AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I had come here to say my piece. And I had. But it didn’t make me feel any better.
Just last week I’d been happy. I had a job I loved and a man who understood and accepted me just as I was. Funny how in such little time that happiness had been blown to smithereens.
Deviating from my original plan had made me happy for a short time, but the detour had only proven that normal was never going to apply to me. I needed to refrain from making long-term connections, and most importantly, I needed to throw my naive idea of a happily ever after out the window.
It was the smartest decision I could ever make.
I didn’t need a man to whisk me away. I didn’t need a man to save me. I had relied on Ben to make everything better. I had relied on the physical connection between us to become my go-to means of dealing with my emotions.
It wasn’t healthy. And it sure as hell wasn’t practical. Practical was leaving this office with my dignity intact and forging my own path.
I had thought that retiring from escorting would allow me to re-immerse into the real world and finally live the life I’d wanted. But now, having left it all behind, I realized I would always live my life on the periphery.
Ben and I might have crashed and burned, but I had learned a valuable lesson. Even a man with a dark and tainted sexual history wasn’t able to come to terms with mine. And so I’d move forward, watching the world unfold.
An outsider, looking in.
Chapter 24
Ben
I made my way into the office. One monotonous day after the other. That’s how I’d been feeling for the last week. Instead of the anxiety I’d get whenever I walked through the doors, I had an overwhelming sense of sadness that hadn’t let up since Grace had left my house.
And I’d let her. Because I was afraid.
I’d only let one other woman with the power to crush me into my life. Ultimately she had, but it wasn’t her fault, and I couldn’t be mad at cancer. I knew Ellie had loved me, she’d proven it time and again.
But stupidly, I’d added Grace to that list. And she’d done exactly as expected. She’d crushed me. Ruined me.
We’d ruined each other.
An hour into my day, I received an email from Cory.
His placement was over and it was weird being in the office without him. Sort of like something was missing from my day.
I hadn’t wanted to take him in. It had been the last thing I’d wanted to do. But it had been the best decision I’d ever made. I’d proven, even if only to myself, that I was more than just the guy who filmed people fucking. In my own way, and at my own speed, I’d helped this company succeed. I just had to believe in myself. And that belief also meant that I was ready to consider a life beyond porn. When the time was right. For now, my loyalties were still with Hirsh.
I opened Cory’s email. It was a thank-you with a file attached. When I clicked on it, the media player came to life.
It was the scene that he’d filmed with Grace and me. The kiss in my office.
He’d edited it and added music. It started off slow, just Grace standing still. He must have looped it because I didn’t remember her standing there for so long. And then I entered—more like stalked my way into view. Grace looked vulnerable, yet desirous, despite the good show she’d put on in the moment.
The kiss was the hottest thing I’d ever watched on film, and my body was reacting accordingly. Heat crept up my neck and settled in my cheeks. My heartbeat quickened and I was hyperaware of it pounding in my chest. I leaned closer to the screen, sliding it away from the door so no one could see. Because this was just for me. This moment between us was intensely private.
I’d been searching for the perfect scene, the moment when reality suspended just for a moment and there was nothing else but two people in the moment—feeling, not thinking, gobbling each other up with such intensity that gave you no other choice but to fall with them.
“Benson.” I looked up when someone knocked on my door, scrambling to click the X at the top of the screen.
Hirsh stood there, his suit perfectly tailored. His hair perfectly coifed. He was style and sophistication. Business yet casual at the same time.
I cleared my throat, taking a deep breath, doing my best to tamp down the excitement that had taken over my body the moment I’d clicked on that file. “What’s up, Hirsh?”
Upon my greeting he nodded and slowly entered; it was odd, because he’d never waited for me to acknowledge him before, and when he sat down, he blew out a heavy breath.
I was legitimately nervous. I had an inkling he was going to tell me to go back to directing. That he’d found someone else to be VP, because I stank.
But that’s what you want. You miss being behind the camera.
