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X-Ray called him later and told him he’d had a nice chat with Debbie Newberg and that everything was cool now, but just in case, it might be a good idea if they stayed away from each other for a while.
Armpit didn’t have the heart to tell him he’d seen and heard the whole thing. Instead, he told X-Ray about Kaira’s letter.
“You dog! If you end up marrying that chick, you owe me at least a half a million dollars.”
The phone rang the second he hung up with X-Ray.
“Okay, I just want to warn you that you’re going to get a really, really dumb letter, so don’t read it. Don’t even open the envelope. Just take a match to it.”
When he told her he’d already read it, Kaira screamed so loud he had to hold the phone away from his ear.
Then she complained about the unreliability of the U.S. Postal Service. “I thought they were supposed to be slow! You must think I’m a total lamebrain.”
“I liked the letter.”
“You did?”
“I liked it a lot. It made me feel good inside. Not all goosey, kind of ducklike.”
“What?”
“Nothing. I was just trying to make a joke.”
“So what do all your friends think about you having a famous rock star for a girlfriend?”
He didn’t know she was his girlfriend, but he was glad she thought she was.
“I haven’t really told anyone.”
“You are so . . . I don’t know. Other guys would be all braggy about it. You’re just so real. So down-to-earth. I feel like a big phony whenever I talk to you.”
“I don’t think you’re phony.”
Kaira forced a laugh. “That’s because you don’t know me. I’m so fake I can’t even tell when I’m being honest or not. Like you know when I told you to burn the letter? I was lying. I was hoping you’d read it. I just didn’t want you to know I wanted that.”
“I figured as much.”
“You did?”
“Well, I mean, if you really wanted me to burn the letter you wouldn’t have waited a few days to call me.”
“You are so smart. You see right through me.”
That might have been the first time anyone had ever told him he was smart.
“Okay,” Kaira said, “you’ve got to tell me something embarrassing about you now.”
“Why?”
“Because I wrote an embarrassing letter to you.”
“I didn’t ask you to write it.”
“You have to,” said Kaira. “That way we’ll be even. Otherwise I’ll never be able to look at you again.”
“All right,” Armpit agreed. He thought a moment. “All right, you know that song ‘Damsel in Distress’?”
“Uh, yeah, I think I’ve heard of it,” Kaira said sarcastically.
