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The hate that started with Owen and grew with Colm was all I knew. It made me the boss bitch I was today, the powerful and ruthless woman that all of Nevada feared. It was also what made me a shit mother to my little girl.
Kat eased herself into a chair, her voice choked with emotion when she said, “Oh my God, Ma, I didn’t know.”
“Because I made sure you didn’t.” I flashed a bitter smile at Kat as I took another sip. “I made sure you only saw a powerful woman when you looked at me, not the teenage whore that helped your father grow the Ashby Organization. Not what we had to do when times were lean, and cash was tight, thanks to his gambling habit.”
Colm had turned me out slowly, making it seem like an adventure at first, a way to stick it to my folks for throwing me away so easily.
“You?” Kat asked, incredulous.
I nodded. “Fucking for money was my job. I was beautiful and naïve, and I was the first victim of Colm’s gambling addiction, fucking his gambling buddies to pay off the debts he couldn’t and Cillian wouldn’t. I did it because I loved him, and I thought that was what love was.”
Kat sucked in an outraged breath. “He didn’t deserve you, Ma.”
I smiled. “You love your father.”
I watched my baby wipe tears from her eyes. “Yeah, because he was good to me, but it turns out he wasn’t a good husband or a good father. Maybe not even a good man.”
I drew in a breath, letting it out along with years of resentment and anger. “Definitely not a good man, but Colm gave me you and Jasper and Virgil and Calvin. His actions forced me to find my strength and my power. That one little act of fucking to pay off his debts helped keep money in the Ashby coffers. Helped build us up so that when he met his untimely end, I took over an empire worth billions.”
Kat’s eyes went wide. “Billions? We’re billionaires? I had no idea.”
I snorted a bitter laugh. “It’s not your business to know!”
“Obviously,” she said, impressed or disgusted, I couldn’t tell.
I stood and leaned on my palms to stare at my only daughter with more hate in my heart than I realized.
“You’re a weak woman, Kat, and I failed you. I failed to turn you into a strong woman. Capable as hell, without a doubt, but you wouldn’t last five minutes dealing with the underside of this business. And that is my biggest fucking regret.”
Those words took the last of my energy, and I fell back into the plush leather chair with a sigh.
“You’re right; it is your failure! You were so busy with the boys, trying to prove you were as tough as the men that you just forgot about me.”
Tears swam in her eyes as she spoke, another sign I’d failed her where it mattered most.
She flung bitter words at me. “I am strong and smart and fucking capable as hell, but because I’m not swinging a dick between my legs, you think I’m weak. You don’t just hate women; you hate yourself for the sin of being a woman!”
Her tears disgusted me. “You can go now,” I ordered. Or maybe it was the honesty in her words, either way, I needed her gone. “Go.”
“Gladly,” she growled and rose from the chair as if on wings, flew across the room and slammed the door behind her.
When Kat was gone I turned to face the window, taking a drink with one hand as I took a swipe at one lone, angry tear.
Chapter Five
Sadie
I woke the next morning with a sledgehammer pounding inside my head.
“I’m too fucking old to deal with hangovers.” In my teens and twenties, the recovery time from a night of over-indulging was nonexistent. I could wake up at the crack of dawn full of energy and focus on what I needed to do for the day. Now, the alcohol stayed with me a bit longer, but that didn’t change the list of things that I needed to accomplish. Things only I could handle. That would never change.
Business, especially my business, didn’t stop for illness or hangovers—or even funerals. Nothing stopped this train, which meant nothing stopped me. I stared at my reflection for a long time, noting the extra lines on my face, the dark circles under my eyes, the years I claimed like a badge of honor but wore like an unwanted mask.
It was nothing a quick coat of makeup couldn’t fix or at least hide. I reached for the black and gray Chanel suit and my black patent leather Jimmy Choos. I made my way down to the formal dining room where Jasper, Virgil, and Terry expected me for a meeting.
“Good morning, boys,” I said, entering the room with the swagger befitting my stature.
