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“What do you mean?”
She swallowed. “When you asked me years back if I thought it best that you abandon all ideas of being with a girl you clearly loved, I encouraged you to disregard your feelings for the greater good of your reputation. I worried that despite how strongly you felt, the scrutiny you’d receive would be far worse than living without her. What I didn’t know then that I’ve realized the closer I get to death...is that nothing matters more in this life than love.”
I remained silent, stunned as she continued.
“You’ve always been so afraid of displeasing your father. But I can assure you, wherever he is right now, he sees things from a different perspective. Your dad is no longer part of this material world, no longer concerned with money or power. He understands now that the universal purpose of our entire existence is love.” Her tone grew urgent. “My advice to you today is not the same as it was then. If I could go back, I would tell you to follow your heart.” She paused. “That said, you married a wonderful woman. She doesn’t deserve this. It’s not fair either way—to leave her high and dry or to stay when she doesn’t have your whole heart.”
She spoke again before I could respond.
“Leo, you need to understand that your decisions don’t change what lies in your heart. You can choose to remain married to Darcie in order to protect her, but that won’t change the fact that you clearly love Felicity.”
“How do you know I still love her?” I asked. “I haven’t told you that.”
“You don’t need to, my love. You have the same look of passion and fear in your eyes that you did when you told me you were going back to the US to find her. The same look of sadness as when you returned and told me she’d moved on with someone else. This torment is love in disguise. The only difference now is that you’re married and some time has passed.”
“All the same complications exist today...” I said. “All the reasons we decided not to be together in the first place.”
“And yet here you are, feeling the same way. What does that tell you? Is this something you can control or a lie you’ve been telling yourself?” She let out a shaky breath. “Look, my dear, I can’t tell you what to do. I can only tell you what I’ve learned as I make the transition to the next phase in my journey. I’ve said all I can say about it. I’m just sorry I didn’t realize back then that my advice to you was wrong.”
It killed me to think she had any regrets at this point. “I love you, Nan. I can’t tell you how much it’s meant to have you as my sounding board.”
She smiled. “I lied... I do have one more thing to say.”
“Okay, tell me.”
“I’m proud of you no matter what you decide—whether that’s to follow your heart or to keep your vow to your beautiful wife. There’s no wrong answer. It’s about what you can live with. But you’re a good man, Leo. Far more conscientious than your father ever was. And even though you’ve never said so, I know you live with guilt because of how you came into this world—the death of your twin brother. But rest assured, he, too, is looking down on you, as proud as I am.”
My grandmother’s words repeated in my mind the entire way home. How was I supposed to face Darcie when this storm of emotions was still brewing inside me? The raw feelings from earlier hadn’t waned in the least. And Nan hadn’t told me anything I didn’t already know, deep inside. But would I choose to live my life ignoring these feelings for the sake of my marriage?
I entered the house feeling completely unsettled.
Before I could head upstairs to face the fire, I noticed a text had come through from Felicity. Looking at its length, my gut immediately told me it was a Dear John letter.
I couldn’t consume it fast enough as my heart raced.
Felicity: I have to go home, Leo. I’m sorry to have to leave like this, but I can’t endure yet another goodbye with you. Spending time with you today was truly magical. Getting to see Ludicrous again, getting to ride those beautiful horses with you, getting to look into your eyes and see into your soul for the last time. As painful as it’s been, these past couple of days have also been a gift, because there was a time when I thought I would never see you again. Even after everything, I don’t regret coming here. I’ve never regretted a single moment with you, not even the most painful ones. But my feelings for you are suffocating me. To care so deeply for someone and not be able to freely love them is torture. You’re a married man. The longer I stay, the worse this will end.
