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Surely she could feel the brutality radiating out of me, surely that much was obvious. I would frighten her even more if I could not calm the lust for slaughter boiling inside me.
I needed to think about something else.
"Distract me, please," I pleaded.
"I'm sorry, what?"
I barely had enough control to try to explain what I needed.
"Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down," I instructed, my jaw still locked.
"Just prattle about something... that's kind of rude to say," Jacob said.
"Jake, he..." Bella started, staring at him oddly.
"I'm trying to calm down here too," Jacob shrugged. "I usually do that by joking around..."
"Right, sorry," Bella said. "That just wasn't a very good joke."
"I'll try better next time," Jacob shrugged.
Only the fact that she needed me held me inside the car. I could hear the man's thoughts, his disappointment and anger?? I knew where to find him?? I closed my eyes, wishing that I couldn't see anyway??
"Um??" She hesitated??trying to make sense of my request, I imagined. "I'm going to run over Tyler Crowley tomorrow before school?"
Jacob started laughing at that, albeit it was a weak laugh, but still.
"Why would you do that?" Jacob said, but Bella didn't answer.
She said this like it was a question.
Yes??this was what I needed. Of course Bella would come up with something unexpected. Like it had been before, the threat of violence coming through her lips was hilarious??so comical it was jarring.
"I can cause violence," Bella mumbled.
"Sure you can," Jacob said laughing.
Bella glared at him, which only seemed to make Jacob laugh more.
If I had not been burning with the urge to kill, I would have laughed.
"Why?" I barked out, to force her to speak again.
"He's telling everyone that he's taking me to prom," she said,
"Jerk," Bella hissed at the book. "How can he tell people that... he didn't even ask me."
"Don't know," Jacob shrugged, still laughing.
her voice filled with her tiger-kitten outrage.
More laughter at that from Jacob and Bella glared at the book. However, she did note that this talk had definitely helped both her and Jacob relax a little after what had just happened. Her glare loosened as she thought of that and her tone was lighter when she started reading again.
"Either he's insane or he's still trying to make up for almost killing me last??well you remember it," she inserted dryly, "and he thinks prom is somehow the correct way to do this. So I figure if I endanger his life, then we're even, and he can't keep trying to make amends.
"That's not why he's asking you out," Jacob laughed.
I don't need enemies and maybe Lauren would back off if he left me alone.
Bella groaned at that, even madder at this Tyler guy.
I might have to total his Sentra, though," she went on, thoughtful now. "If he doesn't have a ride he can't take anyone to prom??"
It was encouraging to see that she sometimes got things wrong. Tyler's persistence had nothing to do with the accident. She didn't seem to understand the appeal she held for the human boys at the high school. Did she not see the appeal she had for me, either?
Bella blushed at the idea that she appealed to the other guys at school, but that wasn't anything to the blush she had at the mention of her appeal for Edward.
Ah, it was working. The baffling processes of her mind were always engrossing.
I was beginning to gain control of myself, to see something beyond vengeance and torture??
"I heard about that," I told her. She had stopped talking, and I needed her to continue.
"You did?" she asked incredulously. And then her voice was angrier than before.
"If he's paralyzed from the neck down, he can't go to the prom either."
"What's the matter, Bells, don't you like that Edward knows about this?" Jacob chuckled and she glared at him.
I wished there was some way I could ask her to continue with the threats of death and bodily harm without sounding insane. She couldn't have picked a better way to calm me. And her words??just sarcasm in her case, hyperbole??were a reminder I dearly needed in this moment.
I sighed, and opened my eyes.
"Better?" she asked timidly.
"Not really."
No, I was calmer, but not better. Because I'd just realized that I could not kill the monster named Lonnie,
"I guess that's right," Jacob said, he had calmed down quite a lot by this point.
and I still wanted that more than almost anything else in the world. Almost.
The only thing in this moment that I wanted more than to commit a highly justifiable murder, was this girl. And, though I couldn't have her, just the dream of having her made it impossible for me to go on a killing spree tonight??no matter how defensible such a thing might be.
Bella deserved better than a killer.
Bella smiled at this, it was rather intoxicating to know that she had this kind of power over him. Though she didn't think of him as a killer, it was still nice to know that he was trying to be better for her.
I'd spent seven decades trying to be something other than that??anything other than a killer. Those years of effort could never make me worthy of the girl sitting beside me.
Bella narrowed her eyes at this point, not agreeing with him at all.
And yet, I felt that if I returned to that life??the life of a killer??for even one night, I would surely put her out of my reach forever. Even if I didn't drink their blood??even if I didn't have that evidence blazing red in my eyes??wouldn't she sense the difference?
"That depends," Bella said.
"On?" Jacob encouraged her to continue her thought.
"On whether he acts differently or not," Bella said. "If he starts acting even more moody than he already is, it would be hard to miss."
"Would you forgive him... if he did kill this guy?" Jacob asked.
"I don't think he's the monster that he seems to think he is," Bella said in a way to answer.
"That's not an answer," Jacob said.
"I don't want him to kill him," Bella said, "but it wouldn't change the way I think of him."
I was trying to be good enough for her. It was an impossible goal. I would keep trying.
"What's wrong?" she whispered.
Her breath filled my nose, and I was reminded why I could not deserve her. After all of this, even with as much as I loved her??she still made my mouth water.
Jacob shivered at that, a little afraid how he would react to this in his maddened state, but he wasn't too worried.
"How does my scent make it so he doesn't deserve me?" Bella said a little angrily.
I would give her as much honesty as I could. I owed her that.
"Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella." I stared out into the black night, wishing both that she would hear the horror inherent in my words and also that she would not. Mostly that she would not. Run, Bella, run. Stay, Bella, stay.
