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Thinking back to the days in our apartment, I totally understand what she meant. After long days at work, Emily would rub her feet and pour us some cheap wine I rarely drank. I wasn’t a big alcohol drinker. The most I’d consumed was at the nightclub celebrating her birthday, and with Earl.
We didn’t have a lot of wine, just on rare occasions.
“I can make you a soda?”
Emily chuckled. “Isn’t that what we usually drank?”
“Pretty much. Those pregnancy hormones must be affecting your memory. We rarely drank. Is that what you’re craving, wine?”
“I think I’m craving everything I can’t have. Wine. Lots of cheese. Raw eggs.”
“Eww, gross. I wouldn’t even make you runny scrambled eggs. They were so gross.” I chuckled at the memory.
“I’ve grown partial to some burnt eggs,” Emily said. “The cook back home hates cooking for me.”
“Well, if I ever need a job, I know where to come to.” I winked at Emily and we both laughed.
This was good. This was getting back to where we were. Having a laugh. Enjoying each other’s company. Just … living.
I knew the reality would invade very soon. Earl and the men would come back. They’d gone out to handle business. I didn’t know what kind, just something men had to do. Nothing I could understand.
“How has it been with Earl?” Emily asked. “Did he … you know?”
Nibbling on my lip, I looked past Emily’s shoulder, thinking about that night. I’d been pushed to the breaking point. Ever since we’d come back to the city, I felt much better. Noise helped.
“You want to know if he and I have, you know?”
“Don’t mock me.”
“I can’t help it. You need to be mocked. I’m not going to tell you about my sex life,” I teased her. I couldn’t help it.
“So you totally have done it,” Emily said.
With the peppers and onions chopped up, I stared at Emily. “Yes, we’ve done it, and it was the most painful and magical experience of my life. That first time, I’m never going to forget it. He was … amazing.” The way his hands touched me, the orgasm he drew from me, all of it played in my mind.
“Wow, I’m happy for you.”
“It’s just sex.” Even saying the words hurt. I didn’t want it to be just sex. There was a time limit on it. I got that. Each day I woke up, when he was gone, I wondered if this would be the day he’d toss me aside.
I was used to it.
My mom went through these phases all the time. Good mom. Bored mom. Distant mom. Angry mom. Each one either showed me no attention, or treated me like I didn’t exist.
“Don’t say that,” Emily said. “From the way he looked at you when we arrived, I don’t think it’s just sex.”
This made me pause. Hope filled my chest. It was useless. I couldn’t hope for something that didn’t exist. “Please, don’t do that.”
“Ash, are you in love with this man?”
Tears filled my eyes as I looked at her. “No.” The lie came out before I could stop it.
“You are. I can see it. You’re in love with Earl Valentine.”
I stopped chopping, putting down the knife. This wasn’t good. I couldn’t love a man who had no chance of loving me back. Shaking my head back and forth, I stepped back. “No, I don’t love him.”
“Ash, there’s nothing wrong with it.”
“Nothing wrong? This isn’t a love relationship, Em. This is sex. All he wanted was my virginity, and he got that. I’ve got nothing else to give. I’m no longer special. He took the one thing that made me stand out in a crowd.”
Once I started, there was no stopping me. “I’m no different than all of the other women he’s screwed. Don’t you see that? I do. I see that so clearly. I’m not special. I’m not unique. I can’t fall for him. He traffics women.”
I nodded and laughed. “So he has an entire slew of women at his disposal, who he sells to other men. Rich men. He makes money off of sex. He’s a mon … no, he’s a beast. I can’t fall for a guy like that.”
“And yet, you have,” Emily said.
I repeatedly shook my head as if that would stop all of this from being true. I couldn’t love that man. There was no chance. But as I fought against the feelings, I knew deep down they were right. I was in love with Earl Valentine.
Even as I hated what he stood for and what he did, the man himself was so loveable. He hid behind this façade of pain and misery, but little by little, I could see him.
He wasn’t a complete beast.
Emily got to her feet and pulled me against her. “I’ve got you.”
“I can’t love him. He’s not going to love me back.”
