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“I understand that, Ma. I understand your reasons, and so will the others. Just give them a chance.”
“No.” I couldn’t tell them. For the first time in a long time, I felt fear. Real fear. Not since the first time Colm blackened my eye and busted my lip did I feel this kind of fear. My kids, they would look at me differently if they knew. I had to make Jasper understand.
“Your father knew. I knew. He didn’t just know what was happening, he let it happen because they forgave his debts, Jas. He fucking knew, and I knew too, and it ate me up for years that I was too fucking weak. Too powerless to do anything about it.”
I took a big gulp of whiskey and sighed as I slammed the glass down. “The moment I was strong and powerful enough, I did something about it.” I felt a little drunk, which made me overly emotional.
Jasper took his own drink, absorbing the information he was hearing for the first time. I didn’t want to tell him. As the oldest, Jasper had endured the abuse the longest, but I had to make him see how crucial it was to protect this secret. To protect me.
“Now you see why this can’t come out.”
“I know, Ma. I’ve known for a long damn time about all of it. Why do you think I’ve protected you over the years?” He took another swig, and his eyes grew glassy, took on a faraway look.
I tried to focus, but the goddamn booze messed with my head. Or maybe I was just in shock that Jasper knew. Had known for…how long?
“Remember Father Ramirez?”
I nodded. The baseball coach was one of the first priests I sent to meet his maker.
“I saw him handing Dad a thick envelope of money when he picked me up. Dad wouldn’t look at me. It was like he went out of his fucking way not to look at me. That’s when I realized that asshole knew what was happening. And he chose to ignore it.” Jasper took a drink from the tumbler and reached for a cigarette. “I heard him thank Father Johnson once, and that old fucker laughed and said, ‘No, thank you Colm, and God bless you.’”
Jasper lit the cigarette and took a long drag, staring out into the garden. “God fucking bless you, he said. Can you believe it?”
My skin was cold to the touch. All the blood had fled to some other location as the clarity of just how long Jasper had carried this burden, this secret, hit me.
“Jasper.” His name came out on a whisper. Worse, it came out on a teary whisper.
He nodded with the same stoicism that had become his trademark. I now knew why.
“Like I said, Ma, I get why you did what you did, and I appreciate it. It was a long damn time before I could have done that without getting caught, and I’m grateful to you for doing it, but now we need to figure out what the fuck Beck has. Or thinks she has on you.”
“If all goes well, they can all just think she’s another cop with a grudge against the family.”
“And if all went well, we wouldn’t be in this position. Would we?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “I’ll talk to Ellison again, but in the meantime, we need to make sure we’re virgin clean on this shit, and that means we need to bring everyone in on this.”
“I’m not ready,” I admitted. “I will be, but right now, I’m not, Jasper.”
He gave a nod of understanding and took another drag off his cigarette. “Okay, not tonight, Sadie. But soon. We can’t put this off for much longer. You know Beck. She won’t have a problem approaching Cal or Virgil with her theories.”
He was right. I knew it even if everything within me fought against it. “I know.”
“Okay.” He finished his glass and stood, opening the sliding doors to let the family back inside.
“We’re ready for dinner,” he called to one of the waiting housekeepers and dropped back down into his seat, stamping out his smoke in the crystal ashtray. The weight of the world on his broad shoulders.
As I looked at Jasper, at the weight he carried, the pain and sorrow and anger in his eyes, I hated Colm even more. I hated him for forcing me to show my children a side of me they never, ever, needed to fucking see.
Chapter Fifteen
Sadie
“This place is shit.” The words came out slurred and to no one in particular, mostly because there was no one inside the VIP room with me to hear them. It was Saturday night, and Lucky Lopez was—finally—open again. The place was packed. All the headlining acts showed up begging for the main stage slots now that the doors were open again, and all the bars were three people deep. I could practically see the dollar signs floating in the air.
