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I carefully ripped the seal. Inside was a card.
On this day, Cassie Robichaud is invited by the Committee to take the Steps.
________________________ Cassie Robichaud
Beneath that was another line:
____________________ Matilda Greene, Guide
Tucked into the right side of the folder was a small journal, exactly like Pauline’s, also with my initials.
“Cassie, would you read the Steps aloud for us?”
“Now?” I looked around the table and couldn’t see a single face that frightened me, and I knew that I could walk out the door at any time—but I didn’t want to. I stood up, but my legs felt frozen. “I’m scared.”
“Every one of the women around this table has felt the same thing you’re feeling right now,” Matilda said, and the women nodded. “Cassie, we are our sexual lives.”
The tears were flowing now. It felt, at long last, as though all the grief I’d stored up in me was finally finding its way out.
Amani leaned closer to me and said, “The ability to heal ourselves has made it possible for us to help others. That’s why we’re here. That’s the only reason we’re here.”
I stared down at the diary. I gathered every ounce of strength and courage I could muster. I wanted to come alive like these women. I wanted to feel pleasure, and to live in my body again. I wanted all of it. I wanted everything. I opened to the Steps and read all ten, the same words I had read in Pauline’s diary. When I finished, I sat down and a great sense of relief moved from my feet, through my body, and out my arms.
“Thank you, Cassie,” Matilda said. “Now I have three important questions for you. One, do you want what we have?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Two, within the boundaries of complete safety and security and the guidance we offer you, are you willing to take these Steps?”
I looked back down at the Steps. I wanted this. I really did. “Yes. I think so.”
“And three, Cassie Robichaud, do you accept me as your guide?”
“Yes. I do,” I said.
The room burst into more applause.
Matilda squeezed my hands in hers. “Cassie, I promise you that you’ll be safe, you’ll be cared for, you’ll be cherished. You have total autonomy over your body and what you want to do with it. You can decide how to proceed at all times. You will never be coerced. That’s not to say you won’t be afraid, but that’s what we’re here for. What I’m here for. Now I have one more thing to give you.”
She walked over to the console, above which hung the portrait of Carolina. She opened the slender top drawer and carefully removed a small purple box. She carried it to me like it was the most fragile thing on earth. But when she placed it in my hands, the box felt surprisingly heavy.
“Open it. It’s for you.”
I lifted the velvet top, and under a downy bit of fluff lay a pale gold chain nestled in silk. It was identical to the one everyone else in the room was wearing. But this was only a bare chain—no charms were attached.
“It’s mine?”
Matilda lifted it out of the box and fastened it around my trembling wrist.
“For every Step you complete, Cassie, you will receive a gold charm from me commemorating its completion. This will continue until you have received all nine charms. The tenth charm comes after you make your choice to stay in S.E.C.R.E.T. or to leave. Are you ready to begin your adventure?”
The bracelet made it all feel real, its very weight grounding me, making me conscious of the magnitude of what had just occurred, and what was about to.
“I’m ready.”
I was vibrating from head to toe on my way home, thinking about the task ahead of me. Matilda had sent me away with the folder and told me it included nine pages, one page per fantasy. I was supposed to fill these out right away and call Danica as soon as I was done, presumably so she could send a courier to fetch the papers. The last thing Matilda said to me was, “As soon as we get those papers, it will all begin. You and I will speak after every fantasy. But don’t hesitate to call me, for anything, in between, okay?”
In my apartment I scooped up Dixie and gave her kisses all over her belly. Then I lit a lot of candles, undressed and soaked in a sweet-smelling bath. All of this was supposed to help me conjure the best possible fantasy list. I found my favorite pen and whipped out the first page from my alligator folder. I felt a stirring in me that I hadn’t felt in years. Matilda had instructed me to lay it bare, to lay out all my sexual longings. Everything I’d ever wanted to do or try. She told me not to judge, not to question.
