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“But—”
“There are no buts, Maximillian.”
A shudder coursed through my body. “Is that even my name?”
He smiled faintly. “Yes. Your birth mother agreed to that name with your mother’s coaxing.” He paused. “Ellie’s coaxing.” The use of her given name stabbed me like a knife to the chest. “Ellie knew you were going to do great things the moment you were placed in Liz’s arms. She was in the room when you were born.”
“Liz?” Her name slipped off my tongue so easily. What did she look like? Did I look like her? But I didn’t have to coax. My father offered more information willingly.
“Liz Sanders was Ellie’s best friend. Had been for years before you were born, but she was lost. She had an addiction. We couldn’t have a child, so when you were born, it was like you belonged to both of them. Ellie tried to help Liz over the years, and when she went back to drugs, Ellie took care of you. But make no mistake, the day your birth mother overdosed was the saddest day of Ellie’s life.”
Even though she wasn’t my real mother, I didn’t think I would ever get used to referring to her as Ellie. Even after the truth, I didn’t want to.
“We didn’t know what to do. We didn’t know who your father was. Ellie knew Liz didn’t have any family left. Maybe some long-lost aunts or uncles, but no one she spoke of. You would have ended up in the foster system, and we just couldn’t have that.”
“So you took me?”
He shook his head. “We adopted you. It’s perfectly legal and legitimate. We had to wait until it was all done before we could come back to Canada, but then you were ours.” Tears accumulated in my father’s eyes. “And it was the happiest day of my life.” He choked out those last words.
I realized that after twenty-four years, I hadn’t had a happiest time in my life, let alone one whole day. I wanted a happy day. I wanted to live my life with the same contentment I saw in my father’s eyes. I knew if I spent any more time in the porn business, the chance of that happening was close to zero.
My father looked at me with love and appreciation. I’d never get tired of seeing myself in his eyes. He believed I could do anything and I wanted nothing more than to prove him right. It was one thing to follow in his footsteps, but how did I know what he really saw in me wasn’t just a reflection of himself? Which made what I was about to say that much more hurtful.
“Dad, we need to talk.”
Ben had been right. Everly had been right. The only one who hadn’t seen the truth was me.
“I…” I looked at my father, holding my breath, but I was going to have to breathe if I wanted a chance to move on. “I want to try something new.”
“Of course.” He looked relieved. I wondered if he’d thought I was going to ask about finding my real family, or something that meant I would be leaving him. In a way, I was, but not for the reasons he expected. “You can do anything you want to do to breathe new life into White Lace.” He walked over to the newest section of the room and admired the awards. “I trust you.”
“No…” Shit! How was I supposed to tell the man who lived only to make me happy and successful that all his actions were for nothing?
“I want to try something new outside of White Lace. I…” I looked down at my hands as I clenched them in front of my body. “I don’t want to work at White Lace.” I let out a huge breath. That felt good to say. “I don’t want to take over.”
That felt even better. I knew it by the way my stomach loosened its grip on my guilt.
I had finally said it out loud. In front of my father. But when I looked up, he was staring at me with confusion. “I don’t understand.”
If I was going to leave, I at least owed him the truth, no matter how bad.
“I don’t want to listen to complaints about an actors’ personal hygiene. I don’t want to know how many enemas it takes to clear out an anus.”
My father attempted to interrupt me, but I thrust my hand up, keeping him quiet.
“I don’t want White Lace to be my future. It doesn’t make me happy.”
“So what are you saying?” He stumbled back like my words had just shot right through him. “You…quit?”
He looked devastated. Completely. Utterly. Heart-wrenchingly. Devastated.
“Dad, I need this.” This time it was me rushing to him. “I need to do something with my life, an
d White Lace…isn’t it.”
I knew that some people would kill to have a father like mine. Constantly proud and amazed at the things I did. But more importantly, I had to be proud and amazed at the things I did. I needed to love it, more than I needed my father to love it.
“No, Maximillian. You’re just saying this because you think you’re not really my son. But you are.”
