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So I tell myself I'm allowed this – a single moment of weakness. Tears sting my eyes but they never fall. I shake my head, unable to answer Sam's question. Sobs begin to wrack my body, but no tears fall. Even I'm disgusted with myself.
Sam pats me on the back as I howl into the night, not giving a shit who hears or sees me. I don't know how long I'm there, but Sam consoles me through it. He doesn't take his hand off my back until I calm down, and when I can finally breathe again, I pull away from him, my face stoic as I tuck my hands into the pockets of my jeans.
"I'm sorry for taking up your night," I tell Sam harshly. "I... I got overwhelmed."
"This got something to do with Dove?"
I hesitate, but finally nod. "Doesn't it always?"
"I think you should show yourself to her," he tells me resolutely. "I think she'd be grateful to have you. You seem like a good man. I trust you."
You shouldn't.
I don't say anything, merely nodding with the ghost of a smile on my lips. There's nothing left to say anymore, nothing I can do to make this better for either of us. I raise my hand in silent goodbye and Sam does the same. With my hands in my pockets, I make my way back to my bike, kicking at the gravel.
I've committed the most heinous crime. Now I have to make sure Dove never finds out about it. One person will never forgive me – and it's myself. But if Dove found out, she would hate me forever. And I can't have that. Because I need her. I can't live without her. And I'll just have to live with my own guilty conscience for the rest of my life.
I can do that.
If it means I eventually get my little bird in my arms, I can do fucking anything.
Chapter 15
Dove
When I wake up the next morning, Robin's gone already. I'm sad he left without saying goodbye and can't help but feel guilty about it, so I call his cell, but the operator tells me his number isn't available.
Groaning, I end the call.
I try to go about my day, heading to the plant nursery where I stay in the back, moving stock, sweeping floors and cleaning shelves, anything I can do so I don't have to deal with customers. I don't have it in me today to deal with people.
I call Robin three times that day and every single time, I get the dreaded not available message. His phone must be switched off... But Robin never switches off his phone. He always tells me I can call him anytime. Finally, I decide to bite the bullet and call Elise. Maybe she knows what's up.
"What's up?" she answers on the fourth ring.
"Hey, Elise." Fuck, I already sound panicked. "I was wondering if you heard from Robin."
"I thought he was with you?" My heart pangs when she says that. "He was supposed to call me this morning, and he never did."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure," she mutters. "Do you think something's wrong?"
I hesitate, not knowing what to tell her. "Can we meet at his apartment in an hour?"
"Sure," Elise says, sounding more bothered than I would have liked. I wanted her to make me feel better, to console me, but the call has done exactly the opposite of that.
Thirty minutes later, I leave the plant nursery and head to Robin's apartment downtown. Elise is already waiting, and I'm relieved to see her yappy dog isn't with her. We use Elise's keys to get in. The apartment is empty. He's nowhere to be seen.
"This is weird," I say. "It is, isn't it?"
"I... I think so," Elise manages, wiping her eyes. She's already crying. So much for not panicking.
"We have to go to the cops," I tell her.
"But they won't do anything. All the TV shows say you have to wait twenty-four hours before you report someone missing, don't they?"
"I don't care. Are you coming with me or not?" She nods wordlessly. We get in her car and ride to the nearest police station in a silence that’s charged with worry. I feel sick to my stomach. Instinctively, I know something's wrong. Robin would never disappear without telling me where he was going. Something bad has happened.
We both give our reports at the police station. Elise was right – until the twenty-four hours are up, we can't do anything. And it's been only seventeen since I last saw him going to sleep in my living room. Anxiously, I wait for the time to pass, grabbing coffee with Elise in a hipster cafe nearby. It's flavored with something ridiculous like orange blossom, but I barely even notice the flavor. I scald my tongue on the hot beverage, downing it in quick gulps that do nothing to soothe me.
