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Trying to banish his smirking image from my head, I decide to focus instead on the situation at hand. Raphael is snapping photos in my house this time, in my natural habitat. I'm surrounded by my plants and I feel safe. It's a nice feeling, to finally have that sense of belonging I've been looking for my whole life.
"You look perfect."
I let out a laugh, "Doubtful."
"You do, Dove." He clicks the camera again and gently touches his fingers to my chin, directing me so I'm facing the light. "So beautiful."
I feel a blush creeping into my cheeks. But instead of stopping Raphael, it seems to inspire him, and he fires off more photos, one after the other, click, click, click.
"Are you getting tired?"
"A little," I admit nervously.
"It's okay. The sun's about to set so we can stop now."
He puts away the camera and offers me the silk black robe I was wearing earlier. I accept it gratefully, allowing the fabric to swallow up my nakedness. Even though he's seen me naked a few times now, I still find it awkward. Not that Raphael is the one making it that way, not at all. He's always the perfect gentleman, never making a big deal, never mentioning it at all. But when he lets go of the camera, I always become acutely aware of my own body and my insecurities kick in.
"Do you want to stay the night?"
The question slipping from my lips shocks me, and I flush, avoiding Raphael's gaze. I hope he doesn't think I'm asking that because I want us to...
I flush even harder. I'm merely asking because I'll feel safer with him here. But he doesn't make it awkward, he just smiles and nods. And then there's the smallest, tiniest frisson of excitement. Like something could happen. This is the only time I've felt that since Nox came back – like I could actually see someone else in a romantic light. It's... refreshing. Different.
"I'm really proud of you, Dove," Raphael tells me and I smile with some uncertainty.
"Why?"
"You're eating better. You're not hurting yourself."
"I guess," I shrug.
"Aren't you proud of yourself?"
I think about his words for a moment, mulling them over in my head. I guess I should be proud. I am making big steps on the road to self-recovery. My trauma is being dealt with in proper ways and I've cut all the toxic people out of my life. And that includes Nox.
So why do I still feel empty deep down, where it matters most?
I shake my head to get the thought out.
"Yeah," I lie. "I'm very proud of myself."
Chapter 37
Nox
1 year later
My life is different now, but I'm still the same monster I've always been.
Dove's absence has impacted me in strange ways. I'm quieter these days, more pensive. I'm not the man who left LA a year ago. I've outgrown him.
But today, my life has put me back in LA. After a full year of touring Europe and the States and doing shows, I'm finally returning to the city where I really want to be. It's as if Hodge knew how much this means to me and kept it away from me on purpose. Denying me the only people I actually give a shit about. Perhaps it's his own version of a fucked-up revenge plan for what I did to his daughter. Either way, I fucking deserved it.
The other difference from then to now is that I have money. I've done all those shows Hodge wanted me to, and I painted every single fucking day. I sold a lot, and now I have a substantial amount under my belt with more on the way. But Hodge's claws are in me, deeper than ever. The man fucking owns me, and he knows it.
I grit my teeth as I pace the luxurious suite. I don't know how long my stay will be, but the suite’s paid for, for the next two weeks. That gives me enough time to check up on some things.
Surprisingly, I don't head to Dove's house first. I ignore every instinct. The siren call of my little bird is strong as ever, but I force myself to pay a visit to my other ward first.
Willa.
Over the past year, I've struggled with guilt like I'd never felt before. I made that little girl a promise and abandoned her the very next day. I can only hope I didn't fuck up her life too much. All will be revealed soon, and as worried as I am about the kid, I need to get answers, now.
I walk the path down to her house after taking an Uber to the neighborhood. I almost managed to forget what a shitty place Willa lives in. If she's still here.
When I round the corner and find the window of her bedroom, my heart fucking stops. There it is… the bear in the window.
