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Or so I’d like to believe. I had to believe it. I didn’t have any other choice but to walk away. I was looking for something that Ben could never give me.
And I couldn’t afford any more stupid decisions.
Chapter 20
Ben
The theater-style classroom was packed with students. I didn’t blame them. I’d want a front row seat to watch the pimp crash and burn for a second time. But that wasn’t happening tonight. This time I was prepared. This time I was confident in my abilities.
I had Grace to thank for that.
Saturday night had confirmed something I had been trying to deny. I was falling in love with her. I was probably already in love with her. And it had nothing to do with our sordid pasts. My love for her was rooted in the present, in the comfortable way we fit together, in and out of bed. It might have started out as an attraction, but my feelings for her had developed so fast and so deep, I had no choice but to believe it was love. Because it was something I’d never felt before.
I’d had an uneasy feeling the moment I saw her with her douchebag co-worker. I had overheard part of their conversation before I’d interrupted, and for a split second I thought she was flirting. But the moment I breached the space and she turned to look at me, I knew those words were only meant to placate. I’d hated myself for thinking so badly of her, but it had proven my point a million times over. This woman was skilled in telling any man exactly what he wanted hear. In this case, she wanted far away from him, but the intention was still the same. How could I ever trust her to tell me how she truly felt?
Of all the women in the world I had to pop my love cherry, it was this one. The one who after today, would be done with her duty, and this fun we’ve been having would be over.
As I waited at the front of the classroom for the session to begin, I had one eye on the door and the other on the students.
Cory was in the front row, talking to an attractive girl with blond hair. He was a great kid and any girl would be lucky to have him. I continued to watch him as he shied away, so uncomfortable in his actions. It was fascinating how different the two of us were, yet exactly the same.
Despite my best efforts, my confidence was a show. One that had taken a neglectful mother and years of low expectations to perfect. But Cory wasn’t that kid. He didn’t have to be that kid. Because he was great just as he was. He didn’t need to pretend to be anyone else.
But that didn’t mean he couldn’t use a little nudge.
I walked up to him, tapping his shoulder.
“Amie wants to know if you want to hook up after her shoot.” This girl would interpret “hook up” to mean whatever she wanted. I was hoping sex. “Should I tell her you’re available?” I held out my phone as if I’d just received a text.
Cory’s mouth practically hit the floor, but he recovered quickly. “Sure.” He cleared his throat. “Tell Amie I would love to hook up.”
He turned with a wide smile, the girl he was talking to suddenly went from mildly interested to wildly enthusiastic about their conversation.
Game. Set. Match.
As I walked away, I heard her ask for his number.
I returned to the podium, turning to face the audience, and as if our bodies were connected, I felt Grace enter the room without even seeing her. When I looked up, my entire body relaxed, some kind of easiness washing over me.
I had tried so hard to keep a distance between us, to keep myself from getting attached to another woman who was just going to leave me high and dry as soon as the novelty of me had worn off. But she was here. Just as she’d promised. Just like I knew she would be.
But then she stopped. Instead of taking her seat in the corner, she stared down at her phone.
My stomach tensed. I hated when she looked at her phone. I had no idea who was reaching out. Was it Everly? Was it Sadie? She put it to her ear, and from the front of the classroom I saw her face grow pale. Her eyes didn’t search me out. She just turned, her auburn hair whipping behind her, and walked away.
What the hell had just happened? Was she gone for good? Did she simply need some privacy for a call? The fact that she hadn’t even looked me in the eye made me suspicious. I had thought our time last night had solidified something between us. But she had just proven that I had been right all along. Women were unreliable. Women were in it for themselves. And it was high time I came to terms with the fact that there was no one out there who would put me first.
I was on my own.
“Mr. Lockwood?”
Suddenly I was no longer calm and collected. My insecurity rose up like bile in my throat and threatened to choke me.
Please, please choke me so I don’t have to do this again.
I stepped behind the podium, my suit cutting off my circulation. Before I even began to speak, my voice echoed in the classroom, only it wasn’t my voice. Not my real voice. Someone was playing the video from my last appearance. But lucky me, they’d looped it and set it to music.
Laughter filled the room.
