this ‘true love waits’ attachment to the concept of sex, okay? Honestly, it’s just life hasn’t given me a ton of time for romance and relationships.”
“I understand. Believe me.”
She gathers the courage to look up at me, keeping her chin resting on her knees. “Sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m just…I didn’t want to make a big fuss about it.”
I reach out to stroke her cheek, and she leans into my touch like a cat hungry for affection.
“I should have asked.”
“I should have said something.”
“I’m sorry.”
Her face falls. “Don’t apologize,” she says gently. “I don’t want you assuming you know how I feel. Everyone says the first time has to be this special thing with rose petals and candles, but maybe this is exactly what I wanted. Maybe this is better than all of that.”
This is Raelynn wearing her heart on her sleeve. She sits in the back seat of my SUV naked with her blonde hair spilling down around her shoulders. Her blue eyes stare up at me, heavy and sad, and all I want to do is make her smile, make her feel as good as she felt a second ago.
Maybe we should pause here for the night and pick this up another time, but she’s been so honest, so forthright with everything she wants, and my desire for her wins out. The need to lean over and kiss Raelynn wins, to accept her words at face value and give her what she’s asking for. She’s right, after all. I lost my virginity at fifteen on a couch while crappy daytime TV played in the background. It was awkward and clumsy and nothing like this. Miles away from how it feels to gently press Raelynn back down onto the back seat and kiss her slowly, to let my weight drop down onto her and feel our bodies press together again. I yank my shirt over my head, and it’s so sexy to feel her smooth skin on mine. Her breasts brush my chest and she arches up, chasing more of the sensation.
I reach between our legs and reposition myself just right, then start to slide into her, telling her to warn me if it’s too much, too fast. She wraps her arms tightly around my neck and rocks against me, showing me how good it feels, how much she wants me to continue. I worry this is still wrong. I worry I’m taking something from her, but she relaxes her thighs and I settle deeper inside her, hold still, and look down at her until she nods. I start to pull out and press in, creating a slow, steady rhythm until I know she’s worked up and ready for more.
