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“Wait. This is all moving a little too fast. I need to ask: if I say yes, what exactly happens then?”
“Everything you want. Nothing you don’t,” she replied. “Yes or no, Cassie. It really is that simple.”
My body was all in, but my mind finally freed itself from its temporary restraints and unleashed its doubts.
“But I don’t even know you! I don’t know who you are, who those women are. And I’m supposed to sit here and tell you my deepest, most private sex fantasies? And I don’t even know that I have any, let alone nine, since I’ve only ever slept with one man, my whole life, ever. So how can I say yes or no to any of this?”
Matilda remained placid through my little rant, the way a good mother will stay present during a toddler’s tantrum. Nothing I said could turn my body around and take it home now, and I knew it. So did she. My poor mind was losing this fight.
“Yes or no, Cassie,” Matilda said again.
I looked around the room, at the bookshelf behind me, the antique windows facing the courtyard, the wall of hedges, then back to Matilda’s kind face. I needed to be touched. I needed to let a man loose on my body before it died a slow and lonely death. This felt like something that had to be done to me. With me.
“Yes.”
She gently clapped her hands once.
“I’m so glad. Oh, and it’s supposed to be fun, Cassie. It will be fun!”
With that, Matilda removed a small booklet from her desk drawer and slid it in front of me. It had the same burgundy cover as Pauline’s journal, only it was longer and thinner, like a checkbook.
“I am going to leave you alone so you can fill out this brief questionnaire. It will give us a sense of what you’re looking for, of what you … like. And where you’re at. You will write down specific fantasies later. But this is a start. Take fifteen minutes. Just be honest. I’ll come get you when you’re done. The Committee is assembling. Tea? Coffee?”
“Tea would be nice,” I said, feeling very tired.
“Cassie, fear is the only thing that stands between you and your real life. Remember that.”
After she left, I was so jittery that I couldn’t even look at the booklet. I got up and walked over to a bookshelf at the back of the office. What I thought was a set of encyclopedias turned out to be bound copies of The Complete Kama Sutra, The Joy of Sex, Lady Chatterley’s Lover, My Secret Garden, The Happy Hooker, Fanny Hill, and the Story of O, some of the books I used to find at the homes where I babysat when I was a teenager, books I’d scan and that would leave me confused as I was driven home by the parents late at night. They were bound in the same burgundy leather as the booklet and journal, the titles embossed in gold. I ran a finger across them, took a deep breath, and then went back to my seat.
I sat down and opened the booklet.
What you have in your hands is completely confidential. Your answers are for you and for the Committee only. No one else will see your responses. For S.E.C.R.E.T. to help you, we must know more about you. Be thorough, be honest, be fearless. Please begin:
What followed was a list of questions, with space between each for the answers. The questions made me dizzy wi
th their specificity. Just as I tested the pen, there was a soft knock at the door.
“Come in?”
Danica’s black bob peered around the door. “Sorry to interrupt,” she said. “Matilda said you wanted some tea?”
“Oh, thanks.”
She entered and gently placed a silver tea set in front of me.
“Danica, have you done this? This thing?”
She smiled a big smile.
“Nope. See?” she said, holding up her bare wrist. “No bracelet for me. That’s how you know. Matilda says I may never need to join if I play my cards right from the start with my boyfriend. Plus, you have to be, like, old—over thirty. But I think it’s really cool,” she added, every inch the twenty-one-or-two-year-old she probably was. “Just answer honestly, Cassie. Everything after that will be easy. That’s what Matilda always says.”
Then she turned and walked out, closing the door behind her and leaving me alone again with the questionnaire and my racing mind. You can do this, Cassie. And so I began.
1. How many lovers have you had? Who is your ideal lover physically? Please specify height, weight, hair color, penis size and any other physical preferences.
2. Can you reach orgasm through vaginal sex?
3. Do you enjoy oral sex (getting)? Do you enjoy oral sex (giving)? Explain.
