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I snorted on the inside. My eyes had been wide open and yet I still managed to walk into a perfectly constructed brick wall.
“You’re right. I’m sure you knew exactly what you were doing.” Everly waved her hand then picked up her coffee mug. “You said yourself you know how to keep yourself separate. I had no clue what I was doing with Max, and you gave me great advice, even though I totally didn’t listen.” She laughed, her eyes casting off as she sighed contentedly. Probably without even knowing she was doing it. “I’m sure that’s exactly what you did with Ben.”
I stared blankly across the table. My best friend was so trusting. So loving. So fucking naive, because she’d believed every word I’d said. And it had all been a lie.
“Grace?” Everly kicked out her chair and sidled up to me. “What’s wrong?”
Tears rolled down my face, and I sobbed, a hot, shaking mess.
“I’m sorry, Evs.” I choked back more tears. “I lied to you.”
“What are you talking about?” She was rubbing my back now, gentle counterclockwise circles that did nothing to soothe my conscience.
“I told you that I kept everything detached, but it’s not true. It was tough to do. And sometimes I didn’t want to.” I stared up at her, trying to gauge her reaction. I had kept the truth hidden because I didn’t want her to think less of me. Telling her now might turn out exactly as I had feared, exactly why I hadn’t told her in the first place.
“Some of my clients were good people just looking for companionship. I had one who was an army vet. A paraplegic. He barely left the house. He was attractive and had his whole life ahead of him, but being confined to a wheelchair was killing him. He couldn’t have sex. He thought he wouldn’t be able to find a wife who’d be all right with not having sex with her husband. I’d go to his place every week. He was a great guy and we talked. A lot. It wasn’t all about sex.”
Everly rested her head against mine. The brown flyaway strands of her hair tickled my face. “You could have told me that.”
“I didn’t want you to think less of me. I didn’t want you to think that I…liked it.”
“Grace.” She grabbed my shoulders and turned me toward her. “Even if you did like being an escort, I wouldn’t have cared. I love you. No matter what.”
My eyes overflowed with more tears that streaked my cheeks. I sucked in a breath and wiped them away.
“Was I a bad friend?” Everly asked. Worry had crept its way to her face. “Did I not support you enough? Did you think I wouldn’t approve?”
I grabbed her hands, pulling them down to the counter and holding her stare. “Everly. You are the best friend I’ve ever had. No matter what I tell you, you’ve never judged me. But you always make the right decisions, and despite knowing the reasons behind why I did what I did, I was terrified that you’d finally realize how screwed up my choices were and we’d lose…us.”
“Never.” She pulled me into a hug, squeezing me so tight I could barely breath.
“It wasn’t all just sex with Ben.” I sniffed against her shoulder and did my best to wiggle out of her embrace so I could look her in the eye. “Somehow, he made me feel like I could be myself. Like I didn’t have to hide. And because of him, because he gave me that safe space, I found myself again.”
“Are you trying to tell me that you broke your own rules and things with Ben got…emotional?” I’d never seen a more surprised look on her face. “Because I hate to tell you this, but I know Ben, and I know how much you want your happily ever after, and…I don’t think he can give it to you.”
“I know that.” I spat out the words. Everly had been a little harsh in her opinion, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. Everly wasn’t mean. She was practical, and she’d cut a dude if he ever hurt me. So I was going to have to tread carefully when it came to telling her about Ben. “He might not be my forever, but I will never forget what he did for me, even if he never knows it.”
She leaned back, her arms flopping down to her sides. “You love him.”
After a moment, I nodded. “He doesn’t know how to open his heart. And I can’t be with a man who doesn’t trust me. And I especially can’t be with a man who isn’t able to commit.”
I couldn’t fix Ben, but I knew I could fix my career. It was just a matter of facing the music and returning to my original plan. I’d go back into business for myself. As long as Colette didn’t decide to tell everyone what she knew about my former occupation.
I’d always thought word of mouth was the best way to get business, but not when the word of mouth was trash talk.
Everly let me cry on her shoulder a little longer, and when my tears had dried up, she kissed me on top of my head and said she’d call me later to get the details about my meeting with Colette.
I redid my makeup and made my way to Elle Cosmetics. It took me three tries to finally get the courage to knock on Colette’s office door. After her, “Come in,” I opened the door and stepped inside.
She immediately stopped what she was doing. “We’re overdue for a conversation.”
I nodded, walking closer to the desk then taking the seat opposite her. She looked tired. Her red hair was pulled back tight into a ponytail and her blouse had a stain on it. This was definitely not the same woman who’d hired me. This one was wrestling with something. And I felt guilty that I had contributed to that.
“I really appreciate you giving me the time off. Truly. My friend was in the hospital and I just needed a few days to get her settled and able to take care of herself.”
I couldn’t tell if she believed me. I didn’t know if she thought that every word out of my mouth was a lie, considering…
“It was actually for the best. I needed some time to…just go over everything that happened.” She pushed away the papers in front of her. “I still can’t quite wrap my mind around it and I wonder…” I could tell she wanted to ask me something, but was afraid.
