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He shoved those thoughts back behind the gate he never unlocked.
People went through worse and never complained.
He was walking in the woods, not sure how he’d ended up there. His legs shook, but if he stopped he’d never get up again. Deeper he went into the woods. Deeper. Cold permeated his flesh, got into his bones. They felt as hollow as the rest of him. People kept trying to convince him they could be trusted, but reality always intervened to make them liars, even if it had never been their intention.
Maybe if she’d come back when she was supposed to, she wouldn’t have overtaxed herself. Maybe he would have noticed something was wrong and got her to the hospital on time. Although he didn’t know the story – didn’t want to know. It could have been an accident rather than illness.
Either way, she was gone.
She’d told him she loved him so many times, but if she’d really loved him she would have figured out how not to die. She’d let it happen because she was tired of living with his bullshit.
Thoughts flew through his mind, stupid, disjointed.
He’d trusted her more than anyone in the world, but in the end even her best intentions hadn’t been worth much. Empty promises. He was alone, had always been alone, would die alone. Getting close to a woman who’d been old when he’d met her had been stupid, but she’d loved him like a son. She’d been his mother. The third mother who hadn’t thought he was worth sticking around for. The third mother he’d exhausted.
He was too needy – too impossible – but he didn’t know how to be different. It was too late now anyway.
How was he supposed to function without her?
Had she known she didn’t have long left? Had she been hiding things?
Is that why she’d insisted on Minnow?
Frozen fingers gripping craggy rock, he climbed the cliff that overlooked the lake. Once on the precipice, the wind tore at his clothes and hair, but he needed to punish his body to keep himself from slipping into the weird numbness that wanted to shield him against the ugly emotions. When was denial supposed to happen? Shouldn’t he have questioned whether this was real – how Church was sure?
No. He’d known this was coming from the day he’d met her.
Now, if Minnow left him, he might as well disappear.
The water beckoned, cold and unforgiving. It would punish his body more than walking or climbing. More than the tattoos and piercings. He could throw himself in. He might die if he hit wrong. He might die of hypothermia.
But then, that wasn’t what Sutton wanted for him. She would smack him for thinking it – especially because of her. There had been enough of that thinking not long after she’d become his mother. He couldn’t do that to her even if she wasn’t around to have to deal with the aftermath.
And Minnow. He had to take care of Minnow.
He had to keep her close.
*
Church came, of course. He’d always been a man of his word, even as a boy. Like Sutton, he never left Severin alone no matter what he did or said. Until they both had, one after the other.
His brother’s eyes were red, his dark skin blotchy from grieving, like Minnow’s was. The two of them had found him in the woods and forced him to come back even though the whole house whispered with the spirits of dead mothers.
“Maybe tomorrow,” Church said, his voice thick. “I can’t even think about going through her things tonight, but I can’t leave it for you, Sev, and I can only stay until the night of the cremation.”
“You can leave it. It will stay like that until you have time to come and take what you want.” Severin shrugged, ignoring the hot meal in front of him and nursing his beer instead.
“No. I know you. I’m not leaving it all for you to deal with, or the next time I come everything will be gone.”
Severin inclined his head. True. Sentimental things made him uncomfortable and he rushed to get them over with. When Church’s mother had died, Church had lingered over every little thing, reminiscing. It had made Severin profoundly uncomfortable, like picking and picking at a scab. Dwelling on unpleasant feelings only made them worse.
They cleared the dishes together then Severin went out to the forge, needing to get away from Church’s storytelling and all of the emotion he and Minnow were emitting. It felt as if their emotions were beating at him. Controlling himself all evening and blocking their sorrow had been exhausting.
He had only enough time to kindle the fire in the forge before the outer door swung open. Church came in, stomping and blowing in his hands.
“You can hide out here if you want to, Sev, but sooner or later you’re going to have to deal with this.”
“I’ve dealt with it,” he said coolly. “I’m not the one who keeps crying.”
