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“Okay, here’s the deal,” said X-Ray. I was supposed to meet the dude in the parking lot of the H-E-B at five-fifteen. Hey, Ginny, you know what H-E-B stands for?”
“No.”
“Howard E. Butt. Seriously. That was the man’s name. That’s why they just call it H-E-B. Would you want to buy your groceries at a place called Butt’s?”
Ginny cracked up.
Armpit glared at X-Ray.
“Okay, so anyway,” X-Ray continued, “I get there at five o’clock, fifteen minutes early. So then I wait. The guy said he’d be driving a white Suburban. Five-fifteen: no white Suburban. Five-twenty-five. Five-thirty. It’s like a hundred and fifty degrees in the parking lot, but still I wait ’cause I don’t want to let my buddy Armpit down. Finally, at five-thirty-five, I hear this guy screaming out, ‘X-Ray! X-Ray!’ like some kind of maniac. So I give a couple a toot-toots and then this obese vehicle pulls up beside me and two ol’ rednecks get out. ‘Are you X-Ray?’
“‘No, I’m just some dude who happens to have X-Ray on his license plate’—but I don’t say that. I say, ‘Yeah, that’s me,’ and I’m just about to hand over the tickets when he asks, now get this, Ginny, he asks who he should make the check out to.
“I tell him he can make the check out to the tooth fairy for all I care. He goes into this whole riff about losing his ATM card, which was why he was late, but I don’t want to hear it.”
“So you didn’t sell the tickets?” asked Armpit.
“They still want ’em,” said X-Ray. “They’re going to meet me back at the H-E-B at ten tonight. They say they’ll have the cash this time. Only, you better come with.”
“I can’t. I got econ homework, a speech to write—man, I thought you were supposed to do all the work. I just put up the money.”
“They were two big white guys. And there won’t be too many people around at ten o’clock. I just think it’s a good idea to have some backup.”
Armpit didn’t like where this was heading.
“Don’t worry. One look at you and there won’t be any trouble.”
For better or for worse, Armpit knew that was probably true.
He worked on his Coo speech until it was time to go, first making an outline, then putting his key points on three-by-five cards. His speech was mostly about Ginny and how important Coo was to her. He came up with a sentence he really liked: Coo gives her comfort, courage, and confidence.
He realized he might be taking the assignment a little too seriously. The people who had given their speeches earlier today had treated the election as if it was a big joke, which of course it was. One girl had urged everyone to vote for Milford the Monkey because if he became ruler of the world, he would plant a million banana trees, and that would stop the destruction of the rain forests and help prevent global warming. Another kid urged everyone to vote for Wilbur the Pig because he would bring about world peace, and if he didn’t, then at least everyone would get a ham sandwich.
But Armpit knew he wasn’t good at making jokes, and if he didn’t write his speech down, he would just stand there, sweating and babbling nervously. Besides, he really wanted Coo to win, for Ginny’s sake.
X-Ray showed up a little before ten.
“Where are you off to?” Armpit’s mother demanded.
“We just got to do something,” Armpit said as he hurried outside, knowing he’d have to submit a sample when he returned.
It was the same H-E-B where his mother worked, although it had been a few years since she’d had to work the night shift. There were only a few cars in the parking lot, and no white Suburban.
“Man, I’m getting sick of getting jerked around by those jokers!” X-Ray complained.
“Just give ’em a couple of minutes,” said Armpit. “He did say he lost his ATM card. Maybe he’s having trouble getting the cash together.”
“A couple a minutes,” X-Ray agreed. “And then we’re out of here. It’s disrespect. What, they think we got nothing better to do than wait around for them? Disrespect.”
Armpit was feeling claustrophobic in the car and stepped out to stretch.
“Good idea,” said X-Ray. “Let ’em get a good look at you.”
He looked up and down the aisles. “Maybe they’re waiting at the other end of the parking lot,” he suggested.
“I’m in the exact spot where I was earlier. The exact spot.”
At a quarter after there was still no sign of them. “That’s it,” X-Ray announced. “We’re leaving.”
