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“No, she won’t. I made sure she wouldn’t want to be with me ever again, let alone speak to me. I used every secret and vulnerable moment she’s ever shared with me against her.”
“Why?” Mum can’t help the sadness in her voice.
“Because I’m not her knight in shining armor. I’m the grim fucking reaper, stealing away her goddamn future.”
“I feel so guilty. It breaks my heart to hear you talk like this.” She turns her head. A few tears stream down her face onto my pillow.
A cold sensation spreads through my body at my mum’s distress. “Please don’t cry. I’m sorry.”
“I can’t help it. You’re my child, and I brought this upon you. It’s my fault.”
“It was a fifty-fifty chance. The odds were stacked against me from the start.”
“But you were happy.” She wipes away a few tears. “You were finally finding happiness. I should’ve discouraged you from taking the test. Instead I helped you, thinking it would be different. And now…”
“Now I saved Elena from a life of pain. Not knowing would’ve eaten away at me eventually. Better to know now than later, after marriage and…”
“Kids.” Mum nods her head in understanding.
“I wouldn’t have been able to deny Elena that experience. If we ever got serious like that.”
“Shouldn’t you let her decide that?”
“She would decide to stand by me.”
“Then that’s someone you want in your corner from the get-go.” Mum offers me a wobbly smile.
“You don’t get it. I can’t carry that weight of her being unhappy with me. I would never have a child of my own, knowing I could pass on the gene. That and I wouldn’t want my girlfriend, or maybe wife one day, to take care of me while I waste away.”
She recoils, her body tensing. “Is that how you think your dad feels about me?”
“Shit. No. Dad loves you more than anything. But I’m not blind to the pain it causes him to see you upset and hurting.”
Her lip trembles. “I beg you to reconsider your relationship with Elena. You don’t want to be making a serious decision when you’re emotional and lost. You received news that would turn anyone’s world upside down, and that’s not the time to make a life-changing decision.”
“I ruined any chance of us getting back together either way. I had to do it. I honestly didn’t expect the test to be positive.” My voice chokes. “I thought I had a real chance because the tremors were better after switching medications and my anxiety was more controlled.”
I did my job well, demolishing all of Elena’s hope toward having any kind of life with me. I embraced her hurt like it was my own, with each pained word escaping her mouth hitting me like a dagger to the chest.
I had hope, for once. And like everything in my life, it was useless and temporary.
Mum squeezes my hand harder. “I know. I was hoping it wasn’t. God, I prayed day and night after we booked the appointment.”
> One tear leaks out of my eye. I’m not used to crying, but everything feels like it’s crashing down around me. Every single damn thing. “Where do I go from here?”
“You’ll rise above this and take advantage of all those years you have left. I can’t answer what you want from life. Only you can.”
“Everything I wanted or thought I wanted, seems impossible.” I stare up at the ceiling.
“Only to you.” Mum remains quiet, keeping me company amidst my misery.
Mum doesn’t say anything else. She holds my hand while I teeter on the edge of breaking, not wanting to push me over the edge.
My sadness recedes, replaced by emptiness.
Black, numbing emptiness.
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