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My chest tightens at her admission, connecting with her more than she knows. “It sucks when we let everyone’s expectations for us rule our lives. I’m dealing with that shit and it sucks. What’s your mom like?”
She fidgets, trying to get comfortable. Her body curves into mine as she lays her head against my chest. Darkness hides my surprise. I wrap my arm around her, keeping my body loose. No way in hell do I want to discourage her sudden display of closeness. Even though I haven’t held her like this, it feels right, and it scares the living shit out of me. I hate being scared. Fucking despise feeling out of control, like I can’t get a handle on the swirling shitstorm brewing in my chest whenever I get near Sophie.
“She’s probably also high right now, hanging out in some jungle in Africa while saving the world.” She giggles, the movement vibrating against my chest. “She left us when I was a baby, claiming she didn’t want to be a mom. She’d rather go off and be a fake mom for all the kids in poor towns. I know I sound jealous and I feel terrible about it. It’s so selfish of me to be envious of kids who have nothing, but I am because she dumped me. My parents were never married, so her leaving wasn’t an issue in that sense. It was a clean break.”
No matter how easy a break, the idea of a mom abandoning their child hurts. The sadness in her voice makes my chest ache.
My fingers run through her hair to ease her discomfort. “You’re not selfish for wanting to have a mom who cares for you. I’m sorry to hear that she left. I can’t imagine how hard it is to grow up without a mom around.”
Her shitty mom reminds me of how I should call mine when I have a chance. I may be a dick at times by ignoring my brother’s calls, but my mom isn’t someone I actively avoid.
“Yeah, there’re some things you need a mom for. So my dad was stuck filling both roles, making sure I didn’t get into trouble. At least as much as he could with the F1 lifestyle of constant traveling. I’ll never forget the time I got my first period.” She groans, hiding her face in my chest.
“What happened?” Her comment makes me wonder about a young Sophie during those times, like when she had her first kiss or her first crush. My mind starts to drift off to other firsts before I snap out of it.
“I asked him for pads. He came back from the local store with adult diapers.”
“What did you end up doing?” I fight a laugh.
“He took me with him after I slammed my bedroom door in his face. I cried in the pharmacy as we picked out the right stuff, becoming a blubbering mess while my dad paced the aisle and googled info. He bought me every candy bar to make up for it and pretty much offered anything to get me to stop. I was so emotional about not having my mom around to help me and I felt so embarrassed with my dad. But I’ve never seen him that uncomfortable. Can you imagine? Adult diapers. There was even a picture of a grandma on them. I had no clue what he was thinking. Those are the types of moments I wish I could call my mom and ask her about stuff.” She shakes her head, giving me a fresh inhale of her shampoo.
“Do you talk to your mom?”
Another sigh from her. “Yeah, occasionally, maybe like once every two months whenever she gets service. She’s still my mom so I’ve long since let go of that grudge. Some people aren’t meant to be parents.”
“That’s really mature of you.” I mean every word.
That’s the thing about Sophie. On paper, she may be twenty-two, but she holds herself to a higher standard, coming across older than her age. It makes me feel less guilty about our age gap because I can’t see her with a college fuckboy who barely has his shit together. She doesn’t deserve that.
“If you knew her, you’d understand. I can’t hold it against her anymore because she’s so happy doing what she does. She’s whacky like a hippie. I’m lucky she didn’t name me Rainbow Moon or something scary.”
We both laugh at that idea. Being around her knocks me off-kilter because I don’t know whether I want to kiss her, protect her, or fuck her. My hand lazily rubs against her back. She tries to shimmy off my chest, but I hold her there.
“Anyway, my list is all types of crazy. It’s my way of experiencing new things since I’ve been held with a tight leash all my life. And not the sexual kind either if your perverted mind is jumping to that conclusion.”
An image of Sophie tied up runs through my mind, making my pants uncomfortably tight.
“That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself. But the list is a cool idea. Nothing like trying out a bunch of new things while traveling to all these different places.”
“If you could do anything in the world besides F1, what would you do?” Her question throws me for a loop. Where the fuck did she pull that one from?
I think about it for a good two minutes while Sophie lies on my chest, her head pressed against my beating heart while she waits.
“You like heavy-hitting questions. If I wasn’t racing, I’d probably go to school for something. Maybe to study architecture. I’ve loved checking out the buildings we visit in different cities and learning their stories.” The nerd in me shines through.
“Wow. A man who appreciates old-world history.”
“Have you always wanted to be an accountant?” I don’t get the appeal for someone like her because I can’t envision her sitting in an office all day long crunching numbers.
“Eh, no.” She giggles to the point of snorting. Damn, I got her some good weed.
“Then what would you do if you weren’t studying to become an office junkie?”
She lets out a nervous laugh. Has anyone asked her this before?
“I love art.” She says the three words in the faintest whisper like she is sharing a secret, adding it to our growing list.
I give her a squeeze. “What kind of art?”
