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Mrs. Jewls told the children to sit a
t their old desks. “So, did anyone learn anything at your other schools?” she asked.
Mac raised his hand. “Oooh! Oooh!” he grunted.
“Yes, Mac,” said Mrs. Jewls.
“Civilization!” declared Mac.
“What about civilization?” asked Mrs. Jewls.
“We learned it,” said Mac.
“That’s very impressive,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Would you like to tell the class something about civilization?”
Mac thought a moment. “I don’t remember,” he said. “But I know we learned it.”
“That’s good, Mac,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Anyone else learn anything?”
Rondi raised her hand. “Evaporation,” she said.
“Good,” said Mrs. Jewls. “What is evaporation?”
“I don’t know,” said Rondi.
Dana raised her hand. “I learned about exaggeration,” she said. “It was all my teacher ever talked about. We had like ten thousand tests on it, and the teacher would kill you if you didn’t spell it right.”
“That’s very good, Dana!” said Mrs. Jewls. “You learned your lesson well.”
“I did?” asked Dana.
Mrs. Jewls shrugged. “Well, I guess we’ll just continue where we left off.”
Just then Mr. Kidswatter’s voice came over the P.A. system. “Good morning, boys and girls.”
Mr. Kidswatter was the principal. He paused a moment because he thought every kid in school was saying “Good morning, Mr. Kidswatter” back to him.
Nobody said it.
Sharie buried her head in her huge coat, closed her eyes, and went to sleep.
“Welcome back to Wayside School!” said Mr. Kidswatter. “I know I’m sure glad to be back. It was wonderful to see all your bright and chipper faces this morning. I missed every single one of you.
“And welcome back to Miss Mush, too. Today’s lunch menu will be baked liver in purple sauce. Miss Mush actually cooked this before the school was closed, but she assures me it is still as tasty as ever!”
“I’m sure it is,” said Myron.
“A safety reminder. Now, it has been a while since you’ve had to rush up and down the stairs, and I want to make sure there are no accidents. So remember this simple rule. When you go up the stairs, stay to your right. When you go down the stairs, stay to your left. That way, there should be no problems.
“Okay, let’s all have a good day. And remember, I’m your friend. And you’re my friends. And if you ever need a friend, you can always come to me.”
“Isn’t that nice,” said Mrs. Jewls.
“What a bunch of baloney! There I was, lying on a beach in Jamaica, when suddenly I get a fax that the dumb school was back open. Well, those kids better not bother me. My friends? That’s a joke! Like I would really want to be friends with those little snot-nose — What? Don’t tell me to shut up! You shut up! What’s on? You mean they’re hearing what I’m saying right this very second? Well, how do you turn it off? What button? I don’t see a red button. There is no red button. Oh, here it
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