AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“You saw him, Jesse. He hates me. He is repulsed by what I’ve done.”
“No he doesn’t, and he isn’t. He hates that the woman he loves has been leading some … I don’t know … strange, sexy double life … And he has no idea what to do about that but feel scared and threatened. You following me?”
“I am. I just … I’ve made such mess of everything. Will and me. You and me. I mean, why are you even here being so nice to me after the way I treated you?”
We hadn’t seen each other in about a month, not since the day Tracina’s baby was born, when it became evident that Will’s heart was mine, and mine his, and whatever I’d had with Jesse wasn’t going to amount to much more than sex.
“There you go again with the self-fucking-loathing. You need to cut that out, Cass. I’m serious. If Matilda was here, she’d slap those words right out of your mouth for good.”
“It’s true. I’m sorry.”
Jesse’s face softened, concern giving way to kindness.
“Don’t apologize to me. You never did anything wrong to me. Apologize to yourself.”
My eyes felt hooded and swollen from tears. I rested my head on my upper arm, outstretched across the back of the futon. I let my fingers glance Jesse’s shoulder. I looked at him through my damp lashes. Was I flirting? No. Maybe. I was looking for comfort, connection. Jesse responded by moving close to me, then by placing a soft, sweet kiss on my temple.
“Bye, doll. You sleep. I’ll call you.”
If he had reached under my chin and drawn my mouth to his, would I have resisted? I think so. Maybe. No. Yes! Who knows? In truth, I had no idea what I wanted that night. But ambivalence, blurry lines, confusion and sadness, these were not aphrodisiacs to the men in S.E.C.R.E.T.
Jesse rose and stretched, his taut stomach peeking out from beneath his T-shirt. I had never thought I was a visual animal, but since S.E.C.R.E.T., I had discovered that I had been wrong about a lot of things.
Too tired to get off the couch, I waved good-bye to Jesse from my spot. He gave me his trademark two-finger salute and left, quietly shutting the door behind him. Then I glanced down at my arm, down to my glittering bracelet, the one covered with ten charms, each one loved and earned. Suddenly it seemed to weigh heavily on my wrist.
The next morning, I dressed carefully for my regular breakfast shift at the Café Rose. I wanted to look pulled together, calm, adult, not like I’d been crying all night. Not that Dell would notice. She hadn’t paid much attention to Will and me kissing in the corners of the Café this past month, so I figured she’d barely register that we’d broken up.
Then I was slammed by another memory from the night before! Yesterday, in the throes of deep affection for me, Will had not only asked me to manage his new, fancier restaurant upstairs, but also had said he was naming it Cassie’s, after me, a gesture that had moved me to tears. Now, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to work there anymore.
Maybe what I needed to do was walk in and quit. This time for good. Maybe a long break from seeing each other, being around each other, hur
ting each other, was what we both needed. Then cold dread snaked up my legs: Will could fire me. I’d have a wrongful dismissal case of some kind, but I wouldn’t spend my savings on lawyers. Knowing me, I’d just leave, tail between my legs, taking Angela Rejean up on that hostess job at Maison.
When I got to Frenchmen Street, I made a right. The autumn sun felt comforting on my shoulders. I began to walk a little taller. If only I could make Will understand all that S.E.C.R.E.T. had done for me, not just sexually. But I could also stand up for myself. I could go after what I wanted. I was bolder, surer, no longer clingy and afraid. I wasn’t one of those women who would rather be with anyone than alone. Alone was not scary anymore. Alone was challenging, but it was also deeply satisfying. Alone was not lonely.
By the time I reached the Café Rose, I was certain today was the last day I’d work for Will Foret. And I was also certain I’d be okay. I looked upstairs to the new restaurant, its freshly installed windows still sporting the manufacturer’s stickers. I would be sad, but I would survive. Resilience was one of the many things S.E.C.R.E.T. had given me, and today it was the only thing I needed.
Breakfast was a blur. Dell and I passed each other going through the swinging doors, her emerging with platters of eggs, me punching in with dirty dishes piled in two arms, both of us at various times tapping our fingers while waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. It wasn’t until the late-morning lull that Will snuck in through the kitchen while my back was to him. I was grating lime rinds while Dell was prepping crust for one of her famous pies. When I turned around, my heart took a second to catch up to what I saw: Will’s handsome face now drawn, his dark eyes bloodshot, his lids heavy with grief.
“Hey,” he said, eyeing both of us as he deposited a crate of oranges on the metal prep table.
Dell ignored him, knowing that greeting was for me.
“Hey,” I said, mimicking his deadpan delivery.
“You got home okay?” he asked, his voice hoarse.
“I did,” I replied curtly, not turning fully around to face him, refraining from telling him that Jesse drove me home, but nothing happened.
“Good. Good,” he said. “I’m sorry I stormed out of there. But I figured you were in good hands.”
There it was, a dig about Jesse.
“Will, I—”
Dell wasn’t interested in overhearing any more of what wasn’t really being said.
“If you kids need me, I’ll be at my job, working,” she said, heading through the swinging doors back into the Café.