"It really is a wonder why you would be confused by this guy at all," Jacob chuckled. "He's not conflicted at all."
"But it wouldn't be helpful for me to turn around and hunt down those??" Just thinking about it almost pulled me from the car. I took a deep breath, letting her scent scorch down my throat. "At least, that's what I'm trying to convince myself."
"Oh."
She said nothing else. How much had she heard in my words? I glanced at her furtively, but her face was unreadable. Blank with shock, perhaps. Well, she wasn't screaming. Not yet.
"Why would you be screaming?" Jacob asked.
"Because he admitted that he wanted to hunt those people down," Bella said after a moment's thought. "I think. You know because most humans wouldn't say something like that."
"Yeah, right," Jacob said angrily. "I wouldn't mind hunting those bastards down."
"Then maybe it was something else," Bella shrugged.
It was quiet for a moment. I warred with myself, trying to be what I should be.
What I couldn't be.
"Jessica and Angela will be worried," she said quietly. Her voice was very calm, and I was not sure how that could be. Was she in shock? Maybe tonight's events hadn't sunk in for her yet. "I was supposed to meet them."
Did she want to be away from me? Or was she just worried about her friends' worry?
"The latter," Bella answered, she was sure that she wanted him around right about now... and that it might be his presence that was keeping her so calm at the moment.
I didn't answer her, but I started the car and took her back. Every inch closer I got to the town, the harder it was to hold on to my purpose. I was just so close to him??
If it was impossible??if I could never have nor deserve this girl??then where was the sense in letting the man go unpunished? Surely I could allow myself that much??
"Don't," Bella said, she didn't want him to do that and then give up on her...
No. I wasn't giving up. Not yet. I wanted her too much to surrender.
We were at the restaurant where she was supposed to meet her friends before I'd even begun to make sense of my thoughts. Jessica and Angela were finished eating, and both now truly worried about Bella. They were on their way to search for her, heading off along the dark street.
"That would not be good," Jacob tensed, he thoughts going to the sick bastard.
"No... it wouldn't," Bella shivered.
It was not a good night for them to be wandering??
"How did you know where???" Bella's unfinished question interrupted me, and I realized that I had made yet another gaffe. I'd been too distracted to remember to ask her where she was supposed to meet her friends.
But, instead of finishing the inquiry and pressing the point, Bella just shook her head and half-smiled.
What did that mean?
"I don't know," Bella said, she was questioning her reaction just as much as Edward had.
Jacob started chuckling at her expression.
"So I guess that's the face that you make when you're annoyed that Edward can't just read your mind so you would know what your book self was thinking," Jacob said laughing harder as Bella stuck her tongue out at him.
Well, I didn't have time to puzzle over her strange acceptance of my stranger knowledge. I opened my door.
"What are you doing?" she asked, sounding startled.
Not letting you out of my sight. Not allowing myself to be alone tonight. In that order. "I'm taking you to dinner."
Bella smiled at that. Dinner... with Edward!
Well this should be interesting. It seemed like another night entirely when I'd imagined bringing Alice along and pretending to choose the same restaurant as Bella and her friends by accident. And now, here I was, practically on a date with the girl. Only it didn't count, because I wasn't giving her a chance to say no.
"I suppose he really can't give you a choice right now," Jacob grimaced.
"It doesn't really matter... I would choose to stay with him anyway," Bella shrugged.
She already had her door half open before I'd walked around the car??it wasn't usually so frustrating to have to move at an inconspicuous speed??instead of waiting for me to get it for her. Was this because she wasn't used to being treated like a lady, or because she didn't think of me as a gentleman?
Bella rolled her eyes at this, chuckling. "I've never had my door opened by someone else before."
"Yeah... who still does that?" Jacob chuckled too.
"I suppose I'll have to remember that he likes doing things like that," Bella mumbled to herself.
I waited for her to join me, getting more anxious as her girlfriends continued in toward the dark corner.
"Go stop Jessica and Angela before I have to track them down, too," I ordered quickly. "I don't think I could restrain myself if I ran into your other friends again." No, I would not be strong enough for that.
She shuddered, and then quickly collected herself. She took half a step after them, calling, "Jess! Angela!" in a loud voice. They turned, and she waved her arm over her head to catch their attention.
Bella! Oh, she's safe! Angela thought with relief.
Late much? Jessica grumbled to herself, but she, too, was thankful that Bella wasn't lost or hurt. This made me like her a little more than I had.
"Just a tiny bit," Jacob mumbled, but he still didn't care much about this shallow girl.
They hurried back, and then stopped, shocked, when they saw me beside her.
Uh-uh! Jess thought, stunned. No freaking way!
"It's like he's some kind of movie star or something," Jacob rolled his eyes and Bella chuckled at that.
Edward Cullen? Did she go away by herself to find him? But why would she ask about them being out of town if she knew he was here?? I got a brief flash of Bella's mortified expression when she'd asked Angela if my family was often absent from school. No, she couldn't have known, Angela decided.
Jessica's thoughts were moving past the surprise and on to suspicion. Bella's been holding out on me.
It was Bella's turn to roll her eyes and Jacob's to chuckle.
"Where have you been?" she demanded, staring at Bella, but peeking at me from the corner of her eye.
"I got lost. And then I ran into Edward," Bella said, waving one hand toward me.
Her tone was remarkably normal. Like that was truly all that had happened.
"How can you do that?" Jacob shook his head and Bella just shrugged.
She must be in shock. That was the only explanation for her calm.
"Would it be all right if I joined you?" I asked??to be polite; I knew that they'd already eaten.
Holy crap but he's hot! Jessica thought, her head suddenly slightly incoherent.
Bella narrowed her eyes at that; not liking the thought at all.
