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But for her that future was still a big blur. For the first time in her life she really had to look ahead and not back to the past. And as yet it was undecided. She had no clue what she was going to tell Max tomorrow.
Rome was all she’d ever wanted and it was within reach. But now she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted Rome for the right reasons. Had it been because it was her one great chance to live the life she really desired above all others? Or had it been because she wanted to prove herself to Rick? All these years she had defined herself by his opinion of her and now that had been turned on its head. And then there was James.
She needed time to sort through everything she had learned about herself and the men in her life over the last couple of days. If James had simply not come, if he’d let her be for the night, who knew what decision she might have come to in the morning?
But in that moment all she knew was that she needed just a little more time.
His eyes lost all trace of a glimmer as he began to bend his mouth to hers, and the only words she could think of to stall him came out in a great rush.
‘James, I’ve been reading your blog.’
She had thought he had been hard to read, but in that moment she realised she had come to know that face so well over the last couple of days.
The tightening in his right cheek was a dead giveaway that he was affected. And the fact that the kiss that had been threatening did not eventuate was a pretty good giveaway too.
‘I saw it on the computer in your workshop that first day,’ she admitted. ‘And that night, after knowing about your wife, after you told me yourself about Dinah, I had to know everything. I couldn’t leave well enough alone. I thought I was never going to see you again, but still I just had to know everything. I tried to tell you I’m a snoop. I tried to warn you.’
Her voice faded as her mind skittered, wondering if she in fact wanted him to hate her for it, or if she wished she could take the words back. Had she known from the second they had met that it would come to this? Had she thought so little of herself that she’d read his blog in an effort to sabotage the relationship from the outset?
His throat worked as the news went down. A million thoughts flickered across his eyes as he obviously thought through the pain, the private moments, the intimate details he had revealed to his computer diary. She stared into his eyes, trying to figure him out, but his thoughts passed too quickly for her to catch.
A storm was gathering and it blew hot tropical air in its wake, rustling at the willow branches above them. The breeze may as well have been Arctic for what it was doing to Siena. With each passing second, Siena’s skin grew cold and nothing could prevent the chill enveloping her. She trembled, her chest ached, and the hairs on the backs of her arms stood to attention.
‘You read my blog,’ he finally said.
‘All of it.’ There was no point in lying to him any more. He could hardly think worse of her.
‘That first night?’
‘And since.’
He went pink. ‘My fault for leaving the damn thing open. Kane could have seen it.’
The moonlight had disappeared behind a bank of dark grey storm clouds and James’s eyes were too dark and hooded for her to have a clue how far back from her he had pulled emotionally.
But then the edge of his eye twitched and for a brief second she thought he might actually have been smiling! But how could he? Oughtn’t he to be mortified, angry, ready to tell her exactly what sort of terrible person she was?
But no. That was Rick. The Rick of old. And he’d only been that way out of circumstance and frustration and youth and mixed-up love.
There it was again! The crease in his cheek had joined the eye twitch. He was smiling. James was actually smiling to hear that she had gone behind his back and read his personal diary. How could he possibly be happy that she had done this?
But then she ought to have known that James would be different. Because James was different. Different enough from every man she had ever known that he made her feel more, and want more, and desire more from her life than she ever had before.
She suddenly wanted to throw herself into his arms and not let go. But she couldn’t. Not yet. No matter how far her hopes and desires had taken her over in these last few days, her conditioning was still fighting against them.
‘Since we are confessing tonight,’ he said, and Siena had the feeling he had moved even closer to her than he had been earlier.
She moved ever so slightly backward and her back bumped against the solid willow trunk.
‘Now is probably the time to let you know that I listened in at the door when you were talking to Kane about your mum.’
Before she could stop herself she let forth a great bellowing, self-aggrandising, ‘You what?’
She bit her lip, waiting for the noise to stop echoing in the suburban cul-de-sac.
He laughed so hard he had to lean his hand beside her head on the tree trunk. It was a great rolling uproarious laugh that she felt rumbling through her.
Siena thought back on all the things she had said to Kane, about her own private hopes and fears and self-doubt, and how much she had revealed about her elevated feelings for James.
