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“What is going on with you? You have no focus.” She tapped her foot on the ground. “This is about that damn list. Leave it to your grandmother to cause trouble even from the grave.”
I hated when anyone talked shit about my grandmother, especially my mother. They were just completely different people. I had no idea how Gram had raised such a cold, anal-retentive overachiever. Oh, God. That’s exactly what I had become, or what I was on my way to becoming.
“She wasn’t a troublemaker. She just didn’t agree with you—and you hate that, don’t you?” I crossed my arms over my chest. It wasn’t often I was combative with my mother. I was never combative.
“I’m just glad you didn’t get her lack of direction.” For the second time, she gave me a once-over. “Although today it would seem otherwise.”
“I’m burnt-out. I’ve been going hard with school since I was…eight years old.”
I thought back on my life. On all of the birthday parties I’d missed. On all the holidays I’d spent with my nose in a book instead of on vacation. Of all the times I’d had to tell my best friend, No, I’m sorry, I can’t come with you to the movies because I have to study. It was pathetic. I was pathetic for letting it happen.
“This is about that boy. He’s made you lose sight of what’s important.”
She did not just bring Max into the situation.
I took a minute and surveyed the woman in front of me. Time had weathered her features and improved her clothing choices, but it hadn’t softened her demeanor. It hadn’t opened her eyes to the possibility that there was more to life than work. And even though she had a family, she wasn’t a part of it.
I snorted. “On the contrary, I think he’s opened my eyes to what’s important.”
“He doesn’t belong in your world, and you don’t belong in his. Don’t tell me you didn’t realize it at the firm party.”
“You don’t know anything about his world.” I hadn’t known anything about it either. Until I opened my eyes and let him in, let in the possibility of something different.
“That may be…but you can’t tell me it doesn’t bother you he’s around women all day long. Women who wouldn’t have a problem doing whatever he asked, girlfriend or not.”
With a sad sigh, I said, “I’m not his girlfriend.”
I wasn’t going to tell her it was over or that the list had practically been completed. I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of saying “I told you so.”
“All the more reason to let this go. You don’t have to invest any more time on this list—or with that boy.”
I fisted my hands at my side. “His name is Max.”
“No matter.” She huddled me closer and we walked toward the entrance to the building. “You are going to go into that building and ace that exam. We are going to make you one of the brightest lawyers in the city. It’s only a matter of time before your cases are the ones students are using to pass their exams.”
We. Which meant if I wanted to be a lawyer, I was going to have to put up with my mother being involved, just like this, for the rest of my life.
I didn’t want this. Max was right. So was Grace, although she’d never come out and said it. I couldn’t stand to spend the rest of my life doing something I hated and never being good enough. Law school didn’t define me. It didn’t make or break my life. Ultimately, only I could do that.
There was only one cho
ice. Only one decision that would ensure the smile I so rarely used flourished and the tense, anxiety ball was obliterated once and for all.
“Goodbye, Mother.”
I turned and walked toward the parking lot, away from my future. Away from the life I had envisioned for myself, but never truly wanted.
Yet the more steps I took way from my future, the more terror seized my insides.
What the hell are you doing? What are you going to do now? You have no job. You have no degree. You have…nothing.
This one decision will change the course of my future. This one decision…
Well, shit.
I stopped, plunking my bag on the nearest bench. I rooted through my things, finally finding what I was looking for.
I pulled out the bucket list and stared at the last item.
